Today I am instituting a new feature on my blog called Dr. Beth's Book Nook. Because I get so many wonderful books from potential guests who want to come on my radio show, I have access to some great titles. And that is how I found Chris Tatevosian’s book LIFE INTERRUPTED – IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.
In his memoir, Chris shares what he has learned through his own personal mistakes in being self-absorbed with his own illness. And this, more than anything, destroyed his first marriage.
Chris has had Multiple Sclerosis for thirty years. As a consequence of this dreadful, degenerative disease, he lives his life in a wheel chair and is legally blind. And yet, he remains undaunted.
Through my decades of being a therapist, I can understand the stresses that a chronic physical disability can cause in any relationship, especially when a spouse or loved one becomes a care giver by default. It often isn't practical or affordable to hire care givers. And so the needs required to care for someone with a physical disability often fall on the spouse. It is easier to see the difficulties of the person with the disability, so we may fail to see the stress that this causes on the care giving spouse.
Chris's book openly and honestly discusses these issues and shares many personal examples to support his ideas in the book. It is well-written and worth reading. Even if you are thinking, "This doesn't apply to me," unfortunately any one of us can find ourselves in Chris's situation. In a single second, an accident can place you in a wheel chair, incapacitated for the rest of your life. It even happened to Superman, a.k.a. Christopher Reeve.
You can obtain this book directly from Chris's website at: www.lifeinterrupted-nolonger.com. It truly is a profile in courage.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Live Conversation with Dr. Beth
People have asked me if there was any way to ask follow up questions after listening to my Relationships 101 conversations on webtalkradio.net.
Because you decide when to listen and there is not a specific day and time I was reluctant to try to have a live call in portion with my show.
Because of you, the listener's interest, I am goingto try this on a test basis I have created a venue where you can call and engage with me live to address issues and answer questions you may have about life, relationships, family, grief theoretical concepts or other emotional concerns.
I invite you to join me for a follow-up to these conversations this Thursday evening October 28, 2020, at 8:00 Eastern 7:00 Central 6:00 Mountain 5:00 Pacific called “Live with Dr. Beth.”
If you would like to attend, please send an e-mail to me at drbetherickson@aol.com.
Put “Talk to Dr. Beth” in the subject line, and we’ll send you the call-in information.
If you would like me to specifically talk with you about a specific issue send me the question in your response email. When I know you are on the call as soon as a natural break occurs I will start discussing with you the issue you provided to me.
I truly hope you can join me. Hope to see you there.
Please feel free to invite others to join these conversations. It is not necessary to be on my mailing list to call in. If you know of a family member or friend who is up against some issue please do invite them to call in.
Just forward a copy of this email to them. I will not have a specific topic but will engage with callers to address their issue regardless of where that takes the conversation.
Dedicated to your health and happiness.
Dr. Beth
Because you decide when to listen and there is not a specific day and time I was reluctant to try to have a live call in portion with my show.
Because of you, the listener's interest, I am goingto try this on a test basis I have created a venue where you can call and engage with me live to address issues and answer questions you may have about life, relationships, family, grief theoretical concepts or other emotional concerns.
I invite you to join me for a follow-up to these conversations this Thursday evening October 28, 2020, at 8:00 Eastern 7:00 Central 6:00 Mountain 5:00 Pacific called “Live with Dr. Beth.”
If you would like to attend, please send an e-mail to me at drbetherickson@aol.com.
Put “Talk to Dr. Beth” in the subject line, and we’ll send you the call-in information.
If you would like me to specifically talk with you about a specific issue send me the question in your response email. When I know you are on the call as soon as a natural break occurs I will start discussing with you the issue you provided to me.
I truly hope you can join me. Hope to see you there.
Please feel free to invite others to join these conversations. It is not necessary to be on my mailing list to call in. If you know of a family member or friend who is up against some issue please do invite them to call in.
Just forward a copy of this email to them. I will not have a specific topic but will engage with callers to address their issue regardless of where that takes the conversation.
Dedicated to your health and happiness.
Dr. Beth
What Are Your Biggest Regrets?
Next month, I will be doing an interview on “Relationships 101” on the topic of regrets. A surprisingly large number of people – 30, to be exact - responded to a query I recently posted asking people what are their regrets. That floored me. In fact, I almost didn’t post that query, thinking I’d probably get only a handful of people responding. Instead, I got a large outpouring of people’s heartfelt answers. It almost felt to me as if I were reading people’s confessions.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. We all have regrets of one kind or another. Maybe we still remember the time we didn’t help someone when we could have. Or when we were curt with a Customer Service representative. Or maybe when we betrayed ourselves by not pursuing our own dreams in the service of someone else’s vision of what our life should be like.
What follows is a list of some of those regrets. See if you recognize yourself in any of them.
