How Do Coaching and Therapy Compare?

It seems like there are getting to be relationship coaches everywhere you turn. With little or no training, many entrepreneurs decide to call themselves coaches. They hang out their proverbial shingle and begin trolling for clients. Many say they specialize in coaching people in marriage improvement, having no more expertise than being divorced themselves.

What is coaching, anyway? How is that different from psychotherapy? How do you know when you need therapy?

Generally speaking, coaching tends to focus on the present and future. A coach’s main action will be to help you identify action steps you need to take and see to it that you carry them out. For example, if you intend to start a business, a coach will ask you to figure out your top five goals and the strategies you need to employ to carry them out. Your coach’s main function then will be to hold you accountable for carrying them out.

On the other hand, sometimes you need the training and expertise of a therapist. The primary way in which coaching and therapy differ is in depth. For example, if you have anger or depression issues that haunt your everyday life, a therapist would help you explore and unpack the roots of those issues. Freedom comes in understanding those roots and how they are still affecting you. This knowledge gives you options, rather than simply knee-jerk reacting to situations that trigger your obsolete ways of responding.

For example, I am working by phone with a young man from Massachusetts whose father died of cancer when my client was fifteen years old. To make matters worse, neither of his parents told him about his dad’s illness and impending death. So he was in total shock when his father died. And he was angry, too. In an attempt to cope on his own, he withdrew from his friends, sports, the rest of his family, and the world. And that is where he had stayed, until he began working with me. Needless to say, his isolating himself severely compromised his social development, which was my secondary concern, once we had emotionally buried his dad. His work included a trip to Minneapolis so he could literally put an end to his isolation.

It is easy to see, then, that psychotherapy goes way beyond the scope of coaching. Clearly, there is a place for both modalities in helping people to make changes in their lives. However, if you find yourself repeating the same mistakes or unhelpful responses to life, you would be wise to seek the services of a competent, well-trained psychotherapist with whom you have good chemistry. Whom you choose for your therapist is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. So choose carefully and wisely.

If you wish to have further clarification about the similarities and differences, feel free to contact me at my toll-free number, which is 888-546-1580.

I’d Love Your Input

Most people this time of year intend to start the new year right. For some people, that means examining the validity of their intimate relationship. Knowing whether to stay or go takes on even greater urgency as they contemplate their life and the new year.

What do they want and need to do in the new year and decade? I suspect, at least partially in response to folks already pondering this question, something interesting has come up.

Over the last several weeks, I have received a series of questions from people in my online caring community, requesting my feedback on how and when to know that it’s time to leave a relationship.

I have blogged my answers to that question. People have commented on my blog. And still the questions come in.

Here’s how I need your input.

I am considering doing a special private, exclusive conference call to give people my insights as they struggle with this life-changing question. Whichever fork in the road they decide to take, their life will be different.

Of course, I can’t – nor would I – advise people about whether to go or to stay.

And having been divorced myself, I place no judgment whatsoever on people who choose to divorce. Or to stay, for that matter.

And I know from both my personal and professional experience, life’s questions don’t come any
bigger than this! The weight of this conundrum only increases when there are children whose lives will be impacted for the rest of their lives, for better and for worse, by their parent's decision.

Is hearing my thoughts on this vital topic something you would be interested in?

If I offer such a call, you would attend?

If yes, please send an e-mail to me at drbetherickson@aol.com indicating your interest in participating. If there is sufficient interest in such a call, I will schedule it and send you information about it very soon.

Don’t forget. I offer a complimentary consultation on any relationship or personal issue you are struggling with. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580)to schedule your consultation.

“When a Best Friend Dies”

Best friendships are arguably the most underrated of all intimate relationships. And yet, research has shown that close friendships act as a kind of “behavioral vaccine,” as two female researchers wrote. Strong social supports improve an individual’s sense of happiness and overall well-being. Conversely, loneliness and lack of social supports are linked to an increased risk of heart disease, viral infection, and higher mortality rates.

My big sister Julie’s best friend died on Christmas Day. Bev had been hovering near death for ten days before she died at 91 in hospice with her six children gathered around. Nearing eighty herself and a widow, Julie had never before had a best friend. Oh yes. She had coffee klatch friends that typically are found in small towns across mid-America. And church basement ladies with whom she had served countless after-funeral lunches. And friends she saw at work or in her volunteer activities. But never a best friend. Until five or six years ago, when she and Bev became chums.

