Recently, I received a reporter’s query asking for my thoughts about Couples and Secrets. Ironically, I had just finished taping a segment for "Relationships 101" on the impact of family secrets on individuals who remain in the dark about very important parts of a family member’s – and therefore, their own – history. I thought I’d share the reporter’s questions and my answers. Perhaps they will provide some guidelines for managing secrets in your intimate relationships.
Is it okay for couples to keep secrets?
It depends on the nature of the secret. The only instance I can think of where keeping a secret is acceptable is when disclosure of it would only hurt a partner. For example, sharing how many lovers you’ve had previously and how good the sex was is in this category. Divulging such information could unnecessarily bruise your new partner. This is especially so if the partner has self-esteem issues.
What secrets should be shared?
It is essential to disclose family secrets or salient information about your past. To not share such information, only to have it discovered later, will feel like a bait and switch. This could cause your partner to question your veracity about everything. For example, a parent or grandparent’s mental illness, having terminated a pregnancy, and having filed for bankruptcy are pieces of information that must carefully be shared.
When do you open up and share? Before or after marriage?
Of course, it is always a risk to divulge any highly vulnerable material. And it should be shared before a couple marry. This allows both partners to decide whether or not they still want to be in the relationship in light of this disclosure. Just as the partner on the receiving end of the information gets to decide, the person sharing also has decisions to make based on the partner’s reaction. If, for example, an individual shares her decision to terminate a pregnancy and her partner flies into a rage and begins preaching hellfire and brimstone, that person won’t feel very safe for disclosing other sensitive information. Then this could severely compromise the relationship.
Do you wait to share a secret until you know you’re in a committed relationship?
Disclosing delicate information like a personal or family secret can become an avenue to strengthen the bond of already committed partners or facilitate their making a commitment.
If you are uncertain about how to manage a personal or family secret, feel free to call my office (888-546-1580) for a free consultation. I can help you decide how to proceed in everyone’s best interests.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Are You Emotionally Divorced?
It is a common misconception that people are divorced the moment the judge signs the legal documents. Not so. While they may be legally divorced, now comes the hard part. Being legally divorced is only relevant from a logistical standpoint. Yes, there is important paperwork that needs to be done. The Social Security Administration and credit card companies need to be notified. One or both spouses need to move out. Time sharing guidelines for any children of the marriage need to be negotiated. Extended family members need to be told. There are myriad ways that each of you needs to begin to create a life apart from the other. But all of this doesn’t necessarily mean you will be divorced in the most important way: emotionally. Being emotionally divorced is a process that occurs over time.
How can you tell if you are emotionally divorced?
• You no longer cry at the drop of a hat about your lost spouse, marriage, in-laws, or time with your children.
• You are no longer angry about what happened – or didn’t.
• You feel neutral about your spouse. The attachment to him/her as a spouse has dissipated, even if you still are friendly and cordial.
• If you have children, you are committed to and able to cooperatively co-parent with your ex-spouse.
• If you have residual anger, hurt, or sadness, you are able to set that aside in favor of cooperatively co-parenting with your spouse.
• You can talk with or about your spouse without blaming him/her or yourself for the end of the marriage.
• You have accepted responsibility for your part in the marital dysfunction and divorce.
• You have developed a live-and-let-live attitude toward your former spouse.
• You have released any residual resentment or longing to be reunited.
In short, when you have accepted and grieved the end of the marriage. Only then are you genuinely ready to move on.
Do these sound too hard to attain? Do these markets seem Pollyanna or pie in the sky? Then keep working on it. They are worthy goals toward which to strive.
Those who share children with a former spouse and who are forced to interact with him/her can expect to have a more difficult time with post-divorce recovery than childless couples. In the later case, you can walk away and never have to interact with him/her again. People in either situation who remain angry, vengeful, and blaming are stuck emotionally. Resentments that burn like red hot coals pose a grave risk to your psychological life going forward. You will gain nothing but loneliness and bitterness.
