Dr. Beth Erickson

Daily Words of Wisdom An Almost Free Trial

2011-12-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth

For more than four and a half years I have been interviewing experts, thought leaders and everyday people on Relationship issues on my internet radio shows. Week after week since 2009, the listeners to my weekly Relationships101 show on WebTalkRadio, have numbered in the 10’s of thousands. That led me to conclude the information I present to my radio audience is considered by my listeners to be valuable enough to devote their precious time. I have come to realize, and many others have told me, that my three and one half decades of learning, teaching and counseling have provided me with a treasure trove of information should be shared with the world.

Receive my Daily Words of Wisdom for one penny each day for the first 30 days. This initaial charge of 30 cents is to be sure you have entered the correct information to be processed by your credit card company.

Click on this link. http://tinyurl.com/dxa9wnh

Sharing my insights into what is going on in the world around us is now a reality and my vehicle to share this with you is a subscription-only Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth. I have been working diligently, writing my fingers to the bone to prepare these special offerings for you.

HAVE THESE DAILY MISSIVES BEEN VALUABLE TO MY SUBSCRIBERS?

The Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth launched in August 2011 and has received exquisitely positive reviews.

Words of Wisdom - Accolades

Dr. Beth! You did it again! Your current Daily Words of Wisdom- When Siblings Stop Speaking is an Amazing article!

Thank you so much, Dr. Beth! Fabulous!

I love all of this! That was simply beautiful! Thank you!

Your column today was, again, right on for me! I've been divorced for a while and when I got to Chicago re-connected with my "first love" who happened to live here. We'd lost touch for 33 years and couldn't believe the turn of events that led us to each other again. So, I've been thinking about this subject - a little different than you've laid out - but death and kids. Thank you for always hitting the mark!

I just love you! Your words just seem to go directly to my heart.

I think you ought to consider pulling these articles into a book at some point. And, yes, the one today was really good.

Hi Dr. Beth, Thank you! Such a good article again!

Just loving these, and wanted you to know...

Every time I get a chance I read your posts or listen to programs that I find relevant and I always get something from them.

Supa dupa!

I love to read anything you write. Your missives are succinct and full of tools to use to live a happier life. I just can’t wait to get the next one. There is a nugget in everyone that I can share with someone that needs that particular piece of your wisdom.

Wow, Dr. Beth! This is so potent! Thank you for introducing me to information in this post that I never knew!

This is an amazing article. You were direct and pointed in your information that is exactly what the public needs to become aware. Thank you so much for your help in this and for taking a stand to protect children. We need more people like you in this world!

I think you opened me up. Before I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel the pain. I am now typing with tears rolling freely down my cheeks. I never allowed myself to feel all these years...a lifetime. It hurt too much.

I am going to give you a 30 DAYS OF THIS VALUABLE INFORMATION for one penny each day for 30 days. Click on this link. http://tinyurl.com/dxa9wnh to enroll and DO IT TODAY.

After the first 30 days, the cost is only $1.49 a week and your credit card will be billed $6.46 on the 31th day and for each succeeding 30 days after that. You can start receiving them for yourself now for one penny each day for 30 days.

So what are you going to get for this investment of 21 cents a day. Seven days a week in your inbox will be my new post of my Daily Words of Wisdom and they will be an a wide range of topics; Each one will be mind candy for you to chew on as you go about your day.

In those first 30 days I believe you will come to recognize the value of the insights I’m sharing from my 35+ years of learning, teaching, and helping couples, families, and individuals overcome impediments to their happiness and success. I personally believe you will find great value in this product. I invite you to dialogue with me, and even suggest potential topics you’d like me to write about.

You may do this either by going to www.AskDrBethErickson.com or by sending me an e-mail at drbetherickson@aol.com.

Because we all march to a different drummer, as they say, you may find that some of my Daily Words of Wisdom messages are more applicable to you than others. That is only natural. I have deliberately varied the topics I write about, so just wait a day or two, and I’ll bet another one will tickle your fancy. Receive my Daily Words of Wisdom FREE for 30 days NOTE: When you join, you'll receive an acknowledgement email from me and a second email with a confirmation link that you will need to click on to confirm that you want to receive Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth.

Who’s on the Family Tree? It’s Complicated

2011-11-08T04:57:00.001-08:00

This was written a few weeks ago but it is such an important topic that I choose to release it here also. This is just one example of my Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth.

If after reading this article you would like to see more Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth just go to the following link and you will see a link to sign up to experience for free these suggestion filled daily posts of advice to become a better more in control happier YOU.

Join today! It is free for 30 days and there is no obligation to continue but I believe when you have a chance to experience this daily missive you like all others will find it daily reading that you cannot imagine not having.

http://www.drbetherickson.com/daily_words_of_wisdom.html

I am asking you to at least give it a try.

If after reading this if you beliieve as I do that this information should be must reading for every person thinking about or may try to use advanced reproductive methods invite them to go to my website http://www.drbetherickson.com/ and read this article and suggest to them that they should share this information with their friends and acquaintencnes,

Introduction

With the advent of many advances in reproductive technology, such as sperm donors, surrogate mothers, same-sex parents, stepparents and stepsiblings, and infertility treatments, it is difficult to say unequivocally who is related to whom. Time was, there were only two ways to become related: through marriage or along bloodlines. But now, family ties are murkier, relationships are more complex, and family trees have many more branches.

How "family" is defined is a crucial question on many levels. Beyond the debate over same-sex marriage, it affects income tax filings, adoption and foster care practices, employee benefits, inheritance rights, hospital visitation, and countless other legal matters and just as importantly the future of your health and means for treatment.
In this post, I will discuss how family trees are beginning to look like tangled forests and the implications of this increasingly complex 21st century phenomenon. And in order to comprehend these families, you have to be able to think complexly.

Census Data

For the last six years, according to United States census data, there have been more unmarried households than married ones. And more same-sex couples are having children using surrogates or sperm donors or by adoption. The California Cryobank, one of the nation’s largest sperm banks, said that about one-third of its clients in 2009 were lesbian couples, compared with seven percent a decade earlier.

New questions are being phased in nationally on the standard birth certificate questionnaire about whether, and what type of reproductive technology was used, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Aspects of This Issue

Tracing a family tree is more than an intellectual exercise. There are medical, legal, bioethical, and emotional dimensions to this issue. As the composition of families changes, a new set of questions emerges as to who gets a branch on the family tree.

Medical

If a child becomes seriously ill who was born using artificial insemination, how will that child ever know his/her health legacy? If s/he needs a bone marrow donor, for example, and there is no known sibling or father who could be located to serve as a match, that child is out of luck if his/her mother is not a match.

Legal

Who is a legitimate legal heir to a deceased parent’s estate? Who inherits property? Unless the deceased person specifically has named a child in his/her will who is not related by blood, for instance a stepchild, that individual has no legitimate claim to the deceased parent’s estate.

In addition, there is no regulatory framework in place that would protect the children who are born using Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) from harm. In the United States, there is no consistent regulatory framework to protect the children born using ART from harm. And the regulations that do exist are generally less effective than they need to be.

Bioethical Issues

Currently, few regulatory mechanisms are in place at either the state or the federal or state level that would protect unborn children from their parent’s decision to reproduce by any means possible.