She had proudly introduced Bev to me twice. And she told me stories of their trips to visit her friend’s daughter in Florida. And of excursions to the Wal-Mart in the next town. This is the kind of hanging out that female best friends enjoy. So I knew when I received the first e-mail from her saying that her friend was gravely ill, this would be significant and difficult for Julie.

I began e-mailing her daily. And on Christmas Eve, I called her. Normally, Julie likes to exchange basic information while on the phone and finish the call. That day, however, she talked for over 35 minutes, reminiscing and worrying for her friend’s safe passage. I felt complimented that she would let me take care of her, rather than the reverse as she had done so many times throughout my life.

Even before Bev died, Julie began using the past tense in referring to her, as though she was already dead. I thought that was curious, so I mentioned it to my best friend, Karen, when we spoke. “She has lost so much, so she is used to experiencing the death of loved ones.” Indeed, she already was preparing herself to deal with Bev’s absence.

I wondered and continue to do so what it will be like for Karen or me when one of us has to bury the other. And my other best friend as well. I have already asked them to make certain their partners notify me if anything happens to either of them. I suspect that, because both Karen and Faye live in different cities, it will be easier for one of us to be left behind. It also will be easier for us to remain in denial, with our minds playing tricks on us to blunt the loss. If so, that will impede our recovery.

I know this much is true. I am blessed by all of my friendships, particularly those to whom I can tell all my secrets -- my best friends.

"Dear Anonymous"

I had two strong reactions when I read the comment you posted on my blog on 12/23. Thank you for leaving it. I invite all of my readers to comment. It puts me in touch with the caring community I am building online.

My first was heartbreak for you. After five years with this woman and three sessions with a counselor, you are primarily being beaten up? It sounds like you haven’t gone back to see the counselor, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. It is possible for a well-trained family systems therapist to work individually with one member of a couple and then bring the other partner into joint therapy. However, doing so requires extraordinary skill. In order for that to work, the therapist must know how to balance alliances to and join with both of you.

Clearly, your relationship issue with your significant other requires more skill than the male-bashing that this counselor does in the guise of therapy. It may seem like she is helping your s.o. out by siding with her. But look at it this way. After 3 years, she’s still suffering from the after effects of the divorce, and the counselor is both allowing and encouraging her to remain in her misery? Your s.o. has won only a small victory!

Your story is exactly why I wrote my first book, HELPING MEN CHANGE: THE ROLE OF THE FEMALE THERAPIST. It was not because I felt that men needed to do all the changing in a relationship. However, that was the prevailing sentiment at that time. It was a time of feminists’ backlash against the power men had claimed in relationships up until the 1950’s. HELPING MEN CHANGE was published in 1993 after an editor who heard my presentation about my men’s groups offered me a contract on the spot at the end. She said, “I’ve been looking for two years for the right woman to write this book. If you want a contact, you’ve got it.”

What made me “the right woman?” My ability to see relationships as systems. I believe to my core that relationship are an interlocking web of covert agreements that people strike between each other that stabilize and perpetuate their relationship. So to blame one of them for all the relationship’s woes is simply not accurate. Nor is it fair. It really does take two to tango.

My other reaction was anger at the counselor. Male-bashing is simply not an adequate therapeutic strategy! Nor would the reverse be appropriate if a male therapist were to perpetrate it on female clients. Her response to both of you belies unfinished business of her own that has created a major blind spot for her and has crept into her work. I can only theorize about what that might be. But I can tell you this. It is indefensible.

How do I work with couples differently from this? The core of how I work focuses around a few key questions. Often, they can't be answered the first, the third, or even the tenth time I ask them. These are abstract, emotionally-laden issues. But they must be answered by people.

1. What are you getting out of continuing to fight with each other about this situation?
2. How is it helping you? (Yes, you read that correctly.)
3. What do you suppose you two would be thinking about and working with if you weren’t struggling with the aftermath of her divorce?
4. What’s in it for you to stay?

I don’t have to tell you that five years is a long time and a lot of investment. So it behooves you to advocate for your relationship by finding the best therapist you can to help you. And if your s.o. refuses to see anyone other than the person she’s been working with (who, as you see, has not been very helpful) then get some help to sort through your feelings and questions on your own.

If you can’t answer the questions above and would like my help, remember I offer a complimentary consultation. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to schedule a appointment.

To Leave, Or To Stay?