• Being banished from the family because of the mistakes I’ve made in my life.
• Letting my Mother’s ideas for me stand in my way.
• Not pursuing my dream of being a drummer in a rock ‘n’ roll band.
• Marrying the wrong person and staying too long.
• Trusting the wrong person who then betrayed my trust.
• Being overly concerned about what others thought of me.
• Doing drugs.
• Neglecting my children until it was too late.
• Not sticking with my goals, dreams, and passions.
• Letting fear rule my life.
• Not going far enough with my education.
• Surviving a life-threatening illness and then spending the next 25 years believing I didn’t deserve to survive.
• Being jealous of my little sister and coming to grips with that too late to make amends.
• Trying to handle my son’s drug addiction on my own.
• Not doing all I could to help workers at Ground Zero after 9/11, which is my biggest personal failing.
• Not being more attentive to a parent before s/he died.
• Not believing in myself.
• Doing too much too young and failing in the process.
• Switching my kids from Catholic schools to public schools.
The task for each of them now is to find a way to understand and to forgive themselves and others who they believe wronged them.
And that’s the hard part.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. We all have regrets of one kind or another. Maybe we still remember the time we didn’t help someone when we could have. Or when we were curt with a Customer Service representative. Or maybe when we betrayed ourselves by not pursuing our own dreams in the service of someone else’s vision of what our life should be like.
What follows is a list of some of those regrets. See if you recognize yourself in any of them.
• Being banished from the family because of the mistakes I’ve made in my life.
• Letting my Mother’s ideas for me stand in my way.
• Not pursuing my dream of being a drummer in a rock ‘n’ roll band.
• Marrying the wrong person and staying too long.
• Trusting the wrong person who then betrayed my trust.
• Being overly concerned about what others thought of me.
• Doing drugs.
• Neglecting my children until it was too late.
• Not sticking with my goals, dreams, and passions.
• Letting fear rule my life.
• Not going far enough with my education.
• Surviving a life-threatening illness and then spending the next 25 years believing I didn’t deserve to survive.
• Being jealous of my little sister and coming to grips with that too late to make amends.
• Trying to handle my son’s drug addiction on my own.
• Not doing all I could to help workers at Ground Zero after 9/11, which is my biggest personal failing.
• Not being more attentive to a parent before s/he died.
• Not believing in myself.
• Doing too much too young and failing in the process.
• Switching my kids from Catholic schools to public schools.
The task for each of them now is to find a way to understand and to forgive themselves and others who they believe wronged them.
And that’s the hard part.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Hey Control Freak!! - Want to Stop??
People often ask me, “How can I stop being such a ‘control freak?’”
The first step is to recognize that you are being one. Often, others tend to shy away from those who are being controlling. But those who are controlling don’t often get the message. It is much too subtle for them to discern.
After all, no dialogue is possible with those who insist that “It’s my way or the highway.” Neither is collaboration and mutuality.
Here are some tips and sure signs that you are being controlling.
You know you’re controlling if:
Ten Tip Offs
• You must dominate conversations to avoid feeling invisible
• You enjoy bullying people with your anger
• You have to be “right”
• You constantly feel “swamped”
• You resist learning how to delegate
• You seldom take vacations, and you’re proud of that fact
• You insist on being the center of attention, and if you’re not, you feel deflated and worthless
• You actually believe that no one else can do what you do
• You can’t trust other people to do their job or other tasks they have taken responsibility for, so you micro-manage
• People ask you lots of questions, because they are afraid of doing things “wrong” in your eyes
Once you can see yourself doing these practices you can then figure out what fuels them, it will make it a lot easier for you to stop. The basis most often is from your early childhood so think about what made you uncomfortable when you were young, that is always a good starting point for your development of a controlling personality.
Often people who are married to “control freaks” exhaust themselves trying not to lose themselves. Yes, the ultimate “control freak” controls by violence or threats of violence, intimidation, name calling, sarcasm and put downs. These, of course, wreak havoc on intimate relationships.
The first step is to recognize that you are being one. Often, others tend to shy away from those who are being controlling. But those who are controlling don’t often get the message. It is much too subtle for them to discern.
After all, no dialogue is possible with those who insist that “It’s my way or the highway.” Neither is collaboration and mutuality.
Here are some tips and sure signs that you are being controlling.
You know you’re controlling if:
Ten Tip Offs
• You must dominate conversations to avoid feeling invisible
• You enjoy bullying people with your anger
• You have to be “right”
• You constantly feel “swamped”
• You resist learning how to delegate
• You seldom take vacations, and you’re proud of that fact
• You insist on being the center of attention, and if you’re not, you feel deflated and worthless
• You actually believe that no one else can do what you do
• You can’t trust other people to do their job or other tasks they have taken responsibility for, so you micro-manage
• People ask you lots of questions, because they are afraid of doing things “wrong” in your eyes
Once you can see yourself doing these practices you can then figure out what fuels them, it will make it a lot easier for you to stop. The basis most often is from your early childhood so think about what made you uncomfortable when you were young, that is always a good starting point for your development of a controlling personality.
