The Effects of Transgenerational Patterns

Yesterday I received a frantic call from a gentleman with whom I have been consulting for a couple of months. His urgency was not for himself. Rather, it was for his twenty-something son. “Doc, I gotta get him in to see you as soon as you can schedule it.”

It seems that his son is living with a woman whose rage and violence against him are escalating drastically. For example, in one of their recent fights, she hurled a huge pot of spaghetti at him. And he woke up the next morning to find that she had stabbed a butcher knife through his pillow and cut up his clothes. The father’s alarm was certainly justified!

Since I have not yet met with the young man, I can only speculate on the contributors to violence in his relationship and his impotence to do anything about it. However, I know from the father that the older man grew up in a household where violence was the norm. And since the older man was the oldest of three, he bore the brunt of his parents’ frustration and mistrust that was expressed through rage and accusations. For example, one time when the older man was about 7 years old, his mother stabbed a fork into his forearm so far that it stood up by itself. Although not a daily occurrence the way the parents’ brawls were, instances like this were not all that rare, either.

The older man originally had sought my help to try to end his marriage to a woman who nightly gets drunk, swears at him, throws dishes at him, and berates him. In our meetings, at least a dozen times, he has shaken his head incredulously and said, “I don’t know why I married her. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I married her.” So I began probing to help him answer that question. When he began telling me his story, he was shocked and amazed when I pointed out that he had married a woman just like his mother.

Furthermore, because he had never resolved the abuse he witnessed and was the brunt of in his childhood, that pattern came down the generations to his own son. So it seemed normal somehow for him, too, to be with a violent woman.

Am I saying it is my client’s fault that his son is in this untenable situation? No. Absolutely not. But he does bear some responsibility for not having cleaned up the psychological mess his parents’ misery created in him. Unfortunately, in that both of his parents died forlorn and alone, he is unable to face his parents directly regarding his maltreatment. So it’s up to him to come to terms with his childhood traumas so his son can face and handle his own untenable situation. Then in both instances, we can see what can be done to improve their relationships or leave them.

Am I saying that the son will be unable to leave his relationship unless his dad leaves his? We’ll see. But I can tell you this much. It would be a whole lot easier for him if his dad were to lead the way.

When well-meaning people advise others to put the past in the past, this advice translates to “ignore it and hope it goes away.” However, the only way to genuinely put the past in the past is to turn towards it, face it, and resolve the feelings and thoughts surrounding it.

For those who would like some expert assistance to do just that, I am offering two weekend events to help people get unstuck in their lives and move forward unencumbered by past events, some of which have already receded into their unconscious mind. In this instance, what you don’t know will hurt you.

One will be held on May 15 and 16 in Ocala, FL, and the other in Minneapolis, MN on May 22 and 23.

The beauty of doing this work in a group is that participants will have the love and support not only of me, but also of the other group members to help each of them resolve their issues. Or at least they’ll get a darned good start at it. The primary reason that traumas go unresolved is because people assume they would have to experience it alone. The best part of working on tough issues in a group facilitated by someone with expertise is that finally, they don’t have to go it alone.

Won’t you consider please joining us? Spring is a beautiful time of year to give yourself a fresh start. Of course, if you want further information, feel free to call my toll-free number: 888-546-1580. I stand ready to help.

Mental and Emotional Spring Cleaning

Spring is a time of renewal, of starting fresh. A time of looking back to move forward in some qualitatively new directions. Yet too many people take their emotional old, no longer useful “clothes” with them into summer, fall, and the next winter like last year’s parka and snow pants.

At least once a season, I go through my closets. I sort my clothes, shoes, belts and handbags into a pile to give away, a pile to take to consignment, and a pile I want to keep. You’ve guessed it. The pile that I either consign or give away is stuff that I have to face the truth about: I simply am never going to wear the stuff. Either I’ve outgrown it, (drat!), or I no longer need it or like it.
I always feel lighter, less encumbered somehow, when I have completed this arduous task, having procrastinated on it long enough.

So it is with mental and emotional spring cleaning. And yet, too few people do this. They continue to take their emotional winter clothes with them year after year, in the form of outworn defenses and no-longer-useful thought processes.
For example, people who are stuck in their lives likely are at an impasse because of a trauma that hasn’t been resolved. Or an early decision they have made as a result of an experience that they have promised themselves never to repeat. This is the best self-protection that children can come up with because they are capable only of concrete reasoning.

According to the great Swiss psychologist, Jean Piaget, children aren’t capable of abstract reasoning until they are in their mid-teens. Concrete reasoning means that children are not capable of questioning their thoughts. They just unquestioningly think them. So if a child concludes that Mom and Dad got a divorce because s/he was a bad girl or bad boy, they carry that with them on an unconscious level until they are helped to raise that early decision to the level of consciousness. Then they can make a new, decision that is less damaging to their growth and development. This is a graphic example of an early decision run amuck and then corrected – spring cleaning at its best.