It is a common misconception that love and hate are opposites. On the contrary. They are merely heads and tails of the same coin. Love and indifference are opposites. Lack of any particular feeling one way or the other about a former spouse, except respect for him/her as a human being, is the goal toward which to strive. Then you will be emotionally and legally divorced.
How can you tell if you are emotionally divorced?
• You no longer cry at the drop of a hat about your lost spouse, marriage, in-laws, or time with your children.
• You are no longer angry about what happened – or didn’t.
• You feel neutral about your spouse. The attachment to him/her as a spouse has dissipated, even if you still are friendly and cordial.
• If you have children, you are committed to and able to cooperatively co-parent with your ex-spouse.
• If you have residual anger, hurt, or sadness, you are able to set that aside in favor of cooperatively co-parenting with your spouse.
• You can talk with or about your spouse without blaming him/her or yourself for the end of the marriage.
• You have accepted responsibility for your part in the marital dysfunction and divorce.
• You have developed a live-and-let-live attitude toward your former spouse.
• You have released any residual resentment or longing to be reunited.
In short, when you have accepted and grieved the end of the marriage. Only then are you genuinely ready to move on.
Do these sound too hard to attain? Do these markets seem Pollyanna or pie in the sky? Then keep working on it. They are worthy goals toward which to strive.
Those who share children with a former spouse and who are forced to interact with him/her can expect to have a more difficult time with post-divorce recovery than childless couples. In the later case, you can walk away and never have to interact with him/her again. People in either situation who remain angry, vengeful, and blaming are stuck emotionally. Resentments that burn like red hot coals pose a grave risk to your psychological life going forward. You will gain nothing but loneliness and bitterness.
It is a common misconception that love and hate are opposites. On the contrary. They are merely heads and tails of the same coin. Love and indifference are opposites. Lack of any particular feeling one way or the other about a former spouse, except respect for him/her as a human being, is the goal toward which to strive. Then you will be emotionally and legally divorced.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Unhappy Marriages Cost Businesses $6.8 Billion a Year
All businesses are concerned with boosting productivity and reducing health care costs and employee turnover. This combination has become even more crucial in today’s competitive and challenging economy. Often missed, however, is the significant economic cost businesses actually bear for carrying employees on the payroll who are unhappily married or undergoing divorce.
Whether corporate America notices it or not, employees in failing relationships are costing it about $6.8 billion a year. Employees with relationship woes are frequently absent or sick, present at their desks in body but not spirit, or just too stressed out to do their jobs properly. Stress-related problems cost corporate America $300 billion a year.
What is more, couples who aren’t getting along are more likely to be troubled by domestic violence in an attempt to “solve” their conflict, which costs corporate America $7.9 million in lost work days each year. In addition, employees in such relationships are more prone to substance abuse problems, anxiety and depression that, in turn, lead to higher health care costs.
As bad as failing marriages are for corporate America, the financial fallout for divorce is no better. A 2006 research study found that the projected cost to a company of an employee making $20 an hour who gets divorced is more than $8,000. In fact, recently divorced employees spend eight percent of their work days away from work because of relationship-related issues. That is the equivalent of being absent from work an entire month!
Even more telling, researchers have found that it can take as many as five years for employee productivity to return to what it was before an employee got divorced.
So far I have examined what happens to employees in troubled relationships who stay on the job. But what happens if the stress of a bad marriage or difficult divorce leads an employee to quit? The financial impact of this situation varies depending on whether the employee occupied a blue collar position or managerial post. A company forced to replace a blue collar worker will spend 150 percent of his/her total benefit package to do so. Meanwhile, the true cost of replacing a manager is 250 percent of his/her total benefit package.
