Yesterday on my radio show, “Relationships 101,” I interviewed psychotherapist J.E. Wright, author of The Sexualization of America’s Kids. He specializes in treating children and adolescents who have been victimized by the sexualized messages with which they are bombarded daily. Unfortunately, those messages generally are not from their parents or other responsible adults. Rather, they come from television, their peers wwho are just as confused as they are, the Internet, social media and MTV. And the more parents are unaware of this, the more they are unable to appropriately protect their children from this barrage of distorted messages.
One of the net effects of this situation is that these media have contorted children’s barometer of what is normal. “Dials” on kids’ heads that once told them what was normal and what was not, when it comes to sex and sexuality, have been twisted into a new normal. And that new normal isn’t all that healthy, unless parents intervene and offer alternatives to the messages their kids receive from the culture. Too often, the result is sexting, random oral sex parties, and skiddle parties where kids set out whatever drugs they can get their hands on like adults set out chips and dip.
What is a parent to do? Parents, take heart. There are several things you can do to prevent your kids being confused and programmed by sexually titillating material with which they are inundated. One is to teach your kids about normal sexuality at home by modeling it. For example, it can be helpful to step from the shower to your bedroom naked. This helps children realize the nude body is not so mysterious. Have conversations with children about what they think of a particular commercial and why they think sexy, beautiful women frequently are seen in car commercials. Regularly dialogue with their kids from the time they are young, even though they most likely will be uncomfortable and resistant at first. If so, ask if you can talk with them about it in a few days. This lets them know that you are interested in talking with and listening to them without it disintegrating into a fight.
If that doesn’t work and if a child begins to act out his confusion at school or with other children, it is essential that you seek professional help. Otherwise, this dangerous behavior can become a calcified pattern that your child may well bring into adulthood. Then the consequences of this confusion may be much more significant and dangerous.
Be sure to tune in to “Relationships 101” next Monday, when I will speak with psychotherapist Jeff Ford on “Internet Addiction.”
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
"A Lot of Forgiveness Goin’ On!"
As I wrote in my last blog entry, I conducted an extended session with a young man who flew in from the East Coast. He sought my help to resolve issues created by the untimely death of his father when my client was 15. Unfortunately, his father’s dying was not the worst of it. Rather, it was the silence of both of his parents’ before and the continuing virtual silence of the mother afterward. For all of them, there was an elephant in the room that everyone walked around, as the teenage boy withdrew farther into himself.
The young man arrived in Minneapolis on Friday morning ready to get down to brass tacks. The flood of emotions began after about twenty minutes in my office, accompanied by profuse tears.
He had many "ah-ha" moments throughout the 5 hours and 15 minutes we worked together. When I asked his permission to summarize some of the major ones in my blog, his response was immediate and clear. “If it will help somebody, sure!”
First, I should note that it is a relatively simple process, though still painful, to resolve a loss at the time it occurs. That is, if there are no variables that complicate it, such as a family’s conspiracy of silence surrounding the loss, as my client experienced. However, when additional factors become entangled into the loss, resolving it is a painstaking process. It requires coming to terms with a host of often interlocking components that each must be understood.
Furthermore, just intellectually grasping what happened or didn’t isn’t enough. The range of feelings surrounding events must be experienced and expressed, in order for the dark clouds of grief that often turn to depression to lift.
Here is a summary of some of his healing realizations, in his own words.
“I had always felt there was something wrong with me that I felt either sadness or anger about my
father’s death.”
“I always felt a lot of shame because there was so much I couldn’t figure out, and that was
controlling my life.“
“The constant feedback that my feelings were wrong was crippling.”
“No one else in my whole family was [expressing feelings], so something must be wrong with me
that I felt sad and angry. I never knew how anyone felt.”
“[As a result], I became this other person completely, ruled by demons.”
“I always felt I’d been chosen to suffer.”
“I’m finally admitting to myself that I have been suffering. And I feel like I’m getting myself
back.”
Even reading that courageous young man’s feelings in isolation on paper is gripping. So many years, he isolated himself and felt isolated. So much pain, much of it unnecessary, if only someone had understood and effectively helped.
What’s important now is that he has chosen to help himself, and that he wants to help others by sharing his lessons from this difficult but maturing experience. I would be proud to have him as my own son any day.
The young man arrived in Minneapolis on Friday morning ready to get down to brass tacks. The flood of emotions began after about twenty minutes in my office, accompanied by profuse tears.
