Cougar is the current slang term for women who date younger men. On my most recent radio show (http://tinyurl.com/yzxnexy), I interviewed a woman who has had a dickens of a time meeting a man her age or older who also is her intellectual peer. This woman is a divorced eye surgeon, and she’s seeking a male partner who has some kind of professional degree. She has not found anyone age-appropriate, so she has begun dating younger men out of necessity.
A little research explains why men date older women and women frequently date people substantially younger than themselves.
For the past half century in the United States, there have been on average 1050 boys for each 1000 girls born each year. According to Census Bureau statistics, the number of boys compared to girls continually decreases until at the age group of 30-34 when women outnumber men.
In the U. S. by ages 20 to 29, there are 623,000 more men than women. And by ages 30-39, women outnumber men by 262,000. And it just gets more challenging as people get older.
For a woman of 40, that means that there are not enough men to provide a partner for her and every other woman in her age group. So dating a younger man may become necessary if she choses not to be alone.
Men, on the other hand, seek younger partners as well, not because of demographic imperatives, but because of ego. Young and beautiful trophy brides seem to be more than happy to be seen in a BMW or Mercedes gifted to them by an older gentleman. This just makes matters more difficult for women who are their age mates.
If you are a woman over 40 and looking for a mate who is your educational and intellectual equal, good luck. The disparity between men and women educationally grows every year. Substantially more than half of the advanced and professional degrees are awarded to women today.
Besides, as Safire, the Uppity Blues Woman, sings in her song “Middle Aged Blues Boogie”:
“Well seems like men my age are all married, boring or tired…
Got to find a young man if you want to feel desired
Now some of my friends are worried ‘bout what some people might say
I say ‘age ain’t nothin’ but a number.’ The good Lord made it that way.”
In addition, the chances of spending time as widow are reduced, since men generally die sooner by at least 5 years than women. So ladies, I hereby grant permission to get out there and go find an appropriate “youngun.”
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Second Chances
Currently, in the United States, $14.6 billion is spent on moms every Mother’s Day. That number is second only to the Christmas holidays. I can believe it. Mothers have such a major and important role in shaping our character and personalities.
While I still had the option to have a child, I chose for a host of reasons not to do so. Chief of all the factors is that I watched my favorite sister struggle with having had 4 babies in 2 ½ years - by the time she was 20 ½. Although she loved each and all of them dearly, I could see how mightily she struggled to take care of them and the house, prescriptions for a good wife in the 1950’s and the 60's. I would take the school bus to her house at least once a week to help her, and all I would do was iron clothes. This was also a time long before permanent press fabric and where a good wife starched and ironed all of the family’s clothes, including sheets and tee shirts. Because my sister couldn’t keep up with everything even with my help, on my arrival, I usually would locate the sprinkled clothes in the freezer where they would have been put to avoid their molding before one of us could iron them.
There is no doubt that her example was my best lesson in planned parenthood. I just didn’t think I would have the wherewithal to be a mother and to manage my studies and meet my life goals, too.
However, when I met and married my husband Paul, I got a second chance. Paul has three adult children from his first marriage. From two of these kids, we have five grandchildren, one great-grandson who will turn one year old in a couple of weeks, and the unrelated half brother to two of our favorites who asked, “Grandma, will you be my Grandma?” There was no way I could refuse that request, nor did I even consider it.
If you think kids will eat your heart out as a parent, just wait until you become a grandparent! I would give these kids anything and do anything for them. I joke, “You want a car? Sure, I’ll get you a car. What kind do you want? You want a trip around the world? I’ll hire a travel agent immediately.” Of course, I am exaggerating. But that is genuinely my emotion. I can’t seem to say “I love you” enough and give and get enough hugs and kisses. And I am over the moon when one of them calls just to talk. And when Tristan, now 13, calls us “my most precious grandparents,” my heart swells with love for him and for all of them.
Paul’s willingness to share his grandchildren and the children’s receptivity to me bring a very special dimension to my life. As any grandparent knows, being a grandparent is one of God’s greatest gifts. In fact, it’s a little bit of heaven on earth for which I am incredibly grateful.