Many issues of reproductive technology have given rise to bioethical issues, since technology often alters the assumptions that lie behind existing systems of sexual and reproductive morality. People contemplating becoming parents by any means possible need to consider issues like:

Just because we can do something, should we do it?

How do adults and we as a society balance The Right to Reproduce vs. the Rights/Best Interests of Children?

Alas, too few physicians and would-be parents contemplate such important questions before they proceed with choosing their best option for bearing a child. Witness the “Octo Mom.”

Further, it is not known how many “leftover embryos” that could be babies are sitting in cryogenic storage in fertility centers. Some estimates are as high as 400, 000 in the U.S. alone. Although it is unclear how many of these embryos will be discarded in the next few years, their presence has fueled the debate over human embryonic stem cell research.

Emotional

Some children who have to comprehend and explain to others who their relatives are and how they are related may develop a sense of alienation from their peers who grow up in more conventional homes. Then, they also can experience a sense of isolation and a feeling of being odd and weird. Although, of course, it clearly is not their parent’s intention, the unconventional circumstances of their birth can cause these children emotional pain that can last a lifetime.

What of Other Children Fathered by the Sperm Donor?

Technically, they could be the child’s half-siblings. But especially if there is no chance of knowing who they are, they might better be called “donor siblings.”

It is even possible that half-siblings conceived with the help of a sperm donor might be attracted to and want to marry his/her half-sibling. This would be a case of accidental incest, and who knows what the legal ramifications of that might be!

Case Example

Many years ago, I treated a woman whose father was a sperm donor. Since Assisted Reproductive Technology has only been around for about 25 years, her mother must have been a pioneer in using artificial insemination to bear her daughter.

Her mother’s choice had profound implications for the daughter. Apparently, she thought nothing of them when she made the decision to exercise her personal right to bear a child by any means possible. My client spoke of a profound sense of loneliness and emptiness when she was unable to answer the question of who her father was. And she got little comfort from her detached mother who, in truth, only knew of the sperm donor’s approximate age, eye color, ethnic background, and that he was a medical student. She had no information whatsoever about her half-siblings who theoretically could number in the dozens.

All I could give the woman was a kind listening ear as she cried and railed at her unfortunate circumstance, which was precious little comfort, I’m afraid. But clearly, it was more than she felt she could get from her mother.

What This Means for You

• If you have already had a child using ART, be aware of the voids in that child’s psyche and soul.

• To never know both birth parents is a profound loss for these children.

• Parents need to help them grieve.

• This is true of other circumstances as well, such as a child whose parent is killed in a war before s/he is born.

• Being fathered by a sperm donor is the smallest scintilla of fatherhood there is.

• Who is in a child’s family is becoming increasingly more complicated for all concerned, and I suspect its complications will continue to grow exponentially

© Dr. Beth Erickson 2011

Exceptioal Advice from Dr. Beth

2011-11-08T04:42:00.001-08:00

If you have not joined yet you missed my “Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth” where I provided the Wisdom from more than 3 and ½ decades of helping people overcome the obstacles and roadblocks that prevented them from fully realizing a happy and successful life.

In the past week I have written: Does He Cheat; Risks of Rushing into Remarriage; Developing Mental Toughness and Handling Depression at Work. It is not to late to join this growing community. Just go to the following link and you will see a link to sign up to experience for free these suggestion filled daily posts of advice to become a better more in control happier YOU.

Join today! It is free for 30 days and there is no obligation to continue but I believe when you have a chance to experience this daily missive you like all others will find it daily reading that you cannot imagine not having.

http://www.drbetherickson.com/daily_words_of_wisdom.html

I am asking you to at least give it a try.

Dr. Beth

Are You Involved With a Serial Cheater

2011-11-08T04:23:00.001-08:00

Hi Dr. Beth,

Your interview with Sterling Anderson "the recovering cheater" was fascinating..

I came across a cheater when I was in college when I met one of my classmates, Charles. He lived with a girlfriend and yet wanted to have a "platonic" relationship with me. It's interesting that Sterling talked about the "affairs of the heart" that begin with fantasy, but in the end is still a form of c...heating. It surprised me that Charles needed a 'platonic friend" even though he had a girlfriend. In the end, I walked away when I realized he was using me as I'm sure I was one of many female "friends" he engulfed with his "tentacles" to gratify his need for attention. Young women should learn early to recognize these parasites before they waste their time. I made a mistake by not walking away sooner.

You did a wonderful job at tackling the subject! Your "Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth" on this topic is a must read for everyone in or looking to be in a "relationship."

Go to www.webtalkradio.net find Relationships 101 and hear this great conversation.

Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth is a HIT!!

2011-10-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

In the last couple of weeks I have written in Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth on the following topics: Seven Deadly Sins Against Relationships; Why Women Love Bad Boys and Jerks; What Makes for Marital Satisfaction?; Could Your Marriage Survive an Affair?; and here is some of the feedback I have received from my subscribers.

Just loving these, and wanted you to know... Heather, October 9, 2011

Dr. Beth! I've been thoroughly enjoying your daily emails, glad I signed up.
Marissa, October 5, 2011

Hi Dr. Beth, Thank you! Such a good article again! Julie, October 6, 2011

Really good -- pulling it together for them! Yes, the one today was really good!!!
Karen, October 3, 2011

Here is a direct link to get to the sign up form. http://tinyurl.com/43q2jt4 just copy and paste this into your browser.

All Bold items are required to be completed including your credit card information before you click on the submit order on the bottom right.
Your credit card will not be charged at this time but will be charged $6.46 at the end of your 30 day free trial.
$0.21 (21 Cents) a day is all it costs in the future to be informed and learn the tools that will help you have a more happy and successful life, career and relationships.

You must protect yourself with reasonable Boundries

2011-09-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

Many people today are either; slightly frazzled, mildly frayed, or full-on exhausted and experience great frustration because of it. But your body, your family, and especially your career require you to set limits so you don’t burn out. Constantly pushing the envelope of what is humanly possible for one person to manage will catch up with you sooner or later, one way or another.

Would you like to learn how Setting Boundaries Can Help You to Protect Your Sanity and Your Relationships and how to create reasonable and proper boundaries? Send me an email with "Setting Boundaries" in the subject line to my email address drbetherickson@aol.com and I will send it to you right away. This expert guide will help you eliminate some of the frustration in your life.

Does Your Relationship Need a Tune Up?

2011-09-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

Deciding whether to go or to stay in a relationship can be challenging indeed. I frequently am asked to help people assess the health and viability of a relationship and to help them decide to invest farther or to cut their losses. I call this “riding shotgun.”

I am somewhat hesitant to reduce this major life dilemma down to checklists. But I acknowledge that people have different learning styles. Also, because making this decision can be so fraught with bewildering emotions, I have chosen to simplify the process as much as I can. What follows is a series of checklists that delineate at least some of the questions to ask yourself as you struggle to answer the question “Should I go or stay in this relationship?”

Would you like to have the “Blueprint to Assess the Viability of Your Intimate Relationship”. Send me an email with that topic in the subject line to my email drbetherickson@aol.com and I will send them to you.

How to Spot a Narcissist

2011-08-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

On my radio show that airs on Monday, August 29th, I introduced the first in a three-part series on narcissists: who they are, how to spot them, why they are so seductive, how to leave them, and how their insatiable desire for adoration makes them so seductive to codependent people.