What lurks in the cob webs of your mind that needs to be brushed away? What hides in the dark corners that need to be faced and put to rest so you are no longer held back? What baggage is in your trunk of unhappy memories? Finding and putting these archaic experiences is essential. Otherwise, they will continue to haunt you and overshadow your ability to live the life. Then you will continue living someone else’s life, not your own.

In May, I am offering two opportunities to help you “spring clean.” The first will be on an acreage in Ocala, FL, on May 15th and 16th. The second will be held in Minneapolis, MN, at the lovely 1893 Nicollet Island Inn, on the banks of the mighty Mississippi River on May 22nd and 23rd. At each of these events, I will guide your mental and emotional spring cleaning.

For more information, visit my web site, www.drbetherickson.com. Click on Services and then Group Consultations on the left. This will allow you to access a video where I explain about the Florida Consultation Group and read specific details. The Minneapolis group will be a mirror image of the experience in Florida.

And of course, call my toll free number, 888-546-1580

Dr. Beth

What Makes a Marriage Successful?

This week’s show on “Relationships 101” on http://www.webtalkradio.net was an animated and fascinating discussion with Doctors Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz on ingredients of a successful marriage.

Here’s what made the conversation so interesting.
1. For starters, this power couple has been married to each other for 43 years and counting. And they plan to make it to their Golden Anniversary.
2. They have interviewed over 1000 couples on 6 continents in over 70 cities, and they’re not done yet.
3. The first criterion the couples they interviewed for their qualitative research project had to meet was being married for at least 30 years.
4. Once they met that criterion, the Schmitzes had a standard interview protocol that allowed them to determine if these marriages were successful, or merely long.
5. If they were deemed successful, then the interview proceeded.

The results of their work are summarized in their recent book, Building a Love That Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage.

On the show, I challenged them on areas where I thought our work and perspectives differed. For example, in none of their examples did I read their views on the importance of effectively resolving conflict to a successful marriage. While they acknowledged that they, too, occasionally fight, their relationship and those of the couples they interviewed were peaceful the majority of the time. And so is my marriage. However, I absolutely know that couples who refuse to fight never enjoy the depth of intimacy that is possible when couples can fight fairly and successfully work through their inevitable differences.

Tune in to this week’s show on “Relationships 101” on webtalkradio.net. Here’s the link. http://tinyurl.com/yzxnexy

Enjoy the show. And don’t worry if you can’t listen live. Shows remain in the webtalkradio.net archives for 3 months.

Dismantling Defensive Scaffolding

Yesterday, I blogged about Having the Guts to Allow Someone to Love You. And I promised an article on how to dismantle the defenses you erected in order to keep yourself safe. Of course, these steps are much easier said than done. So be patient with yourself.

Although these remarks are in the context of having the courage to accept love, the process I am outlining here can be applied to dismantling defenses in general.

Let’s suppose that you have finally seen that you are in your own way when it comes to receiving love. Then what? How do you change that?

Step 1: Realize that you react defensively, knee-jerk style when a spouse or partner shows their love toward you.

Step 2: Develop an observing ego. Do this by metaphorically learning to sit on your own shoulder and watch yourself interact.

Step 3: Initially, you probably will realize you have reacted defensively sometime after the fact. That’s okay. This realization will be a major building block to your ability to stop the pattern.

Step 4: Even when you notice yourself reacting defensively, it is unlikely that you will be able to stop yourself at first. But it is important that you notice your patterned response. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’ll get better.

Step 5: Finally, you will be able to see yourself reacting defensively when you are in the middle of it. This allows you to back up and start again. Now you can choose a better, more functional reaction.

Here’s a caveat. If you are emotionally invested in a relationship with someone who fits this description, ask yourself an important question. What’s in it for me that I choose to love someone who is emotionally unavailable?

Remember this: It’s a lot easier to want than to have.

Having the Guts To Let Someone Love You

Have you ever tried to love someone who was bound and determined not to allow it? I have. It sure is frustrating, even infuriating, isn’t it?

Since to love and be loved is a universal human need, it surely isn’t reasonable and logical for anyone to reject love. But on a whole other level, it makes perfect sense. This concept is counterintuitive. Let me explain.

People who are afraid to be loved suffer from a very deep intimacy fear. But they don’t know they are afraid. This is because the reasons they got this way have long since passed into their unconscious mind. This is especially true if the situation that created this logjam happened in their childhood.

Keeping themselves at arm’s length from anyone who offers love serves to insulate them so effectively that they don’t even recognize that they are afraid. They just “know” they are easily irritated about this, or feel self-righteous about that because they believe they can’t trust anyone.

Perhaps the most precarious part about trying to relate to these people is that the more you attempt to give them love, the more they will fight you, rejecting your attempts. This often becomes a crazy-making pattern. This allows them to build the wall brick by brick that they hope will keep them “safe.” Never mind it’s a lonely, empty, frightening existence. But at least they can’t get hurt this way, they often reason however unconsciously.