While I still had the option to have a child, I chose for a host of reasons not to do so. Chief of all the factors is that I watched my favorite sister struggle with having had 4 babies in 2 ½ years - by the time she was 20 ½. Although she loved each and all of them dearly, I could see how mightily she struggled to take care of them and the house, prescriptions for a good wife in the 1950’s and the 60's. I would take the school bus to her house at least once a week to help her, and all I would do was iron clothes. This was also a time long before permanent press fabric and where a good wife starched and ironed all of the family’s clothes, including sheets and tee shirts. Because my sister couldn’t keep up with everything even with my help, on my arrival, I usually would locate the sprinkled clothes in the freezer where they would have been put to avoid their molding before one of us could iron them.
There is no doubt that her example was my best lesson in planned parenthood. I just didn’t think I would have the wherewithal to be a mother and to manage my studies and meet my life goals, too.
However, when I met and married my husband Paul, I got a second chance. Paul has three adult children from his first marriage. From two of these kids, we have five grandchildren, one great-grandson who will turn one year old in a couple of weeks, and the unrelated half brother to two of our favorites who asked, “Grandma, will you be my Grandma?” There was no way I could refuse that request, nor did I even consider it.
If you think kids will eat your heart out as a parent, just wait until you become a grandparent! I would give these kids anything and do anything for them. I joke, “You want a car? Sure, I’ll get you a car. What kind do you want? You want a trip around the world? I’ll hire a travel agent immediately.” Of course, I am exaggerating. But that is genuinely my emotion. I can’t seem to say “I love you” enough and give and get enough hugs and kisses. And I am over the moon when one of them calls just to talk. And when Tristan, now 13, calls us “my most precious grandparents,” my heart swells with love for him and for all of them.
Paul’s willingness to share his grandchildren and the children’s receptivity to me bring a very special dimension to my life. As any grandparent knows, being a grandparent is one of God’s greatest gifts. In fact, it’s a little bit of heaven on earth for which I am incredibly grateful.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
In Honor of Mother's Day
This year, I decided to do something I’ve never done before on my radio show. For both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, I am hosting a three-part series of conversations on “Relationships 101” leading up to each holiday. If money spent is an indicator of importance, $14.6 billion spent on Mother’s Day every year. This is second only to the Christmas holidays.
The first in the series is a conversation that was posted this last Monday with Dr. LeslieBeth Wish. She is a marriage and family therapist based in Sarasota, Fl, and her family therapy training was virtually identical to mine. So we had great fun sharing our mutual knowledge and being on the same wave length with each other. The “marching orders” I gave here were to provide an overview on why there often tends to be so much conflict in mother-daughter relationships. In broad brush strokes, some of the reasons are competition for the father's attention or to be the fairest one of all, jealousy at the daughter’s youth, the mother’s displacing her anger at herself onto her daughter, and the daughter using conflict as a tool to separate and individuate from her mother. You’ll have to tune in to the show to hear the rest.
This coming Monday the conversation is from the mother’s perspective about what parenting a daughter can be like. I spoke with Julie Pech who intuitively is just plain a good mom. She gives her 14 year-old daughter and 12 year-old son the freedom to explore and discover who they are while still helping them learn self-discipline. And she doesn't smother them. She shared stories and offered hints about how to be a good mother who acknowledges her children’s individuality while still providing structure for them.
The third in the series will air on the Monday before Mother’s Day. It features a conversation with a woman whose mother was harsh with her children because she was frustrated with her life. It seems she was born a generation too soon. My guest is Karel Murray, who talks about how, when she was 26 years old, she took charge of her relationship with her mother so that eventually, they would develop a loving connection out of what otherwise could have been a lifelong disaster for both women. She describes the before and after of this very important relationship and offers suggestions for my listeners regarding how she went about creating the relationship the two women finally had before the mother’s death.
Tune in to hear each of these fascinating stories from the perspective of both mothers and daughters. My shows are posted every Monday afternoon and three times throughout that week. But don’t worry if you can’t listen in live. Shows remain in the archives for three months. So there are plenty of opportunities.
Join me at “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net.