He had many "ah-ha" moments throughout the 5 hours and 15 minutes we worked together. When I asked his permission to summarize some of the major ones in my blog, his response was immediate and clear. “If it will help somebody, sure!”
First, I should note that it is a relatively simple process, though still painful, to resolve a loss at the time it occurs. That is, if there are no variables that complicate it, such as a family’s conspiracy of silence surrounding the loss, as my client experienced. However, when additional factors become entangled into the loss, resolving it is a painstaking process. It requires coming to terms with a host of often interlocking components that each must be understood.
Furthermore, just intellectually grasping what happened or didn’t isn’t enough. The range of feelings surrounding events must be experienced and expressed, in order for the dark clouds of grief that often turn to depression to lift.
Here is a summary of some of his healing realizations, in his own words.
“I had always felt there was something wrong with me that I felt either sadness or anger about my
father’s death.”
“I always felt a lot of shame because there was so much I couldn’t figure out, and that was
controlling my life.“
“The constant feedback that my feelings were wrong was crippling.”
“No one else in my whole family was [expressing feelings], so something must be wrong with me
that I felt sad and angry. I never knew how anyone felt.”
“[As a result], I became this other person completely, ruled by demons.”
“I always felt I’d been chosen to suffer.”
“I’m finally admitting to myself that I have been suffering. And I feel like I’m getting myself
back.”
Even reading that courageous young man’s feelings in isolation on paper is gripping. So many years, he isolated himself and felt isolated. So much pain, much of it unnecessary, if only someone had understood and effectively helped.
What’s important now is that he has chosen to help himself, and that he wants to help others by sharing his lessons from this difficult but maturing experience. I would be proud to have him as my own son any day.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Longing for Dad: Resolving Father Loss
This weekend for two days, a young man with whom I have been consulting by phone for the last couple of months is flying to Minneapolis from the East Coast to work with me. He found me when his mother spotted my book Longing for Dad: Father Loss and Its Impact and purchased a copy for both of them.
My client’s father had been ill with cancer for a year, but my client, who was then 15, wasn’t told of his father’s condition until a week before his death. This gave my client no opportunity to say good-bye to his beloved father. And worse still, his mother left him on his own after her husband’s death because, she admits, he was having a hard time and she didn’t know what to do. So there he was, trying to make sense of this traumatic experience all on his own. Yes, his mother brought him to a therapist for 2 or 3 sessions, but the therapist didn’t know what to do with him, either. So all his grief went down inside.
In essence, he lost both of his parents when the father died.
He recalls having tears once. He sobbed on his sister’s shoulder for a few seconds at the graveside until he could regain his composure. He then stuffed all his feelings down inside.
When he initially called to begin work with me, he was extremely depressed and, by his own admission, lost. His being clueless about how he felt translated to his being virtually paralyzed when it came to relating to women or knowing what he truly wanted to be when he grew up.
Although we made much progress in our phone appointments, I was delighted for him when he requested to come to Minneapolis to work face-to-face with me on the extremely arduous task of resolving his father’s death. He had been left alone with it for so long, that I interpreted this request as a giant step forward toward his being willing to trust and to ask for what he needed.
I have spoken with his mother three times. Now, in retrospect, she wishes she had been more assertive in breaking down her son’s protective shield and protecting him herself. Surely, this would have helped him with his skittishness with women. Undoubtedly, she was grieving and adjusting to being a widow herself. However, what a difference it would have made for her son if she had been more effective in protecting him and talking with him at the time.
Parents, please do not leave your children on their own to make sense of life’s traumas. They don’t have the cognitive machinery to do so until they are at least sixteen, according to the great Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget. And they need your support and constancy, then more than ever. If you don’t know what to say to them, just sit with them. Ask how they are feeling and how you can help. Above all, don’t abandon them. Just being there for and with them is an elegantly simple balm.
My client’s father had been ill with cancer for a year, but my client, who was then 15, wasn’t told of his father’s condition until a week before his death. This gave my client no opportunity to say good-bye to his beloved father. And worse still, his mother left him on his own after her husband’s death because, she admits, he was having a hard time and she didn’t know what to do. So there he was, trying to make sense of this traumatic experience all on his own. Yes, his mother brought him to a therapist for 2 or 3 sessions, but the therapist didn’t know what to do with him, either. So all his grief went down inside.
In essence, he lost both of his parents when the father died.