It takes courage to allow yourself to be loved, because it tends to stir up childlike feelings of dependency. Along with this are powerful feelings of fear, which is the reason people develop this counter dependent response in the first place. The unconscious rationale for their defensiveness is, if you just don’t allow someone to really love you, you’ll never become dependent and can never be let down.

The bottom line is that when these defenses were constructed, they were an early decision designed for survival. However, these defensive strategies no longer serve them in adulthood. Therefore, these self-protective barriers need to be dismantled. Check back on my blog tomorrow to see how to go about doing that. Clearly, it is easier said than done.

A baby step to get you started is to follow the advice of Martha Beck in a recent issue of O The Oprah Magazine. She wrote, “Every time life brings you to a crossroads, from the tiniest to the most immense, go toward love, not away from fear.”

More tomorrow.

Challenging Workplace Relationships

There are many energy vampires in the workplace. People who run around like Chicken Little proclaiming, “The sky is falling!” Whiners who incessantly complain about how they’ve been wronged by a boss, co-worker, or family member. And yet, they attempt no constructive solutions. Chatterboxes who talk incessantly and say nothing because they are anxious and don’t know constructive ways to bind their anxiety. And then there are bullies. And it makes matters much worse when those bullies are bosses. These "leaders" have managed to bamboozle someone higher up about their qualifications to lead. And where they exercise their “leadership” the most is in creating a highly toxic environment.

Toxic bosses regularly set team members up for failure, blaming them when they can’t accomplish the impossible. They empower people, who are already difficult enough to work with, to become impossible.

And yet who can simply quit their job in this recession?

Many times, people want to help make the situation better, but they don’t know how. This is particularly true when they are not in a position of power on the job. These employees must grapple with questions such as:

• What happens when you have a big blow up with someone you work with, but you have to continue working with them? How do you do that? Is it even possible?

• What about having ongoing tension or conflict with someone you work directly or indirectly with. How do you manage that?

• How do you collaborate if you're being forced into a situation where you have to work with an old nemesis? Do you set aside old grievances and the knowledge you have about this person to start over again for the good of the team? Is that even possible?

It can be precarious to blow the whistle to upper management. But there are times to do so and clearly, there are times not to do this. But how does the average employee know which is which? How can they be constructive without jeopardizing their own job?

Today, I have started a discussion group on LinkedIn to tackle workplace issues such as these called Challenging Workplace Relationships. Please join me in reading the comments and adding your own questions and opinions. Let’s make this a useful discussion group for folks who are struggling to connect with those who have constructive suggestions and solutions.

And please join me on March 8th on “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net when I interview Roger Hall, an executive who literally spent his career traveling the world helping companies to neutralize their toxic, conflict-ridden work environments. We will specifically focus on coping with bullies in the workplace.

You won't want to miss these interesting and essential conversations.

We’re Not Raising Our Children; Society Is

Yesterday on my radio show, “Relationships 101,” I interviewed psychotherapist J.E. Wright, author of The Sexualization of America’s Kids. He specializes in treating children and adolescents who have been victimized by the sexualized messages with which they are bombarded daily. Unfortunately, those messages generally are not from their parents or other responsible adults. Rather, they come from television, their peers wwho are just as confused as they are, the Internet, social media and MTV. And the more parents are unaware of this, the more they are unable to appropriately protect their children from this barrage of distorted messages.

One of the net effects of this situation is that these media have contorted children’s barometer of what is normal. “Dials” on kids’ heads that once told them what was normal and what was not, when it comes to sex and sexuality, have been twisted into a new normal. And that new normal isn’t all that healthy, unless parents intervene and offer alternatives to the messages their kids receive from the culture. Too often, the result is sexting, random oral sex parties, and skiddle parties where kids set out whatever drugs they can get their hands on like adults set out chips and dip.

What is a parent to do? Parents, take heart. There are several things you can do to prevent your kids being confused and programmed by sexually titillating material with which they are inundated. One is to teach your kids about normal sexuality at home by modeling it. For example, it can be helpful to step from the shower to your bedroom naked. This helps children realize the nude body is not so mysterious. Have conversations with children about what they think of a particular commercial and why they think sexy, beautiful women frequently are seen in car commercials. Regularly dialogue with their kids from the time they are young, even though they most likely will be uncomfortable and resistant at first. If so, ask if you can talk with them about it in a few days. This lets them know that you are interested in talking with and listening to them without it disintegrating into a fight.

If that doesn’t work and if a child begins to act out his confusion at school or with other children, it is essential that you seek professional help. Otherwise, this dangerous behavior can become a calcified pattern that your child may well bring into adulthood. Then the consequences of this confusion may be much more significant and dangerous.

Be sure to tune in to “Relationships 101” next Monday, when I will speak with psychotherapist Jeff Ford on “Internet Addiction.”