The first in the series is a conversation that was posted this last Monday with Dr. LeslieBeth Wish. She is a marriage and family therapist based in Sarasota, Fl, and her family therapy training was virtually identical to mine. So we had great fun sharing our mutual knowledge and being on the same wave length with each other. The “marching orders” I gave here were to provide an overview on why there often tends to be so much conflict in mother-daughter relationships. In broad brush strokes, some of the reasons are competition for the father's attention or to be the fairest one of all, jealousy at the daughter’s youth, the mother’s displacing her anger at herself onto her daughter, and the daughter using conflict as a tool to separate and individuate from her mother. You’ll have to tune in to the show to hear the rest.
This coming Monday the conversation is from the mother’s perspective about what parenting a daughter can be like. I spoke with Julie Pech who intuitively is just plain a good mom. She gives her 14 year-old daughter and 12 year-old son the freedom to explore and discover who they are while still helping them learn self-discipline. And she doesn't smother them. She shared stories and offered hints about how to be a good mother who acknowledges her children’s individuality while still providing structure for them.
The third in the series will air on the Monday before Mother’s Day. It features a conversation with a woman whose mother was harsh with her children because she was frustrated with her life. It seems she was born a generation too soon. My guest is Karel Murray, who talks about how, when she was 26 years old, she took charge of her relationship with her mother so that eventually, they would develop a loving connection out of what otherwise could have been a lifelong disaster for both women. She describes the before and after of this very important relationship and offers suggestions for my listeners regarding how she went about creating the relationship the two women finally had before the mother’s death.
Tune in to hear each of these fascinating stories from the perspective of both mothers and daughters. My shows are posted every Monday afternoon and three times throughout that week. But don’t worry if you can’t listen in live. Shows remain in the archives for three months. So there are plenty of opportunities.
Join me at “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net.
Monday, April 19, 2010
It Happened Again
Last week, I received an e-mail that left me with a lump in my throat as I read it. When people reach out to me almost begging for my help to resolve a loss, particularly of their father, that is how I typically respond. Tears actually rolled down my checks as I read an e-mail from another man from Dubai who later became a phone client. His father had left home for another Middle Eastern country to work when my client was two years old, and he seldom saw his father again. As we worked, he described in great detail the crippling depression that clouded most of his childhood and how, most nights, he would cry himself to sleep all alone. Clearly, his was a cry unheard.
Last week, the e-mail began, “I have been studying your book Longing for Dad, and I think it may be the key to a lifetime of inability to create either a career or a personal life for myself in spite of a professional degree and all the effort I’ve been able to muster. . . . Your book has given me the specific insights I have been searching for for decades. . . . You’re the only one who has opened those specifics up to me. If you can help me come to resolution, I’ll do whatever it takes.” He even suggested a willingness to temporarily relocate to Minneapolis in order to work with me. Talk about desperation! I told him that would not be necessary, and that weekly phone calls and a face-to-face meeting on a weekend would suffice.
I truly am honored when I am approached like this. Partly because I am thrilled that my book is still having an impact 12 years after its release. And partly because I know what father loss and being left alone with it are like, having experienced that myself. And partly because it is my life’s work, my mission, to end pain for people who are suffering.
With Father’s Day fast approaching, if you are among the walking wounded damaged by your father’s literal or emotional absence, give yourself the gift of resolving your emotions, regardless of the circumstances that caused it. Mind you, it will be very challenging and difficult. But it can be done. And I would be honored to help.
Feel free to contact me to set up a complimentary initial consultation.
Last week, the e-mail began, “I have been studying your book Longing for Dad, and I think it may be the key to a lifetime of inability to create either a career or a personal life for myself in spite of a professional degree and all the effort I’ve been able to muster. . . . Your book has given me the specific insights I have been searching for for decades. . . . You’re the only one who has opened those specifics up to me. If you can help me come to resolution, I’ll do whatever it takes.” He even suggested a willingness to temporarily relocate to Minneapolis in order to work with me. Talk about desperation! I told him that would not be necessary, and that weekly phone calls and a face-to-face meeting on a weekend would suffice.
I truly am honored when I am approached like this. Partly because I am thrilled that my book is still having an impact 12 years after its release. And partly because I know what father loss and being left alone with it are like, having experienced that myself. And partly because it is my life’s work, my mission, to end pain for people who are suffering.