As a marriage and family therapist and relationship consultant, I am offering these figures not just to illuminate a little-known problem, but also to suggest a solution. I believe it is imperative that all executives concerned with the welfare of their employees realize that the health of employees’ marriages is directly correlated with the health of their business’s bottom lines. Companies can not afford to turn a blind eye to or ignore the marital problems of their employees. Instead they must look for creative ways to help their employees improve their relationships. This will be a win-win situation for everyone. The employees and their spouses can enjoy the benefits of a strong union. And their employers stand to gain stable and happier employees who are more able to make a strong contribution to the day to day operations of the companies for which they work. Of course, then employees and their families are spared the high emotional cost of marital turmoil and divorce as well.
Whether corporate America notices it or not, employees in failing relationships are costing it about $6.8 billion a year. Employees with relationship woes are frequently absent or sick, present at their desks in body but not spirit, or just too stressed out to do their jobs properly. Stress-related problems cost corporate America $300 billion a year.
What is more, couples who aren’t getting along are more likely to be troubled by domestic violence in an attempt to “solve” their conflict, which costs corporate America $7.9 million in lost work days each year. In addition, employees in such relationships are more prone to substance abuse problems, anxiety and depression that, in turn, lead to higher health care costs.
As bad as failing marriages are for corporate America, the financial fallout for divorce is no better. A 2006 research study found that the projected cost to a company of an employee making $20 an hour who gets divorced is more than $8,000. In fact, recently divorced employees spend eight percent of their work days away from work because of relationship-related issues. That is the equivalent of being absent from work an entire month!
Even more telling, researchers have found that it can take as many as five years for employee productivity to return to what it was before an employee got divorced.
So far I have examined what happens to employees in troubled relationships who stay on the job. But what happens if the stress of a bad marriage or difficult divorce leads an employee to quit? The financial impact of this situation varies depending on whether the employee occupied a blue collar position or managerial post. A company forced to replace a blue collar worker will spend 150 percent of his/her total benefit package to do so. Meanwhile, the true cost of replacing a manager is 250 percent of his/her total benefit package.
As a marriage and family therapist and relationship consultant, I am offering these figures not just to illuminate a little-known problem, but also to suggest a solution. I believe it is imperative that all executives concerned with the welfare of their employees realize that the health of employees’ marriages is directly correlated with the health of their business’s bottom lines. Companies can not afford to turn a blind eye to or ignore the marital problems of their employees. Instead they must look for creative ways to help their employees improve their relationships. This will be a win-win situation for everyone. The employees and their spouses can enjoy the benefits of a strong union. And their employers stand to gain stable and happier employees who are more able to make a strong contribution to the day to day operations of the companies for which they work. Of course, then employees and their families are spared the high emotional cost of marital turmoil and divorce as well.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Happily Married Employees Are Good for Business
Employers care about a lot of things that relate to their employees, who are, after all, their most valuable asset. But how many of them have discovered that happily married employees actually increase their business' profitability? Sadly, the answer is not very many. But that situation is changing because an increasingly growing body of research points out the many benefits that companies achieve when their employees are in stable relationships.
Among the many benefits you can expect are:
Happier and healthier employees. Happily married men, for example, are absent fewer days and stay in their jobs longer. People in good marriages tend to practice healthier lifestyles, so they avoid being out sick. That means they are less likely to tap expensive health care services.
Greater commitment. Happily married couples who both work outside the home have been found to have a stronger commitment to their employers. This is especially important given that the average employee will change jobs seven times in his lifetime.
Younger employees. It’s astonishing but true. A happily married male is the equivalent of 18 months younger than his biological age. Meanwhile, a happily married female is about six months younger than her chronological age. Younger, healthier employees not only use fewer health care services, but also they also bring more enthusiasm to work with them every day.
More productive workers. Researchers have shown that employees who have good relationship skills – like the ones needed to sustain a fulfilling marriage – are among the most productive, even when they are exposed to significant stress at work.
Workers who get better over time. Many things deteriorate over time, but not so with employees who come from long marriages. Their performance actually improves with each year they remain married.