Narcissists are decidedly a mixed bag. They are very appealing at first. They have a keen interest in charming the opposite sex. They are entertaining and exciting, but they are also aggressive and manipulative. They have a powerful need for attention. There is a strong link between narcissism and physical attractiveness, which is part of their initial charm. There is also a strong connection between narcissism and leadership. Because they are so desirous of admiration and even adoration, they tend to sweep into a leaderless group and take charge.

The more emotionally attached you get, the easier it will be for a narcissist to manipulate you. Often, however, being dazzled by first impressions turns sour because of their manipulativeness, lack of empathy, and demand for adoration.

The following nine characteristics distinguish someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, according to the DSM-IV which is a clinician’s “Bible” for diagnosing disorders. NPD is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power and love
3. Believes s/he is special and unique
4. Requires extensive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is envious of others or believes that others are envious or him/her
9. Shows arrogant or haughty behaviors

Six elements should be noted. 1) There is a fine line between being an extravert and a narcissist. 2) There is such a thing as healthy narcissism which forms a constant, realistic self-interest, mature goals and principles, and an ability to form deep relationships. 3) Healthy narcissism is the antithesis of the insecurity or inadequacy that plague a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 4) A certain amount of narcissism is a required element within normal development. 5) We all are narcissistic to one degree or another. 6) Although there are female narcissists, the majority are males.

Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth

2011-08-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

For more than four and a half years I have been interviewing experts, thought leaders and everyday people on Relationship issues on my internet radio shows. Week after week since 2009, the listeners to my weekly Relationships101 show on WebTalkRadio, have numbered in the 10’s of thousands. That led me to conclude the information I present to my radio audience is considered by my listeners to be valuable enough to devote their precious time. I have come to realize, and many others have told me, that my three and one half decades of learning, teaching and counseling have provided me with a treasure trove of information should be shared with the world.

Receive my Daily Words of Wisdom FREE for 30 days go to http://tinyurl.com/3sqallo

Sharing my insights into what is going on in the world around us is now a reality and my vehicle to share this with you is a subscription-only Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth. I have been working diligently, writing my fingers to the bone to prepare these special offerings for you. It is now ready to launch and to introduce you to the Daily Words of Wisdom of Dr. Beth I am going to give you a 30 DAYS OF THIS VALUABLE INFORMATION FREE!!!

After the first 30 days, the cost is only $1.49 a week and your credit card will be billed $6.46 on the 30th day and for each succeeding 30 days after that. You can start receiving them for yourself now by clicking here. So what are you going to get for this investment of 21 cents a day. Seven days a week in your inbox will be my new post of my Daily Words of Wisdom and they will be an a wide range of topics; Each one will be mind candy for you to chew on as you go about your day.

In those first 30 days I believe you will come to recognize the value of the insights I’m sharing from my 35+ years of learning, teaching, and helping couples, families, and individuals overcome impediments to their happiness and success. I personally believe you will find great value in this product. I invite you to dialogue with me, and even suggest potential topics you’d like me to write about. You may do this either by going to www.AskDrBethErickson.com or by sending me an e-mail at drbetherickson@aol.com.

Because we all march to a different drummer, as they say, you may find that some of my Daily Words of Wisdom messages are more applicable to you than others. That is only natural. I have deliberately varied the topics I write about, so just wait a day or two, and I’ll bet another one will tickle your fancy.

Receive my Daily Words of Wisdom FREE for 30 days go to http://tinyurl.com/3sqallo

NOTE: When you join, you'll receive an acknowledgement email from me and a second email with a confirmation link that you will need to click on to confirm that you want to receive Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth.

You Can Never Have Too Much Information

2011-07-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

It is a truism that you can never have too much information. Given that fact I have after substantial thought and conversations with several people have determined to create a daily letter to those people interested in learning a psychologists take on issues of the day and other valuable insights. I have been working diligently, writing my fingers to the bone to prepare these Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth.

To demonstrate the value of this information I am initially giving it away for free. For the first 30 days after you sign up each morning you will have an article delivered to your inbox.

Features:

• After you sign up, you will receive in your e-mail inbox daily (that means all 7 days a week!) Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth posts written by yours truly on a range of topics of interest.
• They are mind candy for you to chew on as you go about your days.
• For the first 30 days after you sign up, the Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth will be free. In that time, I believe you will come to recognize the value of the insights I’m sharing from my 35+ years of learning, teaching, and helping couples, families, and individuals overcome impediments to their happiness and success.
• After the first 30 days, the cost is only $1.49 a week.
• Your credit card will be billed $6.46 for each succeeding 30-day period.
• You can sign up by going to my web site (http://www.drbetherickson.com/). On the bottom left of Dr. Beth’s home page you will find a link to take you directly to the sign up page.
• If you unsubscribe, you will receive no
more Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth during the free period and if it is during a paid period the daily posts will stop after the final day of the paid period. No refunds will be provided for cancelled subscriptions.
• Of course, I believe you will find great value and will continue. I invite you to dialogue with me, and even suggest potential topics you’d like me to write about. You may do this either by going to www.AskDrBethErickson.com or by sending me an e-mail at drbetherickson@aol.com.
• You may find that some Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth posts are more interesting to you than others. That is only natural. I have deliberately varied the topics I write about, so just wait a day or two, and I’ll bet another one will strike your fancy.

Benefits:

• These Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth posts provide food for thought on a wide range of topics as you go about your daily activities, such as commuting, doing chores, or planning your company’s next initiatives.
• With them, you will be able to capitalize on my over three and a half decades as a practicing psychotherapist on news of the day, such as the self-destruction of the political careers of Anthony Wiener, John Edwards, John Ensign, and Mark Sanford, or the aftermath of the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear plant meltdown in Japan.
• You will also get a psychologist’s perspective on important topics such as the impact on children of their parents’ descent into poverty and homelessness, or on children of incarcerated parents, or the impact of technology on kids’ brain development.
• Likewise, some Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth posts will be on important relationship enhancing skills and how to build them, such as appropriate ways to share feelings, top five secrets for staying in love, the uses and abuses of anger, and talking to children about death.
• Bottom line, you’ll be smarter and better informed on a wide range of topics when you subscribe.
• So let me do your homework for you.

Check out this 30 DAYS ARE FREE exciting offer!!! It’s a subscription-only Daily Words of Wisdom from Dr. Beth SIGN UP TODAY AT (http://tinyurl.com/3rafcld)

Dedicated to your health and happiness,
Dr. Beth

Better Marriages Fiesta in Albuquerque New Mexico

2011-06-30T05:28:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, July 9, at 8:30 am I will be at the Better Marriages Fiesta in Albuquerque New Mexico presenting my Relationship Boot Camp. I will teach you the seven basic skills couples need to learn and practice in order to have a healthy, happy marriage. This workshop will discuss and demonstrate these skills, and allow participants to practice them. To register and learn more about this event go to http://www.bettermarriages.org/

What Is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder?

2011-03-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

On my radio show that airs today, I interview a man who has struggled with Posttraumatic Stress Order (PTSD) since 1979 when the airplane he was flying crashed. I listed a few of the prominent diagnostic indicators of this condition on air and promised that I would post the rest on my web site. Here they are, excerpted from the Diagnostic Criteria from DSM-IV. The DSM is the clinician’s Bible for diagnosing mental illnesses.