With Father’s Day fast approaching, if you are among the walking wounded damaged by your father’s literal or emotional absence, give yourself the gift of resolving your emotions, regardless of the circumstances that caused it. Mind you, it will be very challenging and difficult. But it can be done. And I would be honored to help.
Feel free to contact me to set up a complimentary initial consultation.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Promise and Perils of Internet Dating
Fun Facts
• 30% of America’s 80 million baby boomers are single.
• U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004 and over $500 million in 2005. No doubt the number is even higher now.
• Online dating sites comprise the largest segment of paid content, other than pornography, on the Internet.
Let me get something out of the way from the get-go. My husband and I met on line. He had been on the ‘net looking for me for about three years. I had only been online for about three months when he spotted my profile and wrote to me.
Although we had lived only 6 or 7 minutes away from each other for two years, our paths had never crossed. Not at the post office, nor at the grocery store, or on a walking trail. We simply never would have met were it not for the Internet. To say we are both grateful for this modern day Yenta would be a gross understatement. Clearly, it has helped us find the level of happiness, contentment, mutuality, and comfort we have searched for for decades. To make matters even sweeter, in marrying Paul, I gained six grandchildren and one great grandchild, each of whom, of course, is the best thing since sliced bread.
I had such a lovely conversation this week with Lynn Lorberg on her online dating experiences for my radio show, “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net. That segment will air this Monday, April 12th and I invite any online daters or those contemplating it to tune in.
So I decided to offer some tips on how to maximize the opportunity that Dating 2.0 provides while protecting yourself from its pitfalls. I recognize that these suggestions are common sense. However, because it is easy to get swept up in fantasies of who others are and of the relationship you could have, so take a good long look at them anyway.
Tips for Maximizing the Opportunity Internet Dating Provides
• Do not misrepresent yourself in your profile just because you think that will make you more attractive to a potential mate. While doing so is certainly unfair to people reading your profile, you are short changing and undermining yourself.
• Be clear in your profile about who you are and what you are looking for in the other person. For example, my radio guest, Lynn Lorberg, comes out and tells potential suitors, “I’m a petite blonde. If what you’re looking for is a leggy brunette, I’m not for you. And that’s okay.”
• Be respectful of other people’s time just as you would expect them to be of yours. If you mislead people by lying about who you are, you are wasting everyone’s time. And it’s not rocket science to say that no solid relationship can be built on a foundation of lies.
• Don’t post a photo of yourself when you were decades younger or had a full head of hair. This only will mislead. Misleading snuffs out any possibilities for a genuine relationship before it has a chance to generate sparks. And as Shakespeare said, “The truth will out.”
• Get good at asking questions of a potential suitor. Then sit back and listen carefully to the answers you get. Do the words and the music go along? Do the answers you get pass the smell test?
• Even if all of the people you meet on line aren’t potential suitors because of distance or any number of other good reasons, if you have been honest and respectful with each other, you just may have made some friends in the process.
• Develop your intuition. Your gut can become a very reliable guide in the choices you make. Learn to recognize when your fists clench or you get a headache or your mind drifts off. These are messages that something just doesn’t feel right. You may not know immediately what those unconscious messages are telling you. But you’ll need to figure it out.
Strategies for Protecting Yourself from Its Perils
• E-mail before you talk on the phone, and talk before you meet face to face.
• When you do decide to meet, do so at a coffee shop or other public place where you are known and there are others around. Having a cup of coffee isn’t the major time commitment that having dinner together is. This will give you a graceful out if you simply don’t click. Do not be afraid to excuse yourself and leave as soon as you know it is senseless to continue.
• Don’t take it personally if someone you think might be dandy is just not into you. There is no point in trying to force the ugly stepsister’s shoe into Cinderella’s glass slipper. In fact, be grateful for this realization.
• Don’t confuse a virtual relationship for a real face-to-face one. Sooner or later, you will need to meet in order for both of you to gauge the level of chemistry between you. It does not take long before you know that a room full of chemists could not make you effervesce. Be sure to meet only when both of you are ready and do not allowed yourself to be pressured to meet before you are truly ready. Someone seeking a true partner will not be in a great rush.
• Get the other person’s home and office numbers. If s/he balks at giving them both to you and only wants you to have a cell number, there’s a pretty good chance this is a married person on the prowl. In which case, simply say, “Next!”