In my most recent blog entry,I posed a question that someone sent me, requesting my help to decide whether to go or to stay in a marriage. This is Part 2 of my answer.

If you have sought marital therapy with a specialist in marriage and family therapy and you still are uncertain, the following questions can provide a kind of checklist for you.

Top 5 Questions to Ask Yourself:

1. Have you invested in understanding and improving your situation, or have you merely attended therapy? Worse yet, have you refused to get professional help completely? If you answered the latter questions in the affirmative, you have not been fair to your spouse, yourself, and any children whose lives will be impacted by your decisions now. Merely marking time in a therapist’s office will not help you be a better partner in your marriage or in your next relationship. And you cheat both your spouse, yourself, your children, and a new partner, should you decide to leave.

2. Have you taken responsibility for your part in the problems you are having? It is human nature to blame others for your situation. That way, you don’t have to change yourself. So you seem to get off scot free. However, it takes two to tango. It took two to create your situation, and you both need to invest in changing it. When you don’t step up and own your own contribution to the difficulties in the marriage, you give away your own power to change it.

3. Have you stopped blaming your spouse for everything that is wrong in your marriage? This is a close cousin to #2. There is no more blame when you have soul-searched and come up with your contribution to your problems. Take note. Assigning blame is not the same as accepting responsibility.

4. Have you owned your own feelings? Here’s a tip to remember. Starting sentences with “I feel that . . . “ is not the same as sharing feelings. Stated this way, it’s an opinion that masquerades as a feeling. To wit: “I feel that you shouldn’t work such long hours.”

5. Do you have a clear sense that you’ve done all I can, and it’s time to leave? If you can’t answer “yes” to this question, then it likely isn’t time to leave. In my experience both personally and professionally, people know when it’s time. They don’t have to “overthink” it.

As always, if you have difficulty applying these suggestions to your own situation, I offer a complimentary consultation. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to arrange for it.

“Knowing When to Hold ‘Em and When to Fold ‘Em”

Recently, I received a question from someone in cyberspace who asked for my help to know when to let go and when to keep fighting for their marriage. “After many years of counseling on and off, I’m still not feeling like I want to be with my spouse. How do you know when it’s time to throw in the towel?” The question was such an important one that I decided to offer some guidelines to help you answer it.

In order to provide the best help, I am blogging my answer in two parts.

First, I must offer a caveat. There is no right or one-size-fits-all approach to relationships. There are always exceptions. Use your own best judgment in applying these criteria to your situation. If you are confused, feel free to call my toll-free number (888-546-1580) for a complimentary consultation with me. I don’t have to tell you what an important decision you're facing. So it is best to give this question its proper due.

Dr. Beth’s Rules of Thumb for Sorting Out This Conundrum

Have you tried counseling? Especially with a long relationship, chances are that walking away without first seeking professional help can prolong your healing process. It leaves too many unanswered questions, most important of which is "Have we tried everything we can?" If you honestly can answer "yes" to this question, you have one indicator that you can go with a clear conscience.

Was it with a trained marriage and family therapist? This is an extremely important consideration. Why is that?

Several factors distinguish “real live” marital therapists from those who say they do marriage counseling.

o The graduate degree alone may not necessarily be relevant. Too often, people tend to disqualify those with a master’s degree in either social work or psychology in favor of someone with a Ph.D. or and M.D., just because they are doctors. However, the primary function of most psychiatrists (M.D.’s who have little or no supervision or training in providing psychotherapy) usually is prescribing medicines. Further, clinical psychologists typically have studied how to conduct research and how to diagnose and assign individual pathology. These don’t necessarily make them empathic and competent couples therapists. They may be. But they also can be analytical and lack the warmth required to create a safe space for delicate and often painful work.

o Having taken a course on Intro. to Family Therapy in graduate school does not make clinicians trained marital therapists. "Real" family therapists have studied marriage and family therapy, whether in graduate school or through an ongoing investment in continuing education courses.

o I recognize that many clinicians aren’t as fortunate as I was to complete two years of post-doctoral training in marriage and family therapy. However, if someone you are contemplating seeing can demonstrate an investment in making the paradigm shift from individual to systemic thinking, working with that type of person is best.

