Saturday, May 19, 2012
Losing a Best Friend
Have you ever lost a best friend? Dealing with the grief from that is important but doubly tough because unlike the loss of a close family member, society does not come to you with compassion. The loss of a best friend occurs more often than not by breaking up rather than by death but both will feel the same and both must be grieved.
Hear Dr. Beth discuss this on her radio show Relationships 101 on webtalkradio.net on Monday, May 21, 2012 after it is posted on line at noon. This link will take you there directly. http://tinyurl.com/yzxnexy It will be the last half of this show.
An archived recent show is called Friendship Interrupted. Dr. Beth spoke with Judy Dippel about her book Friendship Interrupted. They talked about when you lose a best friend, whether by death, irresolvable differences, or growing apart. This is a profound and unsettling experience that must be grieved to move on.
Many of us know of someone who is hurting because of losing a best friend. Why don‘t you take a moment and send this message to them. I am sure they would be comforted by knowing you care.
If you go to drbetherickson.com and at the top of the home page click on the JOIN you can receive a weekly notice of the guests and topics of the show to be posted that week. I do hope you join my caring community of frequent listeners.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Who’s on the Family Tree? It’s Complicated
This was written a few weeks ago but it is such an important topic that I choose to release it here also. This is just one example of my Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth.
If after reading this article you would like to see more Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth just go to the following link and you will see a link to sign up to experience for free these suggestion filled daily posts of advice to become a better more in control happier YOU.
Join today! It is free for 30 days and there is no obligation to continue but I believe when you have a chance to experience this daily missive you like all others will find it daily reading that you cannot imagine not having.
http://www.drbetherickson.com/daily_words_of_wisdom.html
I am asking you to at least give it a try.
If after reading this if you beliieve as I do that this information should be must reading for every person thinking about or may try to use advanced reproductive methods invite them to go to my website http://www.drbetherickson.com/ and read this article and suggest to them that they should share this information with their friends and acquaintencnes,
Introduction
With the advent of many advances in reproductive technology, such as sperm donors, surrogate mothers, same-sex parents, stepparents and stepsiblings, and infertility treatments, it is difficult to say unequivocally who is related to whom. Time was, there were only two ways to become related: through marriage or along bloodlines. But now, family ties are murkier, relationships are more complex, and family trees have many more branches.
How "family" is defined is a crucial question on many levels. Beyond the debate over same-sex marriage, it affects income tax filings, adoption and foster care practices, employee benefits, inheritance rights, hospital visitation, and countless other legal matters and just as importantly the future of your health and means for treatment.
In this post, I will discuss how family trees are beginning to look like tangled forests and the implications of this increasingly complex 21st century phenomenon. And in order to comprehend these families, you have to be able to think complexly.
Census Data
For the last six years, according to United States census data, there have been more unmarried households than married ones. And more same-sex couples are having children using surrogates or sperm donors or by adoption. The California Cryobank, one of the nation’s largest sperm banks, said that about one-third of its clients in 2009 were lesbian couples, compared with seven percent a decade earlier.
New questions are being phased in nationally on the standard birth certificate questionnaire about whether, and what type of reproductive technology was used, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Aspects of This Issue
Tracing a family tree is more than an intellectual exercise. There are medical, legal, bioethical, and emotional dimensions to this issue. As the composition of families changes, a new set of questions emerges as to who gets a branch on the family tree.
Medical
If a child becomes seriously ill who was born using artificial insemination, how will that child ever know his/her health legacy? If s/he needs a bone marrow donor, for example, and there is no known sibling or father who could be located to serve as a match, that child is out of luck if his/her mother is not a match.
Legal
Who is a legitimate legal heir to a deceased parent’s estate? Who inherits property? Unless the deceased person specifically has named a child in his/her will who is not related by blood, for instance a stepchild, that individual has no legitimate claim to the deceased parent’s estate.
In addition, there is no regulatory framework in place that would protect the children who are born using Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) from harm. In the United States, there is no consistent regulatory framework to protect the children born using ART from harm. And the regulations that do exist are generally less effective than they need to be.
Bioethical Issues
Currently, few regulatory mechanisms are in place at either the state or the federal or state level that would protect unborn children from their parent’s decision to reproduce by any means possible.