He recalls having tears once. He sobbed on his sister’s shoulder for a few seconds at the graveside until he could regain his composure. He then stuffed all his feelings down inside.
When he initially called to begin work with me, he was extremely depressed and, by his own admission, lost. His being clueless about how he felt translated to his being virtually paralyzed when it came to relating to women or knowing what he truly wanted to be when he grew up.
Although we made much progress in our phone appointments, I was delighted for him when he requested to come to Minneapolis to work face-to-face with me on the extremely arduous task of resolving his father’s death. He had been left alone with it for so long, that I interpreted this request as a giant step forward toward his being willing to trust and to ask for what he needed.
I have spoken with his mother three times. Now, in retrospect, she wishes she had been more assertive in breaking down her son’s protective shield and protecting him herself. Surely, this would have helped him with his skittishness with women. Undoubtedly, she was grieving and adjusting to being a widow herself. However, what a difference it would have made for her son if she had been more effective in protecting him and talking with him at the time.
Parents, please do not leave your children on their own to make sense of life’s traumas. They don’t have the cognitive machinery to do so until they are at least sixteen, according to the great Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget. And they need your support and constancy, then more than ever. If you don’t know what to say to them, just sit with them. Ask how they are feeling and how you can help. Above all, don’t abandon them. Just being there for and with them is an elegantly simple balm.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Would You Please Be My Messenger?
Just today I received this comment on my Blog. “I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.” Lucy
Thank you Lucy for posting your comment. I truly appreciate knowing that my message has been received. My goal is to help make every reader’s life happier, more successful, and every relationship better and more fulfilling.
Lucy's comment was posted on a Blog Post from November 2008, so I am sure this lady had scrolled through several postings before leaving me this comment. Whether you are a faithful reader or simply a periodic visitor to this Blog site I sincerely hope you have been enlightened, entertained, educated or simply amused by my postings.
Lucy and every person who reads these posts, I have a special favor to ask of you. I do not know if your own email address book has one address or thousands of addresses but once you have read these posts and have like Lucy “enjoyed reading them” and believe this is a blog worth “visiting often” would you send the link to access my blog http://drbetherickson.blogspot.com/ to your list with an invitation to visit. The recommendation of someone known by each of us carries great weight.
If you believe as I do that my message is important, I ask you be my messenger to help get the word out about my blog. I will be forever grateful.
Dedicated to your Health and Happiness.
Dr. Beth
Thank you Lucy for posting your comment. I truly appreciate knowing that my message has been received. My goal is to help make every reader’s life happier, more successful, and every relationship better and more fulfilling.
Lucy's comment was posted on a Blog Post from November 2008, so I am sure this lady had scrolled through several postings before leaving me this comment. Whether you are a faithful reader or simply a periodic visitor to this Blog site I sincerely hope you have been enlightened, entertained, educated or simply amused by my postings.
Lucy and every person who reads these posts, I have a special favor to ask of you. I do not know if your own email address book has one address or thousands of addresses but once you have read these posts and have like Lucy “enjoyed reading them” and believe this is a blog worth “visiting often” would you send the link to access my blog http://drbetherickson.blogspot.com/ to your list with an invitation to visit. The recommendation of someone known by each of us carries great weight.
If you believe as I do that my message is important, I ask you be my messenger to help get the word out about my blog. I will be forever grateful.
Dedicated to your Health and Happiness.
Dr. Beth
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Finding Love
It took my husband and me decades to find each other. We each had been married, divorced, remarried, and divorced again when we finally found each other. Having been around the block and then around it again by the time we met, we knew what we were looking for.
We both sensed even before we actually met our search was over. Even my 17 year-old great nephew could see. He told his mom after he had met Paul, “Aunt Bethie sure got it right this time, didn’t she?”
Paul and I each had at times despaired of ever finding the love of our lives. But we never gave up. And you shouldn't, either.
Our first date was magical. I walked into the mostly full restaurant where we were to meet and walked directly over to him. Before we said a word, we hugged. And the rest, as they say, is history. We talked about marriage on our first date, but we gave ourselves six months to live together, just to be really confident in our choice.
What made us so confident? All of our experiences with dating and marriage had been the school of hard knocks that taught us about ourselves and what we were seeking. Each time a relationship went south, regardless of who initiated the breakup, we had practiced and learned. And best of all, we loved. All of this was priceless, if disappointing,knowledge.