Often people who are married to “control freaks” exhaust themselves trying not to lose themselves. Yes, the ultimate “control freak” controls by violence or threats of violence, intimidation, name calling, sarcasm and put downs. These, of course, wreak havoc on intimate relationships.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Blending Thoughts and Feelings
“It’s not what happens to us in life.
It’s how we deal with what happens
that counts.”
Dr. Beth Erickson
We’ve all known them: people whose I.Q.s are in the stratosphere but who are dumb as posts. They have no common sense. They lack people skills and consciousness of those around them. A current example of this type of person is the outgoing CEO of British Petroleum, Tony Hayward. He displayed his Mr. Spock-ness when he whined to the national news media that he wants his life back, oblivious to those in the Gulf of Mexico who may never get their lives as they knew them back.
We’ve also known people who seem not to have a brain in their head. Their lives are driven by their emotions without the tempering provided by standing back and evaluating their options from a realistic perspective. Actor and current newsmaker, Lindsay Lohan, could be the poster child for this type of person when she acts out her adolescent temper tantrums.
As in anything, operating at either extreme is precarious.
My definition of a mentally healthy person is one who is able to think and feel at the same time. Yes, I know that doing this can be very difficult to do, especially when feelings run high such as in a heated argument with your spouse. But it can be done. And people are well-advised to learn to do just that.
Being able to blend the two allows people to use their feelings as a valuable data source that leads to sound decision making and eventually a satisfying future.
My guest this coming week on "Relationships 101" to discuss this topic with me is Suzanna Abbott, creator of a series of telesummit interviews called from Failure to Fearless. She interviewed a group of people, including yours truly, on their stories of going from failing to being fearless. It could be said that her panel of experts can use a blend of the two.
The abuse of parishioners by clergy is a hot topic today. But did you know that members of the clergy also are abused by parishioners?
Rev. Jackie O’Neal speaks with me on the topic of clergy killers. Not literal killings, but emotionally abusing them so that clergy are forced out of the ministry at the rate of 1 every 6 minutes in the U.S. A primary cause of this is parishioners whose problems with authority are acted out upon the religious leader who represents the Ultimate Authority.
Join me on Monday after noon 8/16 on www.webtalkradio.net or Tuesday 8/17 at 6:00 p.m. Eastern time on WWPR 1490AM in Sarasota, FL.
I hope you enjoy the show.
It’s how we deal with what happens
that counts.”
Dr. Beth Erickson
We’ve all known them: people whose I.Q.s are in the stratosphere but who are dumb as posts. They have no common sense. They lack people skills and consciousness of those around them. A current example of this type of person is the outgoing CEO of British Petroleum, Tony Hayward. He displayed his Mr. Spock-ness when he whined to the national news media that he wants his life back, oblivious to those in the Gulf of Mexico who may never get their lives as they knew them back.
We’ve also known people who seem not to have a brain in their head. Their lives are driven by their emotions without the tempering provided by standing back and evaluating their options from a realistic perspective. Actor and current newsmaker, Lindsay Lohan, could be the poster child for this type of person when she acts out her adolescent temper tantrums.
As in anything, operating at either extreme is precarious.
My definition of a mentally healthy person is one who is able to think and feel at the same time. Yes, I know that doing this can be very difficult to do, especially when feelings run high such as in a heated argument with your spouse. But it can be done. And people are well-advised to learn to do just that.
Being able to blend the two allows people to use their feelings as a valuable data source that leads to sound decision making and eventually a satisfying future.
My guest this coming week on "Relationships 101" to discuss this topic with me is Suzanna Abbott, creator of a series of telesummit interviews called from Failure to Fearless. She interviewed a group of people, including yours truly, on their stories of going from failing to being fearless. It could be said that her panel of experts can use a blend of the two.
The abuse of parishioners by clergy is a hot topic today. But did you know that members of the clergy also are abused by parishioners?
Rev. Jackie O’Neal speaks with me on the topic of clergy killers. Not literal killings, but emotionally abusing them so that clergy are forced out of the ministry at the rate of 1 every 6 minutes in the U.S. A primary cause of this is parishioners whose problems with authority are acted out upon the religious leader who represents the Ultimate Authority.
Join me on Monday after noon 8/16 on www.webtalkradio.net or Tuesday 8/17 at 6:00 p.m. Eastern time on WWPR 1490AM in Sarasota, FL.
I hope you enjoy the show.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
From Failure to Fearless!