Workers who sing your praises. Companies that support their employees’ emotional needs through sound corporate policies are prized by employees. They recognize that such a company is an excellent place to work. Not only are they reluctant to move on to greener pastures, but also they are also likely to spread the word to others about what a great place it is to work. Of course, having that reputation is priceless and will make attracting new employees a lot simpler.
One more thing. If these “intangible” benefits still don’t convince you that the health of your employees’ marriages is your business, then perhaps this next fact will make the difference. For every dollar a company spends on physical and relational wellness programs, the return on investment will be huge – and that’s not factoring in the increased happiness of the couples involved. One study involving nine companies ranging in size from 50 employees to 50,000 employees found that the return on investment was nearly 500 percent. Other studies place that figure even higher, at close to 700 percent.
I hope that reading this information leads you to explore this topic further and to learn what companies are doing to make strong marriages their priority.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Costs of Low Trust at Work and at Home
“Our distrust is very expensive.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Bestselling author, Stephen M.R. Covey, wrote a wonderful book called The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything. An M.B.A., business consultant, and CEO of FranklinCovey, Mr. Covey unapologetically talks about the importance of trust in a business context. He takes on the myths that trust is a soft topic and is too risky and potentially costly for businesses.
But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Among the multiple costs of low trust in business are speed and efficiency decrease, taking productivity in the same direction. Thereby, costs increase, as does corporate sabotage. Teamwork to produce high quality products is diminished and is replaced by covert cooperation to create a negative culture.
Yes, Covey acknowledges, there is a risk in trusting people. But clearly, there’s an even greater risk in not trusting. Covey refers to this as “the low trust tax.”
How do these concepts map over to personal relationships?
There are typical makers of low trust marriages, such as extramarital affairs, constant conflict, stonewalling and general lack of cooperation on matters that should be faced jointly. But there are more subtle indicators of low trust relationships as well.
In low trust marriages, people don’t disclose important information. While they may readily offer up the mundane parts of their day and of their existence, they withhold the important and real stuff: their hopes, dreams, fears and feelings.
Little wonder these people become bored with each other and with living like roommates, or detached siblings, or their children’s chauffeurs. Being lovers and confidants who have each other’s backs eludes them completely.
With each passing month, the alienation grows, taking on a life of its own until one or both spouses scream, “Uncle! I can’t take it anymore!”
Now their pain provides a prime opportunity for the couple. Yes, you read that correctly. An opportunity is created by admitting there is a problem, before it’s too late and the emotional cancer has metastasized too far, and the walls are too high and too thick, and the numbness has crept in so thoroughly that there is no longer any will to work to change. These are the more subtle, insidious aspects of a low-trust relationship that too often make those marriages a statistic.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
You don’t have to join the ranks of, as the nineteenth century American philosopher Henry David Thoreau wrote, “The mass of men [who] lead lives of quiet desperation.”
Each of us gets to choose.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Bestselling author, Stephen M.R. Covey, wrote a wonderful book called The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything. An M.B.A., business consultant, and CEO of FranklinCovey, Mr. Covey unapologetically talks about the importance of trust in a business context. He takes on the myths that trust is a soft topic and is too risky and potentially costly for businesses.
But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Among the multiple costs of low trust in business are speed and efficiency decrease, taking productivity in the same direction. Thereby, costs increase, as does corporate sabotage. Teamwork to produce high quality products is diminished and is replaced by covert cooperation to create a negative culture.
Yes, Covey acknowledges, there is a risk in trusting people. But clearly, there’s an even greater risk in not trusting. Covey refers to this as “the low trust tax.”
How do these concepts map over to personal relationships?
There are typical makers of low trust marriages, such as extramarital affairs, constant conflict, stonewalling and general lack of cooperation on matters that should be faced jointly. But there are more subtle indicators of low trust relationships as well.
In low trust marriages, people don’t disclose important information. While they may readily offer up the mundane parts of their day and of their existence, they withhold the important and real stuff: their hopes, dreams, fears and feelings.
Little wonder these people become bored with each other and with living like roommates, or detached siblings, or their children’s chauffeurs. Being lovers and confidants who have each other’s backs eludes them completely.