Many issues of reproductive technology have given rise to bioethical issues, since technology often alters the assumptions that lie behind existing systems of sexual and reproductive morality. People contemplating becoming parents by any means possible need to consider issues like:
Just because we can do something, should we do it?
How do adults and we as a society balance The Right to Reproduce vs. the Rights/Best Interests of Children?
Alas, too few physicians and would-be parents contemplate such important questions before they proceed with choosing their best option for bearing a child. Witness the “Octo Mom.”
Further, it is not known how many “leftover embryos” that could be babies are sitting in cryogenic storage in fertility centers. Some estimates are as high as 400, 000 in the U.S. alone. Although it is unclear how many of these embryos will be discarded in the next few years, their presence has fueled the debate over human embryonic stem cell research.
Emotional
Some children who have to comprehend and explain to others who their relatives are and how they are related may develop a sense of alienation from their peers who grow up in more conventional homes. Then, they also can experience a sense of isolation and a feeling of being odd and weird. Although, of course, it clearly is not their parent’s intention, the unconventional circumstances of their birth can cause these children emotional pain that can last a lifetime.
What of Other Children Fathered by the Sperm Donor?
Technically, they could be the child’s half-siblings. But especially if there is no chance of knowing who they are, they might better be called “donor siblings.”
It is even possible that half-siblings conceived with the help of a sperm donor might be attracted to and want to marry his/her half-sibling. This would be a case of accidental incest, and who knows what the legal ramifications of that might be!
Case Example
Many years ago, I treated a woman whose father was a sperm donor. Since Assisted Reproductive Technology has only been around for about 25 years, her mother must have been a pioneer in using artificial insemination to bear her daughter.
Her mother’s choice had profound implications for the daughter. Apparently, she thought nothing of them when she made the decision to exercise her personal right to bear a child by any means possible. My client spoke of a profound sense of loneliness and emptiness when she was unable to answer the question of who her father was. And she got little comfort from her detached mother who, in truth, only knew of the sperm donor’s approximate age, eye color, ethnic background, and that he was a medical student. She had no information whatsoever about her half-siblings who theoretically could number in the dozens.
All I could give the woman was a kind listening ear as she cried and railed at her unfortunate circumstance, which was precious little comfort, I’m afraid. But clearly, it was more than she felt she could get from her mother.
What This Means for You
• If you have already had a child using ART, be aware of the voids in that child’s psyche and soul.
• To never know both birth parents is a profound loss for these children.
• Parents need to help them grieve.
• This is true of other circumstances as well, such as a child whose parent is killed in a war before s/he is born.
• Being fathered by a sperm donor is the smallest scintilla of fatherhood there is.
• Who is in a child’s family is becoming increasingly more complicated for all concerned, and I suspect its complications will continue to grow exponentially
© Dr. Beth Erickson 2011
If after reading this article you would like to see more Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth just go to the following link and you will see a link to sign up to experience for free these suggestion filled daily posts of advice to become a better more in control happier YOU.
Join today! It is free for 30 days and there is no obligation to continue but I believe when you have a chance to experience this daily missive you like all others will find it daily reading that you cannot imagine not having.
http://www.drbetherickson.com/daily_words_of_wisdom.html
I am asking you to at least give it a try.
If after reading this if you beliieve as I do that this information should be must reading for every person thinking about or may try to use advanced reproductive methods invite them to go to my website http://www.drbetherickson.com/ and read this article and suggest to them that they should share this information with their friends and acquaintencnes,
Introduction
With the advent of many advances in reproductive technology, such as sperm donors, surrogate mothers, same-sex parents, stepparents and stepsiblings, and infertility treatments, it is difficult to say unequivocally who is related to whom. Time was, there were only two ways to become related: through marriage or along bloodlines. But now, family ties are murkier, relationships are more complex, and family trees have many more branches.
How "family" is defined is a crucial question on many levels. Beyond the debate over same-sex marriage, it affects income tax filings, adoption and foster care practices, employee benefits, inheritance rights, hospital visitation, and countless other legal matters and just as importantly the future of your health and means for treatment.
In this post, I will discuss how family trees are beginning to look like tangled forests and the implications of this increasingly complex 21st century phenomenon. And in order to comprehend these families, you have to be able to think complexly.
Census Data
For the last six years, according to United States census data, there have been more unmarried households than married ones. And more same-sex couples are having children using surrogates or sperm donors or by adoption. The California Cryobank, one of the nation’s largest sperm banks, said that about one-third of its clients in 2009 were lesbian couples, compared with seven percent a decade earlier.