When Thomas Edison was trying to create the electric light a newspaper man from New York City came to his Lab in Menlo Park and asked him how many different experiments he had tried. His response was well over 1200. When asked by the reporter how can you continue to pursue this after that many failures and Thomas Edison replied. I have not had a single failure. I have proven conclusively more than 1200 ways that absolutely do not work.
On Monday, August 16, on webtalkradio.net I have a conversation with Suzanna Abbott on from failure to fabulous. Some very important points are made but failure is more than an event that occurs in one’s life. If you have tried to master some sport and have discovered you do not have the ability to be good at it, you have not failed to learn the sport. Like Edison you have discovered positively that you need to employ your skills and talents in another arena.
No one is a failure if you give your very best but still do not accomplish your goal. A failure is someone that wished to do something but never risks starting toward that goal because they fear they will not be successful. Regardless of what you desire you must take the responsibility of trying to achieve it or you will be a failure and it is always self-imposed.
Adopt the Edison attitude and try everything until you find your personal niche. We are not all born equal in physical agility, muscle mass, intelligence and most other human skills. Just because you can’t dunk a basketball doesn’t mean you cannot enjoy the game
Listen in on Monday afternoon in Chicago to learn more of From Failure to Fearless. Here is the link. http://tinyurl.com/yzxnexy
On Monday, August 16, on webtalkradio.net I have a conversation with Suzanna Abbott on from failure to fabulous. Some very important points are made but failure is more than an event that occurs in one’s life. If you have tried to master some sport and have discovered you do not have the ability to be good at it, you have not failed to learn the sport. Like Edison you have discovered positively that you need to employ your skills and talents in another arena.
No one is a failure if you give your very best but still do not accomplish your goal. A failure is someone that wished to do something but never risks starting toward that goal because they fear they will not be successful. Regardless of what you desire you must take the responsibility of trying to achieve it or you will be a failure and it is always self-imposed.
Adopt the Edison attitude and try everything until you find your personal niche. We are not all born equal in physical agility, muscle mass, intelligence and most other human skills. Just because you can’t dunk a basketball doesn’t mean you cannot enjoy the game
Listen in on Monday afternoon in Chicago to learn more of From Failure to Fearless. Here is the link. http://tinyurl.com/yzxnexy
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Life and Death Matters
Last week, Paul and I called our grandchildren’s other grandmother whom they lovingly call “Grandma Kansas.” We had seen her a month ago at our great-grandson’s first birthday party, and she didn’t look or sound good. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer about three years ago that had metastasized into her other breast and then into her lungs. Shortly after that visit, our granddaughter called to tell us that Grandma Kansas’ doctor told her that she had between three weeks and three months to live.
Then maddeningly, after allowing her to stew on his prognosis, he told her he had one more treatment he could try. I wondered why he would do that, when he had already had told her the wonders of American medicine, at least as he practiced it, could do no more for her. She had already told him and her family that she was tired of fighting. I surmise he was fighting his own battle with the helplessness he must have felt when he could not cure her or at least prolong her life. Or less benignly, he may have been practicing aggressive medicine to protect against a lawsuit.
As we spoke last evening, she told me about her plans for her funeral, that she wanted to be cremated, and to whom she would donate her few things. She spoke in such a matter of fact way that I wondered if she were resigned to her fate, or in serious denial. But since our only connection is through our shared grandchildren and not by blood or through mutual friendship, I felt I could only offer her the opportunity to share what she wanted to and leave it at that. I didn’t feel I had permission to ask more. I only wanted to offer her the comfort of knowing that she was in my thoughts and prayers.
My offering was precious little I know, but it was what I could do from four states away.
It is a universal human need to know that we make a difference, that our lives matter. That was the major message I attempted to convey last night. I hope I succeeded.
And many times, that’s enough.
Then maddeningly, after allowing her to stew on his prognosis, he told her he had one more treatment he could try. I wondered why he would do that, when he had already had told her the wonders of American medicine, at least as he practiced it, could do no more for her. She had already told him and her family that she was tired of fighting. I surmise he was fighting his own battle with the helplessness he must have felt when he could not cure her or at least prolong her life. Or less benignly, he may have been practicing aggressive medicine to protect against a lawsuit.
As we spoke last evening, she told me about her plans for her funeral, that she wanted to be cremated, and to whom she would donate her few things. She spoke in such a matter of fact way that I wondered if she were resigned to her fate, or in serious denial. But since our only connection is through our shared grandchildren and not by blood or through mutual friendship, I felt I could only offer her the opportunity to share what she wanted to and leave it at that. I didn’t feel I had permission to ask more. I only wanted to offer her the comfort of knowing that she was in my thoughts and prayers.
My offering was precious little I know, but it was what I could do from four states away.
It is a universal human need to know that we make a difference, that our lives matter. That was the major message I attempted to convey last night. I hope I succeeded.
And many times, that’s enough.
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