With each passing month, the alienation grows, taking on a life of its own until one or both spouses scream, “Uncle! I can’t take it anymore!”
Now their pain provides a prime opportunity for the couple. Yes, you read that correctly. An opportunity is created by admitting there is a problem, before it’s too late and the emotional cancer has metastasized too far, and the walls are too high and too thick, and the numbness has crept in so thoroughly that there is no longer any will to work to change. These are the more subtle, insidious aspects of a low-trust relationship that too often make those marriages a statistic.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
You don’t have to join the ranks of, as the nineteenth century American philosopher Henry David Thoreau wrote, “The mass of men [who] lead lives of quiet desperation.”
Each of us gets to choose.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
7 Deadly Sins Against Relationships
I have devoted my professional life for over three decades to helping people improve the quality of their relationships and their lives. Recently, I have begun thinking about how to summarize the best and the worst things people do in relationships.
In my most recent book, Marriage Isn’t for Sissies: 7 Simple Keys to Unlocking the Best Part of Your Life, I list and discuss the 7 most essential skills people need to possess in order to have a satisfying and healthy relationship.
Those 7 Keys are:
1. Deepening Trust Affair-Proofs Marriages
2. Taking Time for the Daily Magic Ten Minutes
3. Setting Good Boundaries Keeps Everyone Safe
4. Sharing Feelings Enhances Intimacy
5. Fighting Fairly Solves Problems and Builds Intimacy
6. Healing Past Hurts
7. Cultivating a Nurturing, Close Sexual Relationship
Here are the 7 Deadly Sins Against Relationships.
1. Emotional Reactivity. When individuals are unable or unwilling to respond to each other and to the world in a calm, reasonable manner, situations easily degenerate into explosiveness and misinterpretation of each other’s words and intentions. This typically occurs when people grow up in a family where individuals are poorly differentiated. These couples have difficulty getting genuinely close because emotions are weapons that are used to create distance. Therefore, feelings drive a wedge between them.
2. Being controlling. There is a vast difference between being controlling and being in control of yourself. Controlling people have a high need for structure and order as they define it. They leave little or no room for others’ needs and opinions. They often overtly are tyrants. But they also can be the more subtle – and more infuriating – kind of controller who gets his/her way by passive aggression and manipulation. By contrast, people who are in control take responsibility for themselves, their emotions, and their lives.
3. Blaming and Shaming. People who use this strategy to get their way generally seek power over their spouse, partner, or children. It is a defensive strategy so they can remain “safe” by being holier than thou. What they don’t realize is how they give away their power to improve situations in the process. It is only in taking responsibility for ourselves and for our actions that we claim the full measure of control of our lives.
4. Jealousy. People who are jealous to a fault are either highly insecure, extremely controlling, terrified of being abandoned, or all of the above. Jealousy is different from envy, which is a normal human emotion. Jealousy carries emotional freight. and is not endearing. In fact, it backfires, often serving the unconscious function of creating psychological and emotional distance in a relationship. It is a significant barrier to intimacy.
5. Negativity. The renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, found that for every 1 negative comment couples make to each other, there should be 5 positive comments to counteract the impact of the criticism. Yet some couples seem to subsist on a steady diet of negativity, sometimes disguising their intent saying they are being honest with each other. They may be honest, all right. But it is not an intimacy-generating sort of honesty. Furthermore, viewing the world through a lens of scarcity and negativity, perhaps more than anything, is contagious. It eventually infects
both parties with despair and hopelessness.
6. Unfair Fighting. There are three main earmarks of unfair fighting. They all involve defensiveness. First is "hitting below the belt,” that is, using previously shared information as a weapon against the other person. This can be extremely brutal if it is flung at your partner in the midst of a fight. Second, attempting to control conversations and the other person so no vulnerability is required. Third, self-righteously blaming the other person for all problems in the relationship. A close cousin to this Deadly Sin is accusing.