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following
were present:

(1)The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.

(2)The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

B. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:

(1)recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions;

(2)recurrent distressing dreams of the event;

(3)acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated);

(4)intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event;

(5)physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma) as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

(1)efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversation associated with the trauma;

(2)efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma;

(3)inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma;

(4)markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities;

(5)feelings of detachment or estrangement from others;

(6)restricted range of affect ( e.g., unable to have loving feelings)

(7)sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span).

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:

(1)difficulty falling asleep;

(2)irritability or outbursts of anger;

(3)difficulty concentrating;

(4)hypervigilance

(5)exaggerated startle response;

E.Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than one month.

F.Disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than three months

Chronic: if duration of symptoms is three months or more

With delayed onset: if onset of symptoms is at least six months after the stressor.

As you look over this list of symptoms of PTSD, imagine the stress that this condition places on the individual who has this illness, as well as on his/her intimate relationship.

Do You Know - Number Two

2010-12-23T13:14:00.000-08:00

DID YOU KNOW . . .

Family spending on a child born in 2009 would total $286,050 by age 17. A two-child family would cost about $600,000.

*Source: Newsweek August 16, 2010

What I don’t know is what makes up that number. Is it only specific expense outlays for the child or does it include a pro rata share of the family vacations, cost of housing, the family car(s) or what? The average annual cost then is $16,853 for a child and $35,294 for two children.

Hard to image any average middle class family having that much money, I would just like to have a breakdown of how those numbers were compiled.

You know the old expression by Mark Twain, “there are lies, damned lies and then there are statistics.

One more U.S. statistic for you to ponder. In 2005, the median personal income for the population age 25 or older was $39,336. (Median means the one in the middle so half of the workers earn less and half of the workers earn more.)

For more information, feel free to contact me at drbetherickson@aol.com or 888-546-1580.

Do You Know - Number One

2010-12-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

DID YOU KNOW . . .

Children who eat dinner with their families at least five times a week are 40 times less likely to be overweight.

I hypothesize that this is because the shared family connection nourishes them far better than sweet or salty snacks.

Ideally, each person gets an opportunity to add to the conversation that goes on around the table. Even babies can be encouraged to join the conversation, even if only gibberish.

A shared family meal gives everyone the vehicle for keeping in touch with each other and therefore, it offers the opportunity to strengthen the fabric of that family’s life. At the same time, it builds the self-esteem and sense of belonging of even the smallest family member.

Failure to Fearless

2010-11-18T13:20:00.000-08:00

YOU HAVE THE POWER!
Discover The Great, Powerful, Passionate, and Purposeful YOU.
Yes, it is a fact of life that we all face failure at times.
SO WHAT!
All of those limiting thoughts, self doubts, and negative patterns knocking around in your brain can change!
Make a POWER CHOICE to change.
http://www.failuretofearless.com/telesummit/Dr_Beth.php
You get to attend and listen for FREE! That is not hype...it is a fact!
If you truly want to change the direction of your thinking today...
Register for FREE NOW:
http://www.failuretofearless.com/telesummit/Dr_Beth.php
You can listen to all 22 interviews for FREE...
In fact, you can attend ALL 22 calls in the Failure to Fearless telesummit series as my GUEST.
Remember, you get to attend and listen for FREE!
The REALLY BIG NEWS is...Suzanna has decided to continue the Failure to Fearless telesummit series
throughout the month of November!
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Groundbreaking Failure to Fearless Series with 22 one-hour sessions…
World renowned speakers and personal success experts and so much more!
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To learn more and to register today, check out the site:
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I promise, you will be AMAZED at what you will learn in every session.
I do hope you take advantage of this opportunity and FREE is a very good price. I am always looking for ways to help change the world and I believe this is one. Empower yourself to take charge of your future. I implore you to invest the time to listen to these teleseminars. Knowledge is priceless.
Dr. Beth

Dr. Beth’s Book Nook

2010-10-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today I am instituting a new feature on my blog called Dr. Beth's Book Nook. Because I get so many wonderful books from potential guests who want to come on my radio show, I have access to some great titles. And that is how I found Chris Tatevosian’s book LIFE INTERRUPTED – IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.

In his memoir, Chris shares what he has learned through his own personal mistakes in being self-absorbed with his own illness. And this, more than anything, destroyed his first marriage.

Chris has had Multiple Sclerosis for thirty years. As a consequence of this dreadful, degenerative disease, he lives his life in a wheel chair and is legally blind. And yet, he remains undaunted.

Through my decades of being a therapist, I can understand the stresses that a chronic physical disability can cause in any relationship, especially when a spouse or loved one becomes a care giver by default. It often isn't practical or affordable to hire care givers. And so the needs required to care for someone with a physical disability often fall on the spouse. It is easier to see the difficulties of the person with the disability, so we may fail to see the stress that this causes on the care giving spouse.

Chris's book openly and honestly discusses these issues and shares many personal examples to support his ideas in the book. It is well-written and worth reading. Even if you are thinking, "This doesn't apply to me," unfortunately any one of us can find ourselves in Chris's situation. In a single second, an accident can place you in a wheel chair, incapacitated for the rest of your life. It even happened to Superman, a.k.a. Christopher Reeve.

You can obtain this book directly from Chris's website at: www.lifeinterrupted-nolonger.com. It truly is a profile in courage.

Live Conversation with Dr. Beth

2010-10-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

People have asked me if there was any way to ask follow up questions after listening to my Relationships 101 conversations on webtalkradio.net.

Because you decide when to listen and there is not a specific day and time I was reluctant to try to have a live call in portion with my show.

Because of you, the listener's interest, I am goingto try this on a test basis I have created a venue where you can call and engage with me live to address issues and answer questions you may have about life, relationships, family, grief theoretical concepts or other emotional concerns.

I invite you to join me for a follow-up to these conversations this Thursday evening October 28, 2020, at 8:00 Eastern 7:00 Central 6:00 Mountain 5:00 Pacific called “Live with Dr. Beth.”

If you would like to attend, please send an e-mail to me at drbetherickson@aol.com.

Put “Talk to Dr. Beth” in the subject line, and we’ll send you the call-in information.

If you would like me to specifically talk with you about a specific issue send me the question in your response email. When I know you are on the call as soon as a natural break occurs I will start discussing with you the issue you provided to me.

I truly hope you can join me. Hope to see you there.

Please feel free to invite others to join these conversations. It is not necessary to be on my mailing list to call in. If you know of a family member or friend who is up against some issue please do invite them to call in.

Just forward a copy of this email to them. I will not have a specific topic but will engage with callers to address their issue regardless of where that takes the conversation.

Dedicated to your health and happiness.

Dr. Beth

What Are Your Biggest Regrets?

2010-10-22T13:02:00.000-07:00

Next month, I will be doing an interview on “Relationships 101” on the topic of regrets. A surprisingly large number of people – 30, to be exact - responded to a query I recently posted asking people what are their regrets. That floored me. In fact, I almost didn’t post that query, thinking I’d probably get only a handful of people responding. Instead, I got a large outpouring of people’s heartfelt answers. It almost felt to me as if I were reading people’s confessions.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. We all have regrets of one kind or another. Maybe we still remember the time we didn’t help someone when we could have. Or when we were curt with a Customer Service representative. Or maybe when we betrayed ourselves by not pursuing our own dreams in the service of someone else’s vision of what our life should be like.

