Hey Control Freak!! - Want to Stop??

People often ask me, “How can I stop being such a ‘control freak?’”

The first step is to recognize that you are being one. Often, others tend to shy away from those who are being controlling. But those who are controlling don’t often get the message. It is much too subtle for them to discern.

After all, no dialogue is possible with those who insist that “It’s my way or the highway.” Neither is collaboration and mutuality.

Here are some tips and sure signs that you are being controlling.

You know you’re controlling if:
Ten Tip Offs
• You must dominate conversations to avoid feeling invisible
• You enjoy bullying people with your anger
• You have to be “right”
• You constantly feel “swamped”
• You resist learning how to delegate
• You seldom take vacations, and you’re proud of that fact
• You insist on being the center of attention, and if you’re not, you feel deflated and worthless
• You actually believe that no one else can do what you do
• You can’t trust other people to do their job or other tasks they have taken responsibility for, so you micro-manage
• People ask you lots of questions, because they are afraid of doing things “wrong” in your eyes

Once you can see yourself doing these practices you can then figure out what fuels them, it will make it a lot easier for you to stop. The basis most often is from your early childhood so think about what made you uncomfortable when you were young, that is always a good starting point for your development of a controlling personality.

Often people who are married to “control freaks” exhaust themselves trying not to lose themselves. Yes, the ultimate “control freak” controls by violence or threats of violence, intimidation, name calling, sarcasm and put downs. These, of course, wreak havoc on intimate relationships.

Blending Thoughts and Feelings

“It’s not what happens to us in life.
It’s how we deal with what happens
that counts.”
Dr. Beth Erickson

We’ve all known them: people whose I.Q.s are in the stratosphere but who are dumb as posts. They have no common sense. They lack people skills and consciousness of those around them. A current example of this type of person is the outgoing CEO of British Petroleum, Tony Hayward. He displayed his Mr. Spock-ness when he whined to the national news media that he wants his life back, oblivious to those in the Gulf of Mexico who may never get their lives as they knew them back.

We’ve also known people who seem not to have a brain in their head. Their lives are driven by their emotions without the tempering provided by standing back and evaluating their options from a realistic perspective. Actor and current newsmaker, Lindsay Lohan, could be the poster child for this type of person when she acts out her adolescent temper tantrums.

As in anything, operating at either extreme is precarious.

My definition of a mentally healthy person is one who is able to think and feel at the same time. Yes, I know that doing this can be very difficult to do, especially when feelings run high such as in a heated argument with your spouse. But it can be done. And people are well-advised to learn to do just that.

Being able to blend the two allows people to use their feelings as a valuable data source that leads to sound decision making and eventually a satisfying future.

My guest this coming week on "Relationships 101" to discuss this topic with me is Suzanna Abbott, creator of a series of telesummit interviews called from Failure to Fearless. She interviewed a group of people, including yours truly, on their stories of going from failing to being fearless. It could be said that her panel of experts can use a blend of the two.

The abuse of parishioners by clergy is a hot topic today. But did you know that members of the clergy also are abused by parishioners?

Rev. Jackie O’Neal speaks with me on the topic of clergy killers. Not literal killings, but emotionally abusing them so that clergy are forced out of the ministry at the rate of 1 every 6 minutes in the U.S. A primary cause of this is parishioners whose problems with authority are acted out upon the religious leader who represents the Ultimate Authority.

Join me on Monday after noon 8/16 on www.webtalkradio.net or Tuesday 8/17 at 6:00 p.m. Eastern time on WWPR 1490AM in Sarasota, FL.

I hope you enjoy the show.

From Failure to Fearless!

When Thomas Edison was trying to create the electric light a newspaper man from New York City came to his Lab in Menlo Park and asked him how many different experiments he had tried. His response was well over 1200. When asked by the reporter how can you continue to pursue this after that many failures and Thomas Edison replied. I have not had a single failure. I have proven conclusively more than 1200 ways that absolutely do not work.

On Monday, August 16, on webtalkradio.net I have a conversation with Suzanna Abbott on from failure to fabulous. Some very important points are made but failure is more than an event that occurs in one’s life. If you have tried to master some sport and have discovered you do not have the ability to be good at it, you have not failed to learn the sport. Like Edison you have discovered positively that you need to employ your skills and talents in another arena.

No one is a failure if you give your very best but still do not accomplish your goal. A failure is someone that wished to do something but never risks starting toward that goal because they fear they will not be successful. Regardless of what you desire you must take the responsibility of trying to achieve it or you will be a failure and it is always self-imposed.

Adopt the Edison attitude and try everything until you find your personal niche. We are not all born equal in physical agility, muscle mass, intelligence and most other human skills. Just because you can’t dunk a basketball doesn’t mean you cannot enjoy the game

Listen in on Monday afternoon in Chicago to learn more of From Failure to Fearless. Here is the link. http://tinyurl.com/yzxnexy

Life and Death Matters

Last week, Paul and I called our grandchildren’s other grandmother whom they lovingly call “Grandma Kansas.” We had seen her a month ago at our great-grandson’s first birthday party, and she didn’t look or sound good. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer about three years ago that had metastasized into her other breast and then into her lungs. Shortly after that visit, our granddaughter called to tell us that Grandma Kansas’ doctor told her that she had between three weeks and three months to live.

Then maddeningly, after allowing her to stew on his prognosis, he told her he had one more treatment he could try. I wondered why he would do that, when he had already had told her the wonders of American medicine, at least as he practiced it, could do no more for her. She had already told him and her family that she was tired of fighting. I surmise he was fighting his own battle with the helplessness he must have felt when he could not cure her or at least prolong her life. Or less benignly, he may have been practicing aggressive medicine to protect against a lawsuit.