7. Stonewalling. This is one of the most detrimental sins in a relationship. When partners stop openly communicating and become stone walls to each other, all overt communication stops. It is replaced by anger, conflict, and isolation that smolder inside each person. As partners add stones to their wall, they become more and more alienated from each other until the cracks in their relationship eventually become unrepairable. Then an emotional – if not an actual – divorce ensues.
If you have any questions about these 7 Deadly Sins – or
anything else – feel free to call my toll-free number
(888-546-1580) for a free 20-minute consultation.
JX692V65KA6M
In my most recent book, Marriage Isn’t for Sissies: 7 Simple Keys to Unlocking the Best Part of Your Life, I list and discuss the 7 most essential skills people need to possess in order to have a satisfying and healthy relationship.
Those 7 Keys are:
1. Deepening Trust Affair-Proofs Marriages
2. Taking Time for the Daily Magic Ten Minutes
3. Setting Good Boundaries Keeps Everyone Safe
4. Sharing Feelings Enhances Intimacy
5. Fighting Fairly Solves Problems and Builds Intimacy
6. Healing Past Hurts
7. Cultivating a Nurturing, Close Sexual Relationship
Here are the 7 Deadly Sins Against Relationships.
1. Emotional Reactivity. When individuals are unable or unwilling to respond to each other and to the world in a calm, reasonable manner, situations easily degenerate into explosiveness and misinterpretation of each other’s words and intentions. This typically occurs when people grow up in a family where individuals are poorly differentiated. These couples have difficulty getting genuinely close because emotions are weapons that are used to create distance. Therefore, feelings drive a wedge between them.
2. Being controlling. There is a vast difference between being controlling and being in control of yourself. Controlling people have a high need for structure and order as they define it. They leave little or no room for others’ needs and opinions. They often overtly are tyrants. But they also can be the more subtle – and more infuriating – kind of controller who gets his/her way by passive aggression and manipulation. By contrast, people who are in control take responsibility for themselves, their emotions, and their lives.
3. Blaming and Shaming. People who use this strategy to get their way generally seek power over their spouse, partner, or children. It is a defensive strategy so they can remain “safe” by being holier than thou. What they don’t realize is how they give away their power to improve situations in the process. It is only in taking responsibility for ourselves and for our actions that we claim the full measure of control of our lives.
4. Jealousy. People who are jealous to a fault are either highly insecure, extremely controlling, terrified of being abandoned, or all of the above. Jealousy is different from envy, which is a normal human emotion. Jealousy carries emotional freight. and is not endearing. In fact, it backfires, often serving the unconscious function of creating psychological and emotional distance in a relationship. It is a significant barrier to intimacy.
5. Negativity. The renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, found that for every 1 negative comment couples make to each other, there should be 5 positive comments to counteract the impact of the criticism. Yet some couples seem to subsist on a steady diet of negativity, sometimes disguising their intent saying they are being honest with each other. They may be honest, all right. But it is not an intimacy-generating sort of honesty. Furthermore, viewing the world through a lens of scarcity and negativity, perhaps more than anything, is contagious. It eventually infects
both parties with despair and hopelessness.
6. Unfair Fighting. There are three main earmarks of unfair fighting. They all involve defensiveness. First is "hitting below the belt,” that is, using previously shared information as a weapon against the other person. This can be extremely brutal if it is flung at your partner in the midst of a fight. Second, attempting to control conversations and the other person so no vulnerability is required. Third, self-righteously blaming the other person for all problems in the relationship. A close cousin to this Deadly Sin is accusing.
7. Stonewalling. This is one of the most detrimental sins in a relationship. When partners stop openly communicating and become stone walls to each other, all overt communication stops. It is replaced by anger, conflict, and isolation that smolder inside each person. As partners add stones to their wall, they become more and more alienated from each other until the cracks in their relationship eventually become unrepairable. Then an emotional – if not an actual – divorce ensues.