• For you ladies, when it is time for a real night out and not simply meeting someone for a glass of wine after work or a walk in the park insist on driving your own car. This way should the evening really turn bad you can simply leave.
• If you are young and less experienced with dating, you will need to be more cautious than you would be if you are dating, say, someone in your English class or who is a member of your church, mosque or synagogue, or whom your aunt knows.
• Chances are, the people you meet online will be complete strangers where there is no way to vet them other than by how they conduct themselves with you. If anything at all doesn’t feel right, or if things just don’t add up, honor your gut feelings and don’t pursue a relationship with this person.
Tune in to my conversation with Lynn Lorberg next Monday, April 12th on “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net. You’ll be glad you did. And as always, remember that I offer a complimentary consultation on an issue of your choosing. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to arrange this.
• 30% of America’s 80 million baby boomers are single.
• U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004 and over $500 million in 2005. No doubt the number is even higher now.
• Online dating sites comprise the largest segment of paid content, other than pornography, on the Internet.
Let me get something out of the way from the get-go. My husband and I met on line. He had been on the ‘net looking for me for about three years. I had only been online for about three months when he spotted my profile and wrote to me.
Although we had lived only 6 or 7 minutes away from each other for two years, our paths had never crossed. Not at the post office, nor at the grocery store, or on a walking trail. We simply never would have met were it not for the Internet. To say we are both grateful for this modern day Yenta would be a gross understatement. Clearly, it has helped us find the level of happiness, contentment, mutuality, and comfort we have searched for for decades. To make matters even sweeter, in marrying Paul, I gained six grandchildren and one great grandchild, each of whom, of course, is the best thing since sliced bread.
I had such a lovely conversation this week with Lynn Lorberg on her online dating experiences for my radio show, “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net. That segment will air this Monday, April 12th and I invite any online daters or those contemplating it to tune in.
So I decided to offer some tips on how to maximize the opportunity that Dating 2.0 provides while protecting yourself from its pitfalls. I recognize that these suggestions are common sense. However, because it is easy to get swept up in fantasies of who others are and of the relationship you could have, so take a good long look at them anyway.
Tips for Maximizing the Opportunity Internet Dating Provides
• Do not misrepresent yourself in your profile just because you think that will make you more attractive to a potential mate. While doing so is certainly unfair to people reading your profile, you are short changing and undermining yourself.
• Be clear in your profile about who you are and what you are looking for in the other person. For example, my radio guest, Lynn Lorberg, comes out and tells potential suitors, “I’m a petite blonde. If what you’re looking for is a leggy brunette, I’m not for you. And that’s okay.”
• Be respectful of other people’s time just as you would expect them to be of yours. If you mislead people by lying about who you are, you are wasting everyone’s time. And it’s not rocket science to say that no solid relationship can be built on a foundation of lies.
• Don’t post a photo of yourself when you were decades younger or had a full head of hair. This only will mislead. Misleading snuffs out any possibilities for a genuine relationship before it has a chance to generate sparks. And as Shakespeare said, “The truth will out.”
• Get good at asking questions of a potential suitor. Then sit back and listen carefully to the answers you get. Do the words and the music go along? Do the answers you get pass the smell test?
• Even if all of the people you meet on line aren’t potential suitors because of distance or any number of other good reasons, if you have been honest and respectful with each other, you just may have made some friends in the process.
• Develop your intuition. Your gut can become a very reliable guide in the choices you make. Learn to recognize when your fists clench or you get a headache or your mind drifts off. These are messages that something just doesn’t feel right. You may not know immediately what those unconscious messages are telling you. But you’ll need to figure it out.
Strategies for Protecting Yourself from Its Perils
• E-mail before you talk on the phone, and talk before you meet face to face.
• When you do decide to meet, do so at a coffee shop or other public place where you are known and there are others around. Having a cup of coffee isn’t the major time commitment that having dinner together is. This will give you a graceful out if you simply don’t click. Do not be afraid to excuse yourself and leave as soon as you know it is senseless to continue.
• Don’t take it personally if someone you think might be dandy is just not into you. There is no point in trying to force the ugly stepsister’s shoe into Cinderella’s glass slipper. In fact, be grateful for this realization.