What follows is a list of some of those regrets. See if you recognize yourself in any of them.

• Being banished from the family because of the mistakes I’ve made in my life.
• Letting my Mother’s ideas for me stand in my way.
• Not pursuing my dream of being a drummer in a rock ‘n’ roll band.
• Marrying the wrong person and staying too long.
• Trusting the wrong person who then betrayed my trust.
• Being overly concerned about what others thought of me.
• Doing drugs.
• Neglecting my children until it was too late.
• Not sticking with my goals, dreams, and passions.
• Letting fear rule my life.
• Not going far enough with my education.
• Surviving a life-threatening illness and then spending the next 25 years believing I didn’t deserve to survive.
• Being jealous of my little sister and coming to grips with that too late to make amends.
• Trying to handle my son’s drug addiction on my own.
• Not doing all I could to help workers at Ground Zero after 9/11, which is my biggest personal failing.
• Not being more attentive to a parent before s/he died.
• Not believing in myself.
• Doing too much too young and failing in the process.
• Switching my kids from Catholic schools to public schools.

The task for each of them now is to find a way to understand and to forgive themselves and others who they believe wronged them.

And that’s the hard part.

Hey Control Freak!! - Want to Stop??

2010-09-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

People often ask me, “How can I stop being such a ‘control freak?’”

The first step is to recognize that you are being one. Often, others tend to shy away from those who are being controlling. But those who are controlling don’t often get the message. It is much too subtle for them to discern.

After all, no dialogue is possible with those who insist that “It’s my way or the highway.” Neither is collaboration and mutuality.

Here are some tips and sure signs that you are being controlling.

You know you’re controlling if:
Ten Tip Offs
• You must dominate conversations to avoid feeling invisible
• You enjoy bullying people with your anger
• You have to be “right”
• You constantly feel “swamped”
• You resist learning how to delegate
• You seldom take vacations, and you’re proud of that fact
• You insist on being the center of attention, and if you’re not, you feel deflated and worthless
• You actually believe that no one else can do what you do
• You can’t trust other people to do their job or other tasks they have taken responsibility for, so you micro-manage
• People ask you lots of questions, because they are afraid of doing things “wrong” in your eyes

Once you can see yourself doing these practices you can then figure out what fuels them, it will make it a lot easier for you to stop. The basis most often is from your early childhood so think about what made you uncomfortable when you were young, that is always a good starting point for your development of a controlling personality.

Often people who are married to “control freaks” exhaust themselves trying not to lose themselves. Yes, the ultimate “control freak” controls by violence or threats of violence, intimidation, name calling, sarcasm and put downs. These, of course, wreak havoc on intimate relationships.

Blending Thoughts and Feelings

2010-08-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

“It’s not what happens to us in life.
It’s how we deal with what happens
that counts.”
Dr. Beth Erickson

We’ve all known them: people whose I.Q.s are in the stratosphere but who are dumb as posts. They have no common sense. They lack people skills and consciousness of those around them. A current example of this type of person is the outgoing CEO of British Petroleum, Tony Hayward. He displayed his Mr. Spock-ness when he whined to the national news media that he wants his life back, oblivious to those in the Gulf of Mexico who may never get their lives as they knew them back.

We’ve also known people who seem not to have a brain in their head. Their lives are driven by their emotions without the tempering provided by standing back and evaluating their options from a realistic perspective. Actor and current newsmaker, Lindsay Lohan, could be the poster child for this type of person when she acts out her adolescent temper tantrums.

As in anything, operating at either extreme is precarious.

My definition of a mentally healthy person is one who is able to think and feel at the same time. Yes, I know that doing this can be very difficult to do, especially when feelings run high such as in a heated argument with your spouse. But it can be done. And people are well-advised to learn to do just that.

Being able to blend the two allows people to use their feelings as a valuable data source that leads to sound decision making and eventually a satisfying future.

My guest this coming week on "Relationships 101" to discuss this topic with me is Suzanna Abbott, creator of a series of telesummit interviews called from Failure to Fearless. She interviewed a group of people, including yours truly, on their stories of going from failing to being fearless. It could be said that her panel of experts can use a blend of the two.

The abuse of parishioners by clergy is a hot topic today. But did you know that members of the clergy also are abused by parishioners?

Rev. Jackie O’Neal speaks with me on the topic of clergy killers. Not literal killings, but emotionally abusing them so that clergy are forced out of the ministry at the rate of 1 every 6 minutes in the U.S. A primary cause of this is parishioners whose problems with authority are acted out upon the religious leader who represents the Ultimate Authority.

Join me on Monday after noon 8/16 on www.webtalkradio.net or Tuesday 8/17 at 6:00 p.m. Eastern time on WWPR 1490AM in Sarasota, FL.

I hope you enjoy the show.

From Failure to Fearless!

2010-08-12T21:15:00.000-07:00

When Thomas Edison was trying to create the electric light a newspaper man from New York City came to his Lab in Menlo Park and asked him how many different experiments he had tried. His response was well over 1200. When asked by the reporter how can you continue to pursue this after that many failures and Thomas Edison replied. I have not had a single failure. I have proven conclusively more than 1200 ways that absolutely do not work.

On Monday, August 16, on webtalkradio.net I have a conversation with Suzanna Abbott on from failure to fabulous. Some very important points are made but failure is more than an event that occurs in one’s life. If you have tried to master some sport and have discovered you do not have the ability to be good at it, you have not failed to learn the sport. Like Edison you have discovered positively that you need to employ your skills and talents in another arena.

No one is a failure if you give your very best but still do not accomplish your goal. A failure is someone that wished to do something but never risks starting toward that goal because they fear they will not be successful. Regardless of what you desire you must take the responsibility of trying to achieve it or you will be a failure and it is always self-imposed.

Adopt the Edison attitude and try everything until you find your personal niche. We are not all born equal in physical agility, muscle mass, intelligence and most other human skills. Just because you can’t dunk a basketball doesn’t mean you cannot enjoy the game

Listen in on Monday afternoon in Chicago to learn more of From Failure to Fearless. Here is the link. http://tinyurl.com/yzxnexy

Life and Death Matters

2010-07-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

Last week, Paul and I called our grandchildren’s other grandmother whom they lovingly call “Grandma Kansas.” We had seen her a month ago at our great-grandson’s first birthday party, and she didn’t look or sound good. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer about three years ago that had metastasized into her other breast and then into her lungs. Shortly after that visit, our granddaughter called to tell us that Grandma Kansas’ doctor told her that she had between three weeks and three months to live.

Then maddeningly, after allowing her to stew on his prognosis, he told her he had one more treatment he could try. I wondered why he would do that, when he had already had told her the wonders of American medicine, at least as he practiced it, could do no more for her. She had already told him and her family that she was tired of fighting. I surmise he was fighting his own battle with the helplessness he must have felt when he could not cure her or at least prolong her life. Or less benignly, he may have been practicing aggressive medicine to protect against a lawsuit.