What is the best favor you can do for yourself if you are single and starting over? Remain open- hearted. Of course, you need to go into a new relationship with your eyes open as well. But don’t be afraid to be loving. You will learn the most about yourself when you do.
The other favor you can do for yourself is to learn as much as you can about yourself and what makes you tick. About your contribution to the relationship disappointments you have experienced. About your defenses and how you protect yourself that gets in the way of giving and receiving love. About your dysfunctional patterns that limit your success in relationships. And about the partners you have chosen, you can see with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, that virtually guaranteed the your relationship(s) wouldn't work. In other words, instead of blaming your partner(s), identify your contributions to the demise of each relationship have been in.
And don’t wait. Volunteer. Start a book club or a gourmet club. Be busy with other people and activities that are soul food for you. Take art, cooking or singing lessons. Go on vacations with friends or family. If you think of this period as waiting, you will be impatient and prone to making a mistake just to end the waiting and feel like you have some control.
And most of all, make a decision. Decide that you have no intention of remaining alone for the rest of your life. And then commit to remaining open to new possibilities.
Who knows. You may receive a visit from Cupid this season of love. And if you don’t and in order to salve your loneliness, hire a competent relationship therapist or consultant who can help you make sure you get out of your own way while providing support in this very important interim of incubation.
We both sensed even before we actually met our search was over. Even my 17 year-old great nephew could see. He told his mom after he had met Paul, “Aunt Bethie sure got it right this time, didn’t she?”
Paul and I each had at times despaired of ever finding the love of our lives. But we never gave up. And you shouldn't, either.
Our first date was magical. I walked into the mostly full restaurant where we were to meet and walked directly over to him. Before we said a word, we hugged. And the rest, as they say, is history. We talked about marriage on our first date, but we gave ourselves six months to live together, just to be really confident in our choice.
What made us so confident? All of our experiences with dating and marriage had been the school of hard knocks that taught us about ourselves and what we were seeking. Each time a relationship went south, regardless of who initiated the breakup, we had practiced and learned. And best of all, we loved. All of this was priceless, if disappointing,knowledge.
What is the best favor you can do for yourself if you are single and starting over? Remain open- hearted. Of course, you need to go into a new relationship with your eyes open as well. But don’t be afraid to be loving. You will learn the most about yourself when you do.
The other favor you can do for yourself is to learn as much as you can about yourself and what makes you tick. About your contribution to the relationship disappointments you have experienced. About your defenses and how you protect yourself that gets in the way of giving and receiving love. About your dysfunctional patterns that limit your success in relationships. And about the partners you have chosen, you can see with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, that virtually guaranteed the your relationship(s) wouldn't work. In other words, instead of blaming your partner(s), identify your contributions to the demise of each relationship have been in.
And don’t wait. Volunteer. Start a book club or a gourmet club. Be busy with other people and activities that are soul food for you. Take art, cooking or singing lessons. Go on vacations with friends or family. If you think of this period as waiting, you will be impatient and prone to making a mistake just to end the waiting and feel like you have some control.
And most of all, make a decision. Decide that you have no intention of remaining alone for the rest of your life. And then commit to remaining open to new possibilities.
Who knows. You may receive a visit from Cupid this season of love. And if you don’t and in order to salve your loneliness, hire a competent relationship therapist or consultant who can help you make sure you get out of your own way while providing support in this very important interim of incubation.
Friday, January 22, 2010
A Blueprint To Assess the Viability of Your Relationship
Last night’s teleconference on deciding whether to go or to stay in a relationship was an animated conversation indeed. In it, I was asked to create a kind of checklist for assessing the health and viability of relationships. Although I hesitate to reduce this major life dilemma down to a checklist, I acknowledge that people have different learning styles. So I agreed to take up the challenge of attempting to delineate some questions to ask yourself as you struggle to resolve this life-changing question. I don't have to tell people who wrestle with this question that either way they decide, their life will be forever changed.
At the risk of stating the obvious, no relationship is all good or all bad. Rather, successful relationships contain relative strengths and weaknesses. So as you answer these questions about your current relationship or do a postmortem on a prior one, keep in mind that most relationship attributes are neither all or nothing.
Please fill in the blank with numbers ranging from 1 to 5, with 1 being not very much and 5 being nearly always.