If you have any questions about these 7 Deadly Sins – or
anything else – feel free to call my toll-free number
(888-546-1580) for a free 20-minute consultation.
JX692V65KA6M
Friday, November 6, 2009
Murder in the Military
What on earth happened at Fort Hood, TX, yesterday?
As inscrutable as the actions of the shooter Major Nadal Malik Hasan seem, there are some possible explanations. Although there may have been other contributing factors, two stand out in my mind.
When I practiced marriage and family therapy in a northern suburb of Chicago, my office was near Great Lakes Naval Training Station and Fort Sheridan, an Army post that has since been closed. This was within 7 years after the U.S. left Viet Nam. Some soldiers were still haunted. Some veterans became my patients because I saw them with their spouses. They had been referred by a psychiatrist who said they needed “talk therapy.”
It is not commonly understood that relatively few psychiatrists do psychotherapy with patients. Instead, they are taught to diagnose patients’ conditions and administer medications to treat the symptoms in somewhat of an assembly line fashion. Which explains why most outpatient psychiatric appointments are 15 minutes or less.
I can only imagine psychiatrists’ frustration. Most of us in the helping professions go into the field because of a wish to help. However, if, in their training, they are not given a range of tools beyond their prescription pad, it is easy to imagine they could become overwhelmed by the daunting task of treating vets with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
All of us who work with traumatized patients from whatever source, whether it’s childhood sexual abuse, an early and lengthy hospitalization, a sudden death in the family, victims of torture, a death from a disease that seemed to drag on and on, rape and the like know that witnessing their agony can take a toll on us.
For example, one patient I treated had been a medic in the Viet Nam War during the Tet Offensive, one of the bloodiest conflicts of the war. Imagine the horror he had seen. And the helplessness he must have felt when he could not save his fellow soldiers who died before his eyes. To intensify his impotence, he had spent his first year stuck in a crib in an orphanage where only his basic needs of food and clean diapers were attended to. I shudder to imagine the helplessness and isolation that baby experienced. As research on infants in Israeli kibbutzim found, a large number of the children died if they were only fed and diapered by multiple caregivers and not cared for by their parents. This, of course, caused them to change their child care arrangements.
For me to still remember that patient almost decades later means he clearly made an impression on me. And no doubt, the cumulative effect of his story and countless others subjected me to Compassion Fatigue or Secondary Stress Disorder. Fortunately, I have not been undone by what I have seen and heard.
But Major Hasan apparently was not so fortunate. As a psychiatrist, he worked with vets going to Iraq and Afghanistan and those returning and was about to deploy himself. No doubt, he had been bombarded with soldiers’ stories, worries, fears, nightmares, flashbacks and suicidal thoughts and actions. So much so, that I surmise he chose “death by cop,” attempting suicide by putting himself in harm’s way stateside where he had control, rather than have to experience what he inevitably would work with there. And he almost succeeded.
In fact, he did not die. He lies in the hospital on a ventilator today.
The other factor that must have contributed to his “losing it” was loneliness. Paradoxically, the life of a mental health practitioner can be a lonely one if you are single. “How could that be? You’re with people all day every work day.” We are. But if we are good at what we do and responsible enough not to meet our own needs through our patients, it can be lonely indeed taking care of everyone else.
To intensify the loneliness, Dr. Hasan was single and had no children. No one was at home to help him debrief, or hug him, or distract him, or just be with him. Having been in the military since high school, I suspect that the Army had become the family he didn’t have.
Let me be clear. I do not condone or excuse Dr. Hasan’s actions. Forty-three people are paying the price for his cracking under pressure. However, being able to understand and explain something is not the same as excusing it.
As President Obama said yesterday in a briefing after the Fort Hood massacre, it is indeed “ … horrifying that these soldiers were hurt by their own people.” Then on CNN this morning, there was news of 8 people being killed in a high rise in Orlando, Florida.
What kind of country are we becoming that murder-suicide seems to be the way for lonely, lost people to grab their 15 minutes of fame at the expense of other people? And that violence seems to becoming the norm for “solving” issues?