New questions are being phased in nationally on the standard birth certificate questionnaire about whether, and what type of reproductive technology was used, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Aspects of This Issue
Tracing a family tree is more than an intellectual exercise. There are medical, legal, bioethical, and emotional dimensions to this issue. As the composition of families changes, a new set of questions emerges as to who gets a branch on the family tree.
Medical
If a child becomes seriously ill who was born using artificial insemination, how will that child ever know his/her health legacy? If s/he needs a bone marrow donor, for example, and there is no known sibling or father who could be located to serve as a match, that child is out of luck if his/her mother is not a match.
Legal
Who is a legitimate legal heir to a deceased parent’s estate? Who inherits property? Unless the deceased person specifically has named a child in his/her will who is not related by blood, for instance a stepchild, that individual has no legitimate claim to the deceased parent’s estate.
In addition, there is no regulatory framework in place that would protect the children who are born using Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) from harm. In the United States, there is no consistent regulatory framework to protect the children born using ART from harm. And the regulations that do exist are generally less effective than they need to be.
Bioethical Issues
Currently, few regulatory mechanisms are in place at either the state or the federal or state level that would protect unborn children from their parent’s decision to reproduce by any means possible.
Many issues of reproductive technology have given rise to bioethical issues, since technology often alters the assumptions that lie behind existing systems of sexual and reproductive morality. People contemplating becoming parents by any means possible need to consider issues like:
Just because we can do something, should we do it?
How do adults and we as a society balance The Right to Reproduce vs. the Rights/Best Interests of Children?
Alas, too few physicians and would-be parents contemplate such important questions before they proceed with choosing their best option for bearing a child. Witness the “Octo Mom.”
Further, it is not known how many “leftover embryos” that could be babies are sitting in cryogenic storage in fertility centers. Some estimates are as high as 400, 000 in the U.S. alone. Although it is unclear how many of these embryos will be discarded in the next few years, their presence has fueled the debate over human embryonic stem cell research.
Emotional
Some children who have to comprehend and explain to others who their relatives are and how they are related may develop a sense of alienation from their peers who grow up in more conventional homes. Then, they also can experience a sense of isolation and a feeling of being odd and weird. Although, of course, it clearly is not their parent’s intention, the unconventional circumstances of their birth can cause these children emotional pain that can last a lifetime.
What of Other Children Fathered by the Sperm Donor?
Technically, they could be the child’s half-siblings. But especially if there is no chance of knowing who they are, they might better be called “donor siblings.”
It is even possible that half-siblings conceived with the help of a sperm donor might be attracted to and want to marry his/her half-sibling. This would be a case of accidental incest, and who knows what the legal ramifications of that might be!
Case Example
Many years ago, I treated a woman whose father was a sperm donor. Since Assisted Reproductive Technology has only been around for about 25 years, her mother must have been a pioneer in using artificial insemination to bear her daughter.
Her mother’s choice had profound implications for the daughter. Apparently, she thought nothing of them when she made the decision to exercise her personal right to bear a child by any means possible. My client spoke of a profound sense of loneliness and emptiness when she was unable to answer the question of who her father was. And she got little comfort from her detached mother who, in truth, only knew of the sperm donor’s approximate age, eye color, ethnic background, and that he was a medical student. She had no information whatsoever about her half-siblings who theoretically could number in the dozens.
All I could give the woman was a kind listening ear as she cried and railed at her unfortunate circumstance, which was precious little comfort, I’m afraid. But clearly, it was more than she felt she could get from her mother.
What This Means for You
• If you have already had a child using ART, be aware of the voids in that child’s psyche and soul.
• To never know both birth parents is a profound loss for these children.
• Parents need to help them grieve.
• This is true of other circumstances as well, such as a child whose parent is killed in a war before s/he is born.
• Being fathered by a sperm donor is the smallest scintilla of fatherhood there is.
• Who is in a child’s family is becoming increasingly more complicated for all concerned, and I suspect its complications will continue to grow exponentially
© Dr. Beth Erickson 2011
Are You Involved With a Serial Cheater
Hi Dr. Beth,
Your interview with Sterling Anderson "the recovering cheater" was fascinating..