_____ 1. Is there reciprocity, give and take, in the relationship?
_____ 2. Do you work together to solve problems?
_____ 3. Do you enjoy being with each other?
_____ 4. Do you laugh and have fun together?
_____ 5. Do you each seek to understand your partner’s feelings?
_____ 6. Do you feel understood?
_____ 7.Do you respect each other’s opinions and perspectives, even when you disagree?
_____ 8. Do you want similar things out of life?
_____ 9. Are you both willing to compromise, rather than insisting on having your own way?
_____ 10.Do you feel safe expressing your feelings and needs?
_____ 11.Do you respect each other?
_____ 13.Do you look out for each other?
_____ 14.Do you trust each other?
_____ 15.Do you feel like your partner has your back?
_____ 16.Do you like your partner?
_____ 17.Is there a minimum of blame in your relationship?
_____ 18.Are your feelings and needs respected?
_____ 19.Do you and your partner operate as a functional united front, especially regarding children?
_____ 20. Do you feel treasured by your partner as you treasure him/her?
When you have completed this self-test, study your responses. Were you surprised by any of your answers? If your spouse or partner had completed this self-assessment tool, in what ways might his/her answers be similar? different? What can you infer from this self-assessment tool about the strengths in your relationship? the work areas in your relationship?
If you wish to have my help in working with the results of this survey, please remember that I offer a complimentary consultation. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to arrange it. And please keep in mind that I also offer relationship coaching and consultation.
At the risk of stating the obvious, no relationship is all good or all bad. Rather, successful relationships contain relative strengths and weaknesses. So as you answer these questions about your current relationship or do a postmortem on a prior one, keep in mind that most relationship attributes are neither all or nothing.
Please fill in the blank with numbers ranging from 1 to 5, with 1 being not very much and 5 being nearly always.
_____ 1. Is there reciprocity, give and take, in the relationship?
_____ 2. Do you work together to solve problems?
_____ 3. Do you enjoy being with each other?
_____ 4. Do you laugh and have fun together?
_____ 5. Do you each seek to understand your partner’s feelings?
_____ 6. Do you feel understood?
_____ 7.Do you respect each other’s opinions and perspectives, even when you disagree?
_____ 8. Do you want similar things out of life?
_____ 9. Are you both willing to compromise, rather than insisting on having your own way?
_____ 10.Do you feel safe expressing your feelings and needs?
_____ 11.Do you respect each other?
_____ 13.Do you look out for each other?
_____ 14.Do you trust each other?
_____ 15.Do you feel like your partner has your back?
_____ 16.Do you like your partner?
_____ 17.Is there a minimum of blame in your relationship?
_____ 18.Are your feelings and needs respected?
_____ 19.Do you and your partner operate as a functional united front, especially regarding children?
_____ 20. Do you feel treasured by your partner as you treasure him/her?
When you have completed this self-test, study your responses. Were you surprised by any of your answers? If your spouse or partner had completed this self-assessment tool, in what ways might his/her answers be similar? different? What can you infer from this self-assessment tool about the strengths in your relationship? the work areas in your relationship?
If you wish to have my help in working with the results of this survey, please remember that I offer a complimentary consultation. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to arrange it. And please keep in mind that I also offer relationship coaching and consultation.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
What Makes People Resilient?
I am blessed to have two friends who have severe cases of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Of course, neither of them would go so far as to consider their steadily deteriorating health a blessing. But they each have managed to maintain their optimism, good humor and grace in the face of this horribly daunting illness. Both live the bulk of their lives in wheel chairs. Each is losing his eyesight, with one already having been declared legally blind. Yet they still face each day with a gusto that I wonder if I would have if I were in their situation.
What makes people resilient? Is it innate? Or is it cultivated? That’s the age-old nature vs. nurture question. I think the answer is “Yes. It’s both.”
I consider myself to be very resilient. In part, because of my native intelligence. I’m no genius, but I have devoted my adult life to doing the best I can with the “horsepower” I have been given and to help others do the same. And in part because my mother actively cultivated our resilience by her words and by her role model. After Daddy died, Mama was a widow at 48, left on her own to raise the last four of us kids. I never once doubted she would take care of us. And she managed. Both her counsel and her example advised us to “Make the best of it” regardless of situations we faced, whether it was getting a C on an Algebra test or a boyfriend breaking up with us.
What has made my friends with MS so adaptive and unflappable? First, I need to say that clearly, they both have their bad days, just like the rest of us do. But they have learned how to think of and care for others, not merely dwelling on their own miseries. I am humbled to say that I regularly am the beneficiary of their kindness and good humor. They both consciously avoid having a “poor me” attitude. Although each confides in me, it is to get my help and perspective, rather than out of a “pity party.” They are good, helpful, pleasant friends whom I am blessed to have in my life.