Please comment after reading this post. Let’s talk.
As inscrutable as the actions of the shooter Major Nadal Malik Hasan seem, there are some possible explanations. Although there may have been other contributing factors, two stand out in my mind.
When I practiced marriage and family therapy in a northern suburb of Chicago, my office was near Great Lakes Naval Training Station and Fort Sheridan, an Army post that has since been closed. This was within 7 years after the U.S. left Viet Nam. Some soldiers were still haunted. Some veterans became my patients because I saw them with their spouses. They had been referred by a psychiatrist who said they needed “talk therapy.”
It is not commonly understood that relatively few psychiatrists do psychotherapy with patients. Instead, they are taught to diagnose patients’ conditions and administer medications to treat the symptoms in somewhat of an assembly line fashion. Which explains why most outpatient psychiatric appointments are 15 minutes or less.
I can only imagine psychiatrists’ frustration. Most of us in the helping professions go into the field because of a wish to help. However, if, in their training, they are not given a range of tools beyond their prescription pad, it is easy to imagine they could become overwhelmed by the daunting task of treating vets with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
All of us who work with traumatized patients from whatever source, whether it’s childhood sexual abuse, an early and lengthy hospitalization, a sudden death in the family, victims of torture, a death from a disease that seemed to drag on and on, rape and the like know that witnessing their agony can take a toll on us.
For example, one patient I treated had been a medic in the Viet Nam War during the Tet Offensive, one of the bloodiest conflicts of the war. Imagine the horror he had seen. And the helplessness he must have felt when he could not save his fellow soldiers who died before his eyes. To intensify his impotence, he had spent his first year stuck in a crib in an orphanage where only his basic needs of food and clean diapers were attended to. I shudder to imagine the helplessness and isolation that baby experienced. As research on infants in Israeli kibbutzim found, a large number of the children died if they were only fed and diapered by multiple caregivers and not cared for by their parents. This, of course, caused them to change their child care arrangements.
For me to still remember that patient almost decades later means he clearly made an impression on me. And no doubt, the cumulative effect of his story and countless others subjected me to Compassion Fatigue or Secondary Stress Disorder. Fortunately, I have not been undone by what I have seen and heard.
But Major Hasan apparently was not so fortunate. As a psychiatrist, he worked with vets going to Iraq and Afghanistan and those returning and was about to deploy himself. No doubt, he had been bombarded with soldiers’ stories, worries, fears, nightmares, flashbacks and suicidal thoughts and actions. So much so, that I surmise he chose “death by cop,” attempting suicide by putting himself in harm’s way stateside where he had control, rather than have to experience what he inevitably would work with there. And he almost succeeded.
In fact, he did not die. He lies in the hospital on a ventilator today.
The other factor that must have contributed to his “losing it” was loneliness. Paradoxically, the life of a mental health practitioner can be a lonely one if you are single. “How could that be? You’re with people all day every work day.” We are. But if we are good at what we do and responsible enough not to meet our own needs through our patients, it can be lonely indeed taking care of everyone else.
To intensify the loneliness, Dr. Hasan was single and had no children. No one was at home to help him debrief, or hug him, or distract him, or just be with him. Having been in the military since high school, I suspect that the Army had become the family he didn’t have.
Let me be clear. I do not condone or excuse Dr. Hasan’s actions. Forty-three people are paying the price for his cracking under pressure. However, being able to understand and explain something is not the same as excusing it.
As President Obama said yesterday in a briefing after the Fort Hood massacre, it is indeed “ … horrifying that these soldiers were hurt by their own people.” Then on CNN this morning, there was news of 8 people being killed in a high rise in Orlando, Florida.
What kind of country are we becoming that murder-suicide seems to be the way for lonely, lost people to grab their 15 minutes of fame at the expense of other people? And that violence seems to becoming the norm for “solving” issues?
Please comment after reading this post. Let’s talk.
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