As we spoke last evening, she told me about her plans for her funeral, that she wanted to be cremated, and to whom she would donate her few things. She spoke in such a matter of fact way that I wondered if she were resigned to her fate, or in serious denial. But since our only connection is through our shared grandchildren and not by blood or through mutual friendship, I felt I could only offer her the opportunity to share what she wanted to and leave it at that. I didn’t feel I had permission to ask more. I only wanted to offer her the comfort of knowing that she was in my thoughts and prayers.

My offering was precious little I know, but it was what I could do from four states away.
It is a universal human need to know that we make a difference, that our lives matter. That was the major message I attempted to convey last night. I hope I succeeded.

And many times, that’s enough.

Caring for a Chronically Ill Spouse

2010-07-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

My mentee and friend, Chris Tatevosian, has had Multiple Sclerosis for thirty years now. Diagnosed when he was in college, he now is legally blind and spends his days in a wheel chair. Despite this, miraculously the assistance he receives from services for the blind allow him to use his computer. He co-hosts a radio show on blogtalkradio on coping with chronic pain, and is a lively and engaging host. I know. He and his co-host interviewed me on their show a month ago or so. He is relaxed, comfortable, and funny.

But it was not always like this.

It is natural, when you have a chronic illness, especially one as pernicious as MS, to become self-absorbed and self-pitying. After all, you have significant limitations that make it difficult for you to do what others take for granted, like a morning shower. If you drop something on the floor, you are unable to retrieve it yourself. And your day-to-day activities are severely limited.
In his book Life Interrupted – It’s Not All about Me, details how his preoccupation and self-absorption destroyed his first marriage. Not only that, as happens to many caregivers, his first wife gained massive amounts of weight and eventually was diagnosed with cancer herself presumably from the stress of caring for her seriously ill husband. What had begun as a story book marriage ended in divorce.

Chris details all the lessons he learned from that unfortunate experience in his book Life Interrupted – It’s Not All about Me. He has gone from being a self-pitying chronically ill man to someone who exudes kindness and love for others. He truly is a magnificent human being.

If you want to be inspired, or wish to have more information about Chris, to contact him, or to purchase his book, go to www.lifeinterripteditsnotallaboutme.com. You won’t be disappointed.

Going Terrestrial

2010-06-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have some fantastic news!

My radio show, “Relationships 101,” which currently is heard on www.webtalkradio.net, is about to be heard on terrestrial radio. It will air on WWPR 1490 AM in Sarasota, FL from 9:00 – 10:00 EDT beginning on July 14th. I am thrilled, because this is a prime radio time slot, and because this is the first concrete step toward syndicating my show.

Yes, you can still tune in to my show on www.webtalkradio.net where it will air as well. However, WWPR also will broadcast my show over the Internet. And after we’ve been on for 6 to 7 weeks, they will poll their listeners to see if they liked the show. So perhaps if you tune in to WWPR when it streams over the Internet, I might be fortunate enough for them to call you and other members of my caring community to ask for your opinion of the show.

I would not have been able to do this show as well as I do or get as far as I have without my coach and mentor, Brad Saul. Allow me to brag on him a bit. He owns Matrix Media, the parent company of webtalkradio.net. He earned both his undergraduate and master’s degrees in Radio and Television at Northwestern University. In addition, he earned a law degree at Chicago’s Loyola University, although he has never practiced law, he says, because he hasn’t known any happy lawyers. He also sits on Northwestern’s university-wide admissions committee. He readily admits that he “bleeds purple,” the school’s color. Just imagine being mentored by someone who has been in the radio biz for 30 years and who has that knowledge and skill! I indeed am privileged. There is no doubt that I wouldn’t be where I am were it not for Brad’s tutelage.

All my life, I have had the rather modest goal of wanting to change the world. (I hope you’re smiling.) And I have been tilting at windmills like Don Quixote my whole professional life. My goal now is to take “Relationships 101” national by syndicating it. I untimately intend to become a kinder, gentler version of Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil.

I would so appreciate your sending me your blessings.

Family Pets Can Teach You How To Grieve

2010-06-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

Robert McCartney of the Washington Post wrote an Op Ed piece reprinted in the Minneapolis Star Tribune on Tuesday, June 22. It was entitled, “A Best Friend’s Final Gift.” McCartney at first didn’t want to be present when his old and sick dog had to be euthanized. In fact, he didn’t even want the dog in the first place. “I did not want anyone to see my tears.” He did not want anyone to watch his fall from manhood as tears rolled down his cheeks.

McCartney wrote, “I avoid funerals, adept as finding reasons why it’s too inconvenient to go. But in the last hour or so I spent with Brooks [the dog], I came to recognize what I’d been avoiding – feelings of sorrow and loss.”

“Keep a stiff upper lip, you will get over it very soon, it was probably the best thing, and she was just a dog” are all admonitions by well-meaning people who attempt to have us stop being sad at our loss. In fact what they do is give us permission not to face our loss, if we heed them. This also prevents our grieving as we should, in order to be psychologically healthy.

My radio show, “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net, which will be posted next Monday, June 28, is a conversation with Judy Mandel, author of the book Replacement Child. This book details the impact on one woman of her parents’ failure to grieve the loss of their child who died in a plane crash. Their “solution” which helped them to avoid their grief was to have Judy as a replacement for the lost child instead. Anything to avoid grieving. In doing so, however, they created an intolerable burden for Judy to live up to a phantom child.

Loss is a profound and deep experience. The more attached we are to the lost individual, the deeper the grief. And failure to effectively grieve simply allows grief to steal remnants of a “normal life” and hold them prisoner forever. In Longing For Dad, in print for more than 12 years and available at Amazon.com, I detail the devastating impact of unresolved loss.

Grief is a natural process that needs to be felt and effectively dealt with, in order to be mentally, psychologically, and spiritually healthy.

Why There Will Always Be Cougars

2010-05-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

Cougar is the current slang term for women who date younger men. On my most recent radio show (http://tinyurl.com/yzxnexy), I interviewed a woman who has had a dickens of a time meeting a man her age or older who also is her intellectual peer. This woman is a divorced eye surgeon, and she’s seeking a male partner who has some kind of professional degree. She has not found anyone age-appropriate, so she has begun dating younger men out of necessity.

A little research explains why men date older women and women frequently date people substantially younger than themselves.

For the past half century in the United States, there have been on average 1050 boys for each 1000 girls born each year. According to Census Bureau statistics, the number of boys compared to girls continually decreases until at the age group of 30-34 when women outnumber men.

In the U. S. by ages 20 to 29, there are 623,000 more men than women. And by ages 30-39, women outnumber men by 262,000. And it just gets more challenging as people get older.

For a woman of 40, that means that there are not enough men to provide a partner for her and every other woman in her age group. So dating a younger man may become necessary if she choses not to be alone.

Men, on the other hand, seek younger partners as well, not because of demographic imperatives, but because of ego. Young and beautiful trophy brides seem to be more than happy to be seen in a BMW or Mercedes gifted to them by an older gentleman. This just makes matters more difficult for women who are their age mates.

If you are a woman over 40 and looking for a mate who is your educational and intellectual equal, good luck. The disparity between men and women educationally grows every year. Substantially more than half of the advanced and professional degrees are awarded to women today.