I came across a cheater when I was in college when I met one of my classmates, Charles. He lived with a girlfriend and yet wanted to have a "platonic" relationship with me. It's interesting that Sterling talked about the "affairs of the heart" that begin with fantasy, but in the end is still a form of c...heating. It surprised me that Charles needed a 'platonic friend" even though he had a girlfriend. In the end, I walked away when I realized he was using me as I'm sure I was one of many female "friends" he engulfed with his "tentacles" to gratify his need for attention. Young women should learn early to recognize these parasites before they waste their time. I made a mistake by not walking away sooner.
You did a wonderful job at tackling the subject! Your "Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth" on this topic is a must read for everyone in or looking to be in a "relationship."
Go to www.webtalkradio.net find Relationships 101 and hear this great conversation.
Your interview with Sterling Anderson "the recovering cheater" was fascinating..
I came across a cheater when I was in college when I met one of my classmates, Charles. He lived with a girlfriend and yet wanted to have a "platonic" relationship with me. It's interesting that Sterling talked about the "affairs of the heart" that begin with fantasy, but in the end is still a form of c...heating. It surprised me that Charles needed a 'platonic friend" even though he had a girlfriend. In the end, I walked away when I realized he was using me as I'm sure I was one of many female "friends" he engulfed with his "tentacles" to gratify his need for attention. Young women should learn early to recognize these parasites before they waste their time. I made a mistake by not walking away sooner.
You did a wonderful job at tackling the subject! Your "Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth" on this topic is a must read for everyone in or looking to be in a "relationship."
Go to www.webtalkradio.net find Relationships 101 and hear this great conversation.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth is a HIT!!
In the last couple of weeks I have written in Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth on the following topics: Seven Deadly Sins Against Relationships; Why Women Love Bad Boys and Jerks; What Makes for Marital Satisfaction?; Could Your Marriage Survive an Affair?; and here is some of the feedback I have received from my subscribers.
Just loving these, and wanted you to know... Heather, October 9, 2011
Dr. Beth! I've been thoroughly enjoying your daily emails, glad I signed up.
Marissa, October 5, 2011
Hi Dr. Beth, Thank you! Such a good article again! Julie, October 6, 2011
Really good -- pulling it together for them! Yes, the one today was really good!!!
Karen, October 3, 2011
Here is a direct link to get to the sign up form. http://tinyurl.com/43q2jt4 just copy and paste this into your browser.
All Bold items are required to be completed including your credit card information before you click on the submit order on the bottom right.
Your credit card will not be charged at this time but will be charged $6.46 at the end of your 30 day free trial.
$0.21 (21 Cents) a day is all it costs in the future to be informed and learn the tools that will help you have a more happy and successful life, career and relationships.
Just loving these, and wanted you to know... Heather, October 9, 2011
Dr. Beth! I've been thoroughly enjoying your daily emails, glad I signed up.
Marissa, October 5, 2011
Hi Dr. Beth, Thank you! Such a good article again! Julie, October 6, 2011
Really good -- pulling it together for them! Yes, the one today was really good!!!
Karen, October 3, 2011
Here is a direct link to get to the sign up form. http://tinyurl.com/43q2jt4 just copy and paste this into your browser.
All Bold items are required to be completed including your credit card information before you click on the submit order on the bottom right.
Your credit card will not be charged at this time but will be charged $6.46 at the end of your 30 day free trial.
$0.21 (21 Cents) a day is all it costs in the future to be informed and learn the tools that will help you have a more happy and successful life, career and relationships.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
You must protect yourself with reasonable Boundries
Many people today are either; slightly frazzled, mildly frayed, or full-on exhausted and experience great frustration because of it. But your body, your family, and especially your career require you to set limits so you don’t burn out. Constantly pushing the envelope of what is humanly possible for one person to manage will catch up with you sooner or later, one way or another.
Would you like to learn how Setting Boundaries Can Help You to Protect Your Sanity and Your Relationships and how to create reasonable and proper boundaries? Send me an email with "Setting Boundaries" in the subject line to my email address drbetherickson@aol.com and I will send it to you right away. This expert guide will help you eliminate some of the frustration in your life.
Would you like to learn how Setting Boundaries Can Help You to Protect Your Sanity and Your Relationships and how to create reasonable and proper boundaries? Send me an email with "Setting Boundaries" in the subject line to my email address drbetherickson@aol.com and I will send it to you right away. This expert guide will help you eliminate some of the frustration in your life.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Does Your Relationship Need a Tune Up?