• A what shift? Because I already had a Ph.D. and had a psychotherapy credential (I was a Certified Reality Therapist), I remember how baffled I was in trying to make the shift in my way of thinking about relationships, psychotherapy, and my role as a therapist. In fact, I felt as if all I learned in the first semester of my post-doc was how little I knew! There is a qualitative difference in each approach.

o What that shift in perspective entails is learning to see relationships as an interlocking system of individuals who had formed a synergistic -– if problematic -- relationship that is larger than each of the individuals separately.

o That means that people unwittingly, usually unconsciously, cooperate in the creation and maintenance of the problems that are plaguing them and for which they seek professional help.

o Blaming one person, usually the identified patient, for all the family’s ills is not helpful at best and pathologizing at worst.

So the first question to ask yourself is in considering the question of going or staying is, “Have we sought professional help?” The next question is, “Have we found the best help possible?”

Even working with someone from a long distance who is well-trained and empathic usually is more effective and productive than meeting with someone who may have an alphabet soup of initials but who lacks the ability to see relationships as a system. These counselors tend to blame one person for all the problems and to let the other person off the hook. This does nothing productive. In fact, it creates a whole ‘nother problem.

Stay tuned for my next entry that will consider how to know whether to stay in a current relationship or, to go.

“Highlights from a Holiday Formal Dinner Dance”

Paul and I got dressed to the nines last night and went to the Officers’ Club for a gathering of folks with whom we celebrate the holidays this way every December. I love to be with my husband any time, but it is especially exciting when he dons his tux and we step out. There’s something about that tux that brings out an extra measure of chivalry in him and that makes him even more handsome to me.

Anyone who knew me when I was a radical in my youth would be shocked that I married a military man. Paul, a career officer in the Air Force, retired and went on to pursue first a Master’s degree in History, then an MBA, and eventually law school in his 50th year. He indeed is very smart. And I like smart people who love learning.

The first person who caught my attention last night was a small woman in a wheel chair. She was with a group of friends and her husband and daughter who doted on her. I had seen her several times before at the Club, but I never had greeted her. My two friends with Multiple Sclerosis have sensitized me to what life in a wheel chair is like, so I was determined that, at least for a moment, she not feel invisible. I introduced myself and said, “Dare I even ask, do you have MS?” “Yes,” she quietly said and turned away. I wondered if I were out of place asking a stranger that question, as I stepped away to give her privacy while she struggled to transfer from her wheel chair to her place at the table.

There was only one young military man present with his tall, beautiful wife. Decked out in his Marine full dress uniform, he was quite handsome himself. After dinner, he and his Grandfather, dressed in his old Marine uniform that still fit, had their picture taken together. They stood at least 6 inches apart, making sure they didn’t touch. On the spur of the moment, I playfully said they should take their picture again with their arm around each other. The older man said not unkindly, “No. We’re Marines!” as if to say, “Perish the thought!” I thought how sad it is that he and Marines' unspoken rule deprived these two men of the affection everyone needs and deserves. Later, I bought the young man a beer. He told me he’s frustrated that he has to wait six months to be deployed to Afghanistan. “I can’t wait to go!” he said.

I love flirting with one man in particular, always careful to do so in Paul’s presence so I send a clear message to both of them that I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. I am blessed that my husband trusts me and is not in any way jealous or possessive. This gray-haired gentleman impishly stepped over to our table and playfully invited me to “dump” Paul so he and I could get together. I said it wouldn’t happen, and he trounced back to his table in mock horror, turning around to wink as he rejoined his wife.

Perhaps the highlight of the evening, beyond basking in my husband’s love and the magic of the evening, was encountering a woman sitting at the bar with her husband. I spotted her immediately and instinctually was drawn to her. She was reflexively rubbing her shoulder, so I knew she was in pain. I went over to her and asked her permission to touch her hands. When she agreed, I pressed some acupressure points. She noticed a slight decrease of pain. When I picked up her other hand, I was shocked to find a bulbous and swollen knuckle, the telltale sign of someone struggling with severe rheumatoid arthritis. I merely put my hand gently over her knuckle, continuing to talk softly with her and joke with her husband. When I took my hand away, her knuckle was noticeably less swollen and red. I had moved some of her energy that had log jammed in and around that knuckle. But I am convinced that the warmth of our human contact was the major factor in this.

On the way home, I couldn’t stop myself from telling Paul what a lovely evening I had had, how much I love being with him, and of my love for him. I have tears in my eyes now as I write. I hope I never stop appreciating what a gift our marriage and his love are to me.

If you wish to take a look at some pictures taken of us last night, here is the link to my Facebook page. http://tinyurl.com/ydje7m6

Paul and I wish you warm holidays and a fulfilling new year.