Besides, as Safire, the Uppity Blues Woman, sings in her song “Middle Aged Blues Boogie”:

“Well seems like men my age are all married, boring or tired…
Got to find a young man if you want to feel desired
Now some of my friends are worried ‘bout what some people might say
I say ‘age ain’t nothin’ but a number.’ The good Lord made it that way.”

In addition, the chances of spending time as widow are reduced, since men generally die sooner by at least 5 years than women. So ladies, I hereby grant permission to get out there and go find an appropriate “youngun.”

Second Chances

2010-05-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

Currently, in the United States, $14.6 billion is spent on moms every Mother’s Day. That number is second only to the Christmas holidays. I can believe it. Mothers have such a major and important role in shaping our character and personalities.

While I still had the option to have a child, I chose for a host of reasons not to do so. Chief of all the factors is that I watched my favorite sister struggle with having had 4 babies in 2 ½ years - by the time she was 20 ½. Although she loved each and all of them dearly, I could see how mightily she struggled to take care of them and the house, prescriptions for a good wife in the 1950’s and the 60's. I would take the school bus to her house at least once a week to help her, and all I would do was iron clothes. This was also a time long before permanent press fabric and where a good wife starched and ironed all of the family’s clothes, including sheets and tee shirts. Because my sister couldn’t keep up with everything even with my help, on my arrival, I usually would locate the sprinkled clothes in the freezer where they would have been put to avoid their molding before one of us could iron them.

There is no doubt that her example was my best lesson in planned parenthood. I just didn’t think I would have the wherewithal to be a mother and to manage my studies and meet my life goals, too.

However, when I met and married my husband Paul, I got a second chance. Paul has three adult children from his first marriage. From two of these kids, we have five grandchildren, one great-grandson who will turn one year old in a couple of weeks, and the unrelated half brother to two of our favorites who asked, “Grandma, will you be my Grandma?” There was no way I could refuse that request, nor did I even consider it.

If you think kids will eat your heart out as a parent, just wait until you become a grandparent! I would give these kids anything and do anything for them. I joke, “You want a car? Sure, I’ll get you a car. What kind do you want? You want a trip around the world? I’ll hire a travel agent immediately.” Of course, I am exaggerating. But that is genuinely my emotion. I can’t seem to say “I love you” enough and give and get enough hugs and kisses. And I am over the moon when one of them calls just to talk. And when Tristan, now 13, calls us “my most precious grandparents,” my heart swells with love for him and for all of them.

Paul’s willingness to share his grandchildren and the children’s receptivity to me bring a very special dimension to my life. As any grandparent knows, being a grandparent is one of God’s greatest gifts. In fact, it’s a little bit of heaven on earth for which I am incredibly grateful.

In Honor of Mother's Day

2010-04-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

This year, I decided to do something I’ve never done before on my radio show. For both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, I am hosting a three-part series of conversations on “Relationships 101” leading up to each holiday. If money spent is an indicator of importance, $14.6 billion spent on Mother’s Day every year. This is second only to the Christmas holidays.

The first in the series is a conversation that was posted this last Monday with Dr. LeslieBeth Wish. She is a marriage and family therapist based in Sarasota, Fl, and her family therapy training was virtually identical to mine. So we had great fun sharing our mutual knowledge and being on the same wave length with each other. The “marching orders” I gave here were to provide an overview on why there often tends to be so much conflict in mother-daughter relationships. In broad brush strokes, some of the reasons are competition for the father's attention or to be the fairest one of all, jealousy at the daughter’s youth, the mother’s displacing her anger at herself onto her daughter, and the daughter using conflict as a tool to separate and individuate from her mother. You’ll have to tune in to the show to hear the rest.

This coming Monday the conversation is from the mother’s perspective about what parenting a daughter can be like. I spoke with Julie Pech who intuitively is just plain a good mom. She gives her 14 year-old daughter and 12 year-old son the freedom to explore and discover who they are while still helping them learn self-discipline. And she doesn't smother them. She shared stories and offered hints about how to be a good mother who acknowledges her children’s individuality while still providing structure for them.

The third in the series will air on the Monday before Mother’s Day. It features a conversation with a woman whose mother was harsh with her children because she was frustrated with her life. It seems she was born a generation too soon. My guest is Karel Murray, who talks about how, when she was 26 years old, she took charge of her relationship with her mother so that eventually, they would develop a loving connection out of what otherwise could have been a lifelong disaster for both women. She describes the before and after of this very important relationship and offers suggestions for my listeners regarding how she went about creating the relationship the two women finally had before the mother’s death.

Tune in to hear each of these fascinating stories from the perspective of both mothers and daughters. My shows are posted every Monday afternoon and three times throughout that week. But don’t worry if you can’t listen in live. Shows remain in the archives for three months. So there are plenty of opportunities.

Join me at “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net.

It Happened Again

2010-04-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

Last week, I received an e-mail that left me with a lump in my throat as I read it. When people reach out to me almost begging for my help to resolve a loss, particularly of their father, that is how I typically respond. Tears actually rolled down my checks as I read an e-mail from another man from Dubai who later became a phone client. His father had left home for another Middle Eastern country to work when my client was two years old, and he seldom saw his father again. As we worked, he described in great detail the crippling depression that clouded most of his childhood and how, most nights, he would cry himself to sleep all alone. Clearly, his was a cry unheard.

Last week, the e-mail began, “I have been studying your book Longing for Dad, and I think it may be the key to a lifetime of inability to create either a career or a personal life for myself in spite of a professional degree and all the effort I’ve been able to muster. . . . Your book has given me the specific insights I have been searching for for decades. . . . You’re the only one who has opened those specifics up to me. If you can help me come to resolution, I’ll do whatever it takes.” He even suggested a willingness to temporarily relocate to Minneapolis in order to work with me. Talk about desperation! I told him that would not be necessary, and that weekly phone calls and a face-to-face meeting on a weekend would suffice.

I truly am honored when I am approached like this. Partly because I am thrilled that my book is still having an impact 12 years after its release. And partly because I know what father loss and being left alone with it are like, having experienced that myself. And partly because it is my life’s work, my mission, to end pain for people who are suffering.

With Father’s Day fast approaching, if you are among the walking wounded damaged by your father’s literal or emotional absence, give yourself the gift of resolving your emotions, regardless of the circumstances that caused it. Mind you, it will be very challenging and difficult. But it can be done. And I would be honored to help.

Feel free to contact me to set up a complimentary initial consultation.