Deciding whether to go or to stay in a relationship can be challenging indeed. I frequently am asked to help people assess the health and viability of a relationship and to help them decide to invest farther or to cut their losses. I call this “riding shotgun.”
I am somewhat hesitant to reduce this major life dilemma down to checklists. But I acknowledge that people have different learning styles. Also, because making this decision can be so fraught with bewildering emotions, I have chosen to simplify the process as much as I can. What follows is a series of checklists that delineate at least some of the questions to ask yourself as you struggle to answer the question “Should I go or stay in this relationship?”
Would you like to have the “Blueprint to Assess the Viability of Your Intimate Relationship”. Send me an email with that topic in the subject line to my email drbetherickson@aol.com and I will send them to you.
I am somewhat hesitant to reduce this major life dilemma down to checklists. But I acknowledge that people have different learning styles. Also, because making this decision can be so fraught with bewildering emotions, I have chosen to simplify the process as much as I can. What follows is a series of checklists that delineate at least some of the questions to ask yourself as you struggle to answer the question “Should I go or stay in this relationship?”
Would you like to have the “Blueprint to Assess the Viability of Your Intimate Relationship”. Send me an email with that topic in the subject line to my email drbetherickson@aol.com and I will send them to you.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
How to Spot a Narcissist
On my radio show that airs on Monday, August 29th, I introduced the first in a three-part series on narcissists: who they are, how to spot them, why they are so seductive, how to leave them, and how their insatiable desire for adoration makes them so seductive to codependent people.
Narcissists are decidedly a mixed bag. They are very appealing at first. They have a keen interest in charming the opposite sex. They are entertaining and exciting, but they are also aggressive and manipulative. They have a powerful need for attention. There is a strong link between narcissism and physical attractiveness, which is part of their initial charm. There is also a strong connection between narcissism and leadership. Because they are so desirous of admiration and even adoration, they tend to sweep into a leaderless group and take charge.
The more emotionally attached you get, the easier it will be for a narcissist to manipulate you. Often, however, being dazzled by first impressions turns sour because of their manipulativeness, lack of empathy, and demand for adoration.
The following nine characteristics distinguish someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, according to the DSM-IV which is a clinician’s “Bible” for diagnosing disorders. NPD is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power and love
3. Believes s/he is special and unique
4. Requires extensive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is envious of others or believes that others are envious or him/her
9. Shows arrogant or haughty behaviors
Six elements should be noted. 1) There is a fine line between being an extravert and a narcissist. 2) There is such a thing as healthy narcissism which forms a constant, realistic self-interest, mature goals and principles, and an ability to form deep relationships. 3) Healthy narcissism is the antithesis of the insecurity or inadequacy that plague a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 4) A certain amount of narcissism is a required element within normal development. 5) We all are narcissistic to one degree or another. 6) Although there are female narcissists, the majority are males.
Narcissists are decidedly a mixed bag. They are very appealing at first. They have a keen interest in charming the opposite sex. They are entertaining and exciting, but they are also aggressive and manipulative. They have a powerful need for attention. There is a strong link between narcissism and physical attractiveness, which is part of their initial charm. There is also a strong connection between narcissism and leadership. Because they are so desirous of admiration and even adoration, they tend to sweep into a leaderless group and take charge.
The more emotionally attached you get, the easier it will be for a narcissist to manipulate you. Often, however, being dazzled by first impressions turns sour because of their manipulativeness, lack of empathy, and demand for adoration.
The following nine characteristics distinguish someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, according to the DSM-IV which is a clinician’s “Bible” for diagnosing disorders. NPD is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power and love
3. Believes s/he is special and unique
4. Requires extensive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is envious of others or believes that others are envious or him/her
9. Shows arrogant or haughty behaviors
Six elements should be noted. 1) There is a fine line between being an extravert and a narcissist. 2) There is such a thing as healthy narcissism which forms a constant, realistic self-interest, mature goals and principles, and an ability to form deep relationships. 3) Healthy narcissism is the antithesis of the insecurity or inadequacy that plague a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 4) A certain amount of narcissism is a required element within normal development. 5) We all are narcissistic to one degree or another. 6) Although there are female narcissists, the majority are males.
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