• Don’t confuse a virtual relationship for a real face-to-face one. Sooner or later, you will need to meet in order for both of you to gauge the level of chemistry between you. It does not take long before you know that a room full of chemists could not make you effervesce. Be sure to meet only when both of you are ready and do not allowed yourself to be pressured to meet before you are truly ready. Someone seeking a true partner will not be in a great rush.
• Get the other person’s home and office numbers. If s/he balks at giving them both to you and only wants you to have a cell number, there’s a pretty good chance this is a married person on the prowl. In which case, simply say, “Next!”
• For you ladies, when it is time for a real night out and not simply meeting someone for a glass of wine after work or a walk in the park insist on driving your own car. This way should the evening really turn bad you can simply leave.
• If you are young and less experienced with dating, you will need to be more cautious than you would be if you are dating, say, someone in your English class or who is a member of your church, mosque or synagogue, or whom your aunt knows.
• Chances are, the people you meet online will be complete strangers where there is no way to vet them other than by how they conduct themselves with you. If anything at all doesn’t feel right, or if things just don’t add up, honor your gut feelings and don’t pursue a relationship with this person.
Tune in to my conversation with Lynn Lorberg next Monday, April 12th on “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net. You’ll be glad you did. And as always, remember that I offer a complimentary consultation on an issue of your choosing. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to arrange this.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Effects of Transgenerational Patterns
Yesterday I received a frantic call from a gentleman with whom I have been consulting for a couple of months. His urgency was not for himself. Rather, it was for his twenty-something son. “Doc, I gotta get him in to see you as soon as you can schedule it.”
It seems that his son is living with a woman whose rage and violence against him are escalating drastically. For example, in one of their recent fights, she hurled a huge pot of spaghetti at him. And he woke up the next morning to find that she had stabbed a butcher knife through his pillow and cut up his clothes. The father’s alarm was certainly justified!
Since I have not yet met with the young man, I can only speculate on the contributors to violence in his relationship and his impotence to do anything about it. However, I know from the father that the older man grew up in a household where violence was the norm. And since the older man was the oldest of three, he bore the brunt of his parents’ frustration and mistrust that was expressed through rage and accusations. For example, one time when the older man was about 7 years old, his mother stabbed a fork into his forearm so far that it stood up by itself. Although not a daily occurrence the way the parents’ brawls were, instances like this were not all that rare, either.
The older man originally had sought my help to try to end his marriage to a woman who nightly gets drunk, swears at him, throws dishes at him, and berates him. In our meetings, at least a dozen times, he has shaken his head incredulously and said, “I don’t know why I married her. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I married her.” So I began probing to help him answer that question. When he began telling me his story, he was shocked and amazed when I pointed out that he had married a woman just like his mother.
Furthermore, because he had never resolved the abuse he witnessed and was the brunt of in his childhood, that pattern came down the generations to his own son. So it seemed normal somehow for him, too, to be with a violent woman.
Am I saying it is my client’s fault that his son is in this untenable situation? No. Absolutely not. But he does bear some responsibility for not having cleaned up the psychological mess his parents’ misery created in him. Unfortunately, in that both of his parents died forlorn and alone, he is unable to face his parents directly regarding his maltreatment. So it’s up to him to come to terms with his childhood traumas so his son can face and handle his own untenable situation. Then in both instances, we can see what can be done to improve their relationships or leave them.
Am I saying that the son will be unable to leave his relationship unless his dad leaves his? We’ll see. But I can tell you this much. It would be a whole lot easier for him if his dad were to lead the way.
When well-meaning people advise others to put the past in the past, this advice translates to “ignore it and hope it goes away.” However, the only way to genuinely put the past in the past is to turn towards it, face it, and resolve the feelings and thoughts surrounding it.
For those who would like some expert assistance to do just that, I am offering two weekend events to help people get unstuck in their lives and move forward unencumbered by past events, some of which have already receded into their unconscious mind. In this instance, what you don’t know will hurt you.
One will be held on May 15 and 16 in Ocala, FL, and the other in Minneapolis, MN on May 22 and 23.