As we spoke last evening, she told me about her plans for her funeral, that she wanted to be cremated, and to whom she would donate her few things. She spoke in such a matter of fact way that I wondered if she were resigned to her fate, or in serious denial. But since our only connection is through our shared grandchildren and not by blood or through mutual friendship, I felt I could only offer her the opportunity to share what she wanted to and leave it at that. I didn’t feel I had permission to ask more. I only wanted to offer her the comfort of knowing that she was in my thoughts and prayers.

My offering was precious little I know, but it was what I could do from four states away.
It is a universal human need to know that we make a difference, that our lives matter. That was the major message I attempted to convey last night. I hope I succeeded.

And many times, that’s enough.

Caring for a Chronically Ill Spouse

My mentee and friend, Chris Tatevosian, has had Multiple Sclerosis for thirty years now. Diagnosed when he was in college, he now is legally blind and spends his days in a wheel chair. Despite this, miraculously the assistance he receives from services for the blind allow him to use his computer. He co-hosts a radio show on blogtalkradio on coping with chronic pain, and is a lively and engaging host. I know. He and his co-host interviewed me on their show a month ago or so. He is relaxed, comfortable, and funny.

But it was not always like this.

It is natural, when you have a chronic illness, especially one as pernicious as MS, to become self-absorbed and self-pitying. After all, you have significant limitations that make it difficult for you to do what others take for granted, like a morning shower. If you drop something on the floor, you are unable to retrieve it yourself. And your day-to-day activities are severely limited.
In his book Life Interrupted – It’s Not All about Me, details how his preoccupation and self-absorption destroyed his first marriage. Not only that, as happens to many caregivers, his first wife gained massive amounts of weight and eventually was diagnosed with cancer herself presumably from the stress of caring for her seriously ill husband. What had begun as a story book marriage ended in divorce.

Chris details all the lessons he learned from that unfortunate experience in his book Life Interrupted – It’s Not All about Me. He has gone from being a self-pitying chronically ill man to someone who exudes kindness and love for others. He truly is a magnificent human being.

If you want to be inspired, or wish to have more information about Chris, to contact him, or to purchase his book, go to www.lifeinterripteditsnotallaboutme.com. You won’t be disappointed.

Going Terrestrial

I have some fantastic news!

My radio show, “Relationships 101,” which currently is heard on www.webtalkradio.net, is about to be heard on terrestrial radio. It will air on WWPR 1490 AM in Sarasota, FL from 9:00 – 10:00 EDT beginning on July 14th. I am thrilled, because this is a prime radio time slot, and because this is the first concrete step toward syndicating my show.

Yes, you can still tune in to my show on www.webtalkradio.net where it will air as well. However, WWPR also will broadcast my show over the Internet. And after we’ve been on for 6 to 7 weeks, they will poll their listeners to see if they liked the show. So perhaps if you tune in to WWPR when it streams over the Internet, I might be fortunate enough for them to call you and other members of my caring community to ask for your opinion of the show.

I would not have been able to do this show as well as I do or get as far as I have without my coach and mentor, Brad Saul. Allow me to brag on him a bit. He owns Matrix Media, the parent company of webtalkradio.net. He earned both his undergraduate and master’s degrees in Radio and Television at Northwestern University. In addition, he earned a law degree at Chicago’s Loyola University, although he has never practiced law, he says, because he hasn’t known any happy lawyers. He also sits on Northwestern’s university-wide admissions committee. He readily admits that he “bleeds purple,” the school’s color. Just imagine being mentored by someone who has been in the radio biz for 30 years and who has that knowledge and skill! I indeed am privileged. There is no doubt that I wouldn’t be where I am were it not for Brad’s tutelage.

All my life, I have had the rather modest goal of wanting to change the world. (I hope you’re smiling.) And I have been tilting at windmills like Don Quixote my whole professional life. My goal now is to take “Relationships 101” national by syndicating it. I untimately intend to become a kinder, gentler version of Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil.

I would so appreciate your sending me your blessings.

Family Pets Can Teach You How To Grieve

Robert McCartney of the Washington Post wrote an Op Ed piece reprinted in the Minneapolis Star Tribune on Tuesday, June 22. It was entitled, “A Best Friend’s Final Gift.” McCartney at first didn’t want to be present when his old and sick dog had to be euthanized. In fact, he didn’t even want the dog in the first place. “I did not want anyone to see my tears.” He did not want anyone to watch his fall from manhood as tears rolled down his cheeks.

McCartney wrote, “I avoid funerals, adept as finding reasons why it’s too inconvenient to go. But in the last hour or so I spent with Brooks [the dog], I came to recognize what I’d been avoiding – feelings of sorrow and loss.”

“Keep a stiff upper lip, you will get over it very soon, it was probably the best thing, and she was just a dog” are all admonitions by well-meaning people who attempt to have us stop being sad at our loss. In fact what they do is give us permission not to face our loss, if we heed them. This also prevents our grieving as we should, in order to be psychologically healthy.

My radio show, “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net, which will be posted next Monday, June 28, is a conversation with Judy Mandel, author of the book Replacement Child. This book details the impact on one woman of her parents’ failure to grieve the loss of their child who died in a plane crash. Their “solution” which helped them to avoid their grief was to have Judy as a replacement for the lost child instead. Anything to avoid grieving. In doing so, however, they created an intolerable burden for Judy to live up to a phantom child.

Loss is a profound and deep experience. The more attached we are to the lost individual, the deeper the grief. And failure to effectively grieve simply allows grief to steal remnants of a “normal life” and hold them prisoner forever. In Longing For Dad, in print for more than 12 years and available at Amazon.com, I detail the devastating impact of unresolved loss.

Grief is a natural process that needs to be felt and effectively dealt with, in order to be mentally, psychologically, and spiritually healthy.