How can adults instill resilience in children? Perhaps the most important way is to put their children in situations that are mildly taxing. For example, it is challenging enough to learn to play the piano. I started taking lessons at age seven and continued for ten years even into college. Having to play the piano at a recital was taxing. But it was do-able. I just had to get a grip and do it. Another way is not accepting slap dash efforts children make. When I taught English in high school, I had a student who had just completed a year’s inpatient hospitalization for depression. On the first day of school, I assigned a short paper to be handed in the next day. This student approached me after class to tell me she had not completed her assignment because she had been psychiatrically hospitalized the year before. My response was one she said later she’ll never forget. “So? What does that have to do with your not handing in your assignment?” You can be sure she was not late with an assignment for the rest of the year.
What adults should not do if their intention is to build resilience in children is to not praise each and every little thing a child does with the ubiquitous, “Good job!” For example, my husband and I went to a conservatory last spring so he could engage in his favorite hobby of photographing flowers. On a trip to the rest room, I noticed a mother supervising her 4 or 5 year-old daughter’s hand washing. When the child on tiptoes turned off the water, the mother pronounced, “Good job!” I wondered to myself a) What was such a good job about doing a routine activity like washing her hands after using the bathroom? and B) What would the mother have left to say when the child brought home an A on a report for Social Studies or English? “Good job” by that time would surely seem to the child to be lame.
If everything children do yields a gratuitous “Good job!” they learn two things: 1) to be praise junkies dependent on gratuitous words of others in order to function; and 2) to expect praise from others, rather than establishing their own internal gauge for a job well done.
What makes people resilient? Is it innate? Or is it cultivated? That’s the age-old nature vs. nurture question. I think the answer is “Yes. It’s both.”
I consider myself to be very resilient. In part, because of my native intelligence. I’m no genius, but I have devoted my adult life to doing the best I can with the “horsepower” I have been given and to help others do the same. And in part because my mother actively cultivated our resilience by her words and by her role model. After Daddy died, Mama was a widow at 48, left on her own to raise the last four of us kids. I never once doubted she would take care of us. And she managed. Both her counsel and her example advised us to “Make the best of it” regardless of situations we faced, whether it was getting a C on an Algebra test or a boyfriend breaking up with us.
What has made my friends with MS so adaptive and unflappable? First, I need to say that clearly, they both have their bad days, just like the rest of us do. But they have learned how to think of and care for others, not merely dwelling on their own miseries. I am humbled to say that I regularly am the beneficiary of their kindness and good humor. They both consciously avoid having a “poor me” attitude. Although each confides in me, it is to get my help and perspective, rather than out of a “pity party.” They are good, helpful, pleasant friends whom I am blessed to have in my life.
How can adults instill resilience in children? Perhaps the most important way is to put their children in situations that are mildly taxing. For example, it is challenging enough to learn to play the piano. I started taking lessons at age seven and continued for ten years even into college. Having to play the piano at a recital was taxing. But it was do-able. I just had to get a grip and do it. Another way is not accepting slap dash efforts children make. When I taught English in high school, I had a student who had just completed a year’s inpatient hospitalization for depression. On the first day of school, I assigned a short paper to be handed in the next day. This student approached me after class to tell me she had not completed her assignment because she had been psychiatrically hospitalized the year before. My response was one she said later she’ll never forget. “So? What does that have to do with your not handing in your assignment?” You can be sure she was not late with an assignment for the rest of the year.
What adults should not do if their intention is to build resilience in children is to not praise each and every little thing a child does with the ubiquitous, “Good job!” For example, my husband and I went to a conservatory last spring so he could engage in his favorite hobby of photographing flowers. On a trip to the rest room, I noticed a mother supervising her 4 or 5 year-old daughter’s hand washing. When the child on tiptoes turned off the water, the mother pronounced, “Good job!” I wondered to myself a) What was such a good job about doing a routine activity like washing her hands after using the bathroom? and B) What would the mother have left to say when the child brought home an A on a report for Social Studies or English? “Good job” by that time would surely seem to the child to be lame.
If everything children do yields a gratuitous “Good job!” they learn two things: 1) to be praise junkies dependent on gratuitous words of others in order to function; and 2) to expect praise from others, rather than establishing their own internal gauge for a job well done.
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