The beauty of doing this work in a group is that participants will have the love and support not only of me, but also of the other group members to help each of them resolve their issues. Or at least they’ll get a darned good start at it. The primary reason that traumas go unresolved is because people assume they would have to experience it alone. The best part of working on tough issues in a group facilitated by someone with expertise is that finally, they don’t have to go it alone.
Won’t you consider please joining us? Spring is a beautiful time of year to give yourself a fresh start. Of course, if you want further information, feel free to call my toll-free number: 888-546-1580. I stand ready to help.
It seems that his son is living with a woman whose rage and violence against him are escalating drastically. For example, in one of their recent fights, she hurled a huge pot of spaghetti at him. And he woke up the next morning to find that she had stabbed a butcher knife through his pillow and cut up his clothes. The father’s alarm was certainly justified!
Since I have not yet met with the young man, I can only speculate on the contributors to violence in his relationship and his impotence to do anything about it. However, I know from the father that the older man grew up in a household where violence was the norm. And since the older man was the oldest of three, he bore the brunt of his parents’ frustration and mistrust that was expressed through rage and accusations. For example, one time when the older man was about 7 years old, his mother stabbed a fork into his forearm so far that it stood up by itself. Although not a daily occurrence the way the parents’ brawls were, instances like this were not all that rare, either.
The older man originally had sought my help to try to end his marriage to a woman who nightly gets drunk, swears at him, throws dishes at him, and berates him. In our meetings, at least a dozen times, he has shaken his head incredulously and said, “I don’t know why I married her. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I married her.” So I began probing to help him answer that question. When he began telling me his story, he was shocked and amazed when I pointed out that he had married a woman just like his mother.
Furthermore, because he had never resolved the abuse he witnessed and was the brunt of in his childhood, that pattern came down the generations to his own son. So it seemed normal somehow for him, too, to be with a violent woman.
Am I saying it is my client’s fault that his son is in this untenable situation? No. Absolutely not. But he does bear some responsibility for not having cleaned up the psychological mess his parents’ misery created in him. Unfortunately, in that both of his parents died forlorn and alone, he is unable to face his parents directly regarding his maltreatment. So it’s up to him to come to terms with his childhood traumas so his son can face and handle his own untenable situation. Then in both instances, we can see what can be done to improve their relationships or leave them.
Am I saying that the son will be unable to leave his relationship unless his dad leaves his? We’ll see. But I can tell you this much. It would be a whole lot easier for him if his dad were to lead the way.
When well-meaning people advise others to put the past in the past, this advice translates to “ignore it and hope it goes away.” However, the only way to genuinely put the past in the past is to turn towards it, face it, and resolve the feelings and thoughts surrounding it.
For those who would like some expert assistance to do just that, I am offering two weekend events to help people get unstuck in their lives and move forward unencumbered by past events, some of which have already receded into their unconscious mind. In this instance, what you don’t know will hurt you.
One will be held on May 15 and 16 in Ocala, FL, and the other in Minneapolis, MN on May 22 and 23.
The beauty of doing this work in a group is that participants will have the love and support not only of me, but also of the other group members to help each of them resolve their issues. Or at least they’ll get a darned good start at it. The primary reason that traumas go unresolved is because people assume they would have to experience it alone. The best part of working on tough issues in a group facilitated by someone with expertise is that finally, they don’t have to go it alone.
Won’t you consider please joining us? Spring is a beautiful time of year to give yourself a fresh start. Of course, if you want further information, feel free to call my toll-free number: 888-546-1580. I stand ready to help.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Mental and Emotional Spring Cleaning
Spring is a time of renewal, of starting fresh. A time of looking back to move forward in some qualitatively new directions. Yet too many people take their emotional old, no longer useful “clothes” with them into summer, fall, and the next winter like last year’s parka and snow pants.
At least once a season, I go through my closets. I sort my clothes, shoes, belts and handbags into a pile to give away, a pile to take to consignment, and a pile I want to keep. You’ve guessed it. The pile that I either consign or give away is stuff that I have to face the truth about: I simply am never going to wear the stuff. Either I’ve outgrown it, (drat!), or I no longer need it or like it.
I always feel lighter, less encumbered somehow, when I have completed this arduous task, having procrastinated on it long enough.
So it is with mental and emotional spring cleaning. And yet, too few people do this. They continue to take their emotional winter clothes with them year after year, in the form of outworn defenses and no-longer-useful thought processes.
For example, people who are stuck in their lives likely are at an impasse because of a trauma that hasn’t been resolved. Or an early decision they have made as a result of an experience that they have promised themselves never to repeat. This is the best self-protection that children can come up with because they are capable only of concrete reasoning.
According to the great Swiss psychologist, Jean Piaget, children aren’t capable of abstract reasoning until they are in their mid-teens. Concrete reasoning means that children are not capable of questioning their thoughts. They just unquestioningly think them. So if a child concludes that Mom and Dad got a divorce because s/he was a bad girl or bad boy, they carry that with them on an unconscious level until they are helped to raise that early decision to the level of consciousness. Then they can make a new, decision that is less damaging to their growth and development. This is a graphic example of an early decision run amuck and then corrected – spring cleaning at its best.
What lurks in the cob webs of your mind that needs to be brushed away? What hides in the dark corners that need to be faced and put to rest so you are no longer held back? What baggage is in your trunk of unhappy memories? Finding and putting these archaic experiences is essential. Otherwise, they will continue to haunt you and overshadow your ability to live the life. Then you will continue living someone else’s life, not your own.
In May, I am offering two opportunities to help you “spring clean.” The first will be on an acreage in Ocala, FL, on May 15th and 16th. The second will be held in Minneapolis, MN, at the lovely 1893 Nicollet Island Inn, on the banks of the mighty Mississippi River on May 22nd and 23rd. At each of these events, I will guide your mental and emotional spring cleaning.
For more information, visit my web site, www.drbetherickson.com. Click on Services and then Group Consultations on the left. This will allow you to access a video where I explain about the Florida Consultation Group and read specific details. The Minneapolis group will be a mirror image of the experience in Florida.
And of course, call my toll free number, 888-546-1580
Dr. Beth
At least once a season, I go through my closets. I sort my clothes, shoes, belts and handbags into a pile to give away, a pile to take to consignment, and a pile I want to keep. You’ve guessed it. The pile that I either consign or give away is stuff that I have to face the truth about: I simply am never going to wear the stuff. Either I’ve outgrown it, (drat!), or I no longer need it or like it.
I always feel lighter, less encumbered somehow, when I have completed this arduous task, having procrastinated on it long enough.
So it is with mental and emotional spring cleaning. And yet, too few people do this. They continue to take their emotional winter clothes with them year after year, in the form of outworn defenses and no-longer-useful thought processes.
For example, people who are stuck in their lives likely are at an impasse because of a trauma that hasn’t been resolved. Or an early decision they have made as a result of an experience that they have promised themselves never to repeat. This is the best self-protection that children can come up with because they are capable only of concrete reasoning.
According to the great Swiss psychologist, Jean Piaget, children aren’t capable of abstract reasoning until they are in their mid-teens. Concrete reasoning means that children are not capable of questioning their thoughts. They just unquestioningly think them. So if a child concludes that Mom and Dad got a divorce because s/he was a bad girl or bad boy, they carry that with them on an unconscious level until they are helped to raise that early decision to the level of consciousness. Then they can make a new, decision that is less damaging to their growth and development. This is a graphic example of an early decision run amuck and then corrected – spring cleaning at its best.
What lurks in the cob webs of your mind that needs to be brushed away? What hides in the dark corners that need to be faced and put to rest so you are no longer held back? What baggage is in your trunk of unhappy memories? Finding and putting these archaic experiences is essential. Otherwise, they will continue to haunt you and overshadow your ability to live the life. Then you will continue living someone else’s life, not your own.
In May, I am offering two opportunities to help you “spring clean.” The first will be on an acreage in Ocala, FL, on May 15th and 16th. The second will be held in Minneapolis, MN, at the lovely 1893 Nicollet Island Inn, on the banks of the mighty Mississippi River on May 22nd and 23rd. At each of these events, I will guide your mental and emotional spring cleaning.
For more information, visit my web site, www.drbetherickson.com. Click on Services and then Group Consultations on the left. This will allow you to access a video where I explain about the Florida Consultation Group and read specific details. The Minneapolis group will be a mirror image of the experience in Florida.
And of course, call my toll free number, 888-546-1580
Dr. Beth
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