The Promise and Perils of Internet Dating

2010-04-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

Fun Facts
• 30% of America’s 80 million baby boomers are single.
• U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004 and over $500 million in 2005. No doubt the number is even higher now.
• Online dating sites comprise the largest segment of paid content, other than pornography, on the Internet.
Let me get something out of the way from the get-go. My husband and I met on line. He had been on the ‘net looking for me for about three years. I had only been online for about three months when he spotted my profile and wrote to me.
Although we had lived only 6 or 7 minutes away from each other for two years, our paths had never crossed. Not at the post office, nor at the grocery store, or on a walking trail. We simply never would have met were it not for the Internet. To say we are both grateful for this modern day Yenta would be a gross understatement. Clearly, it has helped us find the level of happiness, contentment, mutuality, and comfort we have searched for for decades. To make matters even sweeter, in marrying Paul, I gained six grandchildren and one great grandchild, each of whom, of course, is the best thing since sliced bread.
I had such a lovely conversation this week with Lynn Lorberg on her online dating experiences for my radio show, “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net. That segment will air this Monday, April 12th and I invite any online daters or those contemplating it to tune in.
So I decided to offer some tips on how to maximize the opportunity that Dating 2.0 provides while protecting yourself from its pitfalls. I recognize that these suggestions are common sense. However, because it is easy to get swept up in fantasies of who others are and of the relationship you could have, so take a good long look at them anyway.
Tips for Maximizing the Opportunity Internet Dating Provides
• Do not misrepresent yourself in your profile just because you think that will make you more attractive to a potential mate. While doing so is certainly unfair to people reading your profile, you are short changing and undermining yourself.
• Be clear in your profile about who you are and what you are looking for in the other person. For example, my radio guest, Lynn Lorberg, comes out and tells potential suitors, “I’m a petite blonde. If what you’re looking for is a leggy brunette, I’m not for you. And that’s okay.”
• Be respectful of other people’s time just as you would expect them to be of yours. If you mislead people by lying about who you are, you are wasting everyone’s time. And it’s not rocket science to say that no solid relationship can be built on a foundation of lies.
• Don’t post a photo of yourself when you were decades younger or had a full head of hair. This only will mislead. Misleading snuffs out any possibilities for a genuine relationship before it has a chance to generate sparks. And as Shakespeare said, “The truth will out.”
• Get good at asking questions of a potential suitor. Then sit back and listen carefully to the answers you get. Do the words and the music go along? Do the answers you get pass the smell test?
• Even if all of the people you meet on line aren’t potential suitors because of distance or any number of other good reasons, if you have been honest and respectful with each other, you just may have made some friends in the process.
• Develop your intuition. Your gut can become a very reliable guide in the choices you make. Learn to recognize when your fists clench or you get a headache or your mind drifts off. These are messages that something just doesn’t feel right. You may not know immediately what those unconscious messages are telling you. But you’ll need to figure it out.
Strategies for Protecting Yourself from Its Perils
• E-mail before you talk on the phone, and talk before you meet face to face.
• When you do decide to meet, do so at a coffee shop or other public place where you are known and there are others around. Having a cup of coffee isn’t the major time commitment that having dinner together is. This will give you a graceful out if you simply don’t click. Do not be afraid to excuse yourself and leave as soon as you know it is senseless to continue.
• Don’t take it personally if someone you think might be dandy is just not into you. There is no point in trying to force the ugly stepsister’s shoe into Cinderella’s glass slipper. In fact, be grateful for this realization.
• Don’t confuse a virtual relationship for a real face-to-face one. Sooner or later, you will need to meet in order for both of you to gauge the level of chemistry between you. It does not take long before you know that a room full of chemists could not make you effervesce. Be sure to meet only when both of you are ready and do not allowed yourself to be pressured to meet before you are truly ready. Someone seeking a true partner will not be in a great rush.
• Get the other person’s home and office numbers. If s/he balks at giving them both to you and only wants you to have a cell number, there’s a pretty good chance this is a married person on the prowl. In which case, simply say, “Next!”
• For you ladies, when it is time for a real night out and not simply meeting someone for a glass of wine after work or a walk in the park insist on driving your own car. This way should the evening really turn bad you can simply leave.
• If you are young and less experienced with dating, you will need to be more cautious than you would be if you are dating, say, someone in your English class or who is a member of your church, mosque or synagogue, or whom your aunt knows.
• Chances are, the people you meet online will be complete strangers where there is no way to vet them other than by how they conduct themselves with you. If anything at all doesn’t feel right, or if things just don’t add up, honor your gut feelings and don’t pursue a relationship with this person.
Tune in to my conversation with Lynn Lorberg next Monday, April 12th on “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net. You’ll be glad you did. And as always, remember that I offer a complimentary consultation on an issue of your choosing. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to arrange this.

The Effects of Transgenerational Patterns

2010-03-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received a frantic call from a gentleman with whom I have been consulting for a couple of months. His urgency was not for himself. Rather, it was for his twenty-something son. “Doc, I gotta get him in to see you as soon as you can schedule it.”

It seems that his son is living with a woman whose rage and violence against him are escalating drastically. For example, in one of their recent fights, she hurled a huge pot of spaghetti at him. And he woke up the next morning to find that she had stabbed a butcher knife through his pillow and cut up his clothes. The father’s alarm was certainly justified!

Since I have not yet met with the young man, I can only speculate on the contributors to violence in his relationship and his impotence to do anything about it. However, I know from the father that the older man grew up in a household where violence was the norm. And since the older man was the oldest of three, he bore the brunt of his parents’ frustration and mistrust that was expressed through rage and accusations. For example, one time when the older man was about 7 years old, his mother stabbed a fork into his forearm so far that it stood up by itself. Although not a daily occurrence the way the parents’ brawls were, instances like this were not all that rare, either.

The older man originally had sought my help to try to end his marriage to a woman who nightly gets drunk, swears at him, throws dishes at him, and berates him. In our meetings, at least a dozen times, he has shaken his head incredulously and said, “I don’t know why I married her. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I married her.” So I began probing to help him answer that question. When he began telling me his story, he was shocked and amazed when I pointed out that he had married a woman just like his mother.

Furthermore, because he had never resolved the abuse he witnessed and was the brunt of in his childhood, that pattern came down the generations to his own son. So it seemed normal somehow for him, too, to be with a violent woman.

Am I saying it is my client’s fault that his son is in this untenable situation? No. Absolutely not. But he does bear some responsibility for not having cleaned up the psychological mess his parents’ misery created in him. Unfortunately, in that both of his parents died forlorn and alone, he is unable to face his parents directly regarding his maltreatment. So it’s up to him to come to terms with his childhood traumas so his son can face and handle his own untenable situation. Then in both instances, we can see what can be done to improve their relationships or leave them.

Am I saying that the son will be unable to leave his relationship unless his dad leaves his? We’ll see. But I can tell you this much. It would be a whole lot easier for him if his dad were to lead the way.

When well-meaning people advise others to put the past in the past, this advice translates to “ignore it and hope it goes away.” However, the only way to genuinely put the past in the past is to turn towards it, face it, and resolve the feelings and thoughts surrounding it.

For those who would like some expert assistance to do just that, I am offering two weekend events to help people get unstuck in their lives and move forward unencumbered by past events, some of which have already receded into their unconscious mind. In this instance, what you don’t know will hurt you.

One will be held on May 15 and 16 in Ocala, FL, and the other in Minneapolis, MN on May 22 and 23.

The beauty of doing this work in a group is that participants will have the love and support not only of me, but also of the other group members to help each of them resolve their issues. Or at least they’ll get a darned good start at it. The primary reason that traumas go unresolved is because people assume they would have to experience it alone. The best part of working on tough issues in a group facilitated by someone with expertise is that finally, they don’t have to go it alone.

Won’t you consider please joining us? Spring is a beautiful time of year to give yourself a fresh start. Of course, if you want further information, feel free to call my toll-free number: 888-546-1580. I stand ready to help.

Mental and Emotional Spring Cleaning

2010-03-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

Spring is a time of renewal, of starting fresh. A time of looking back to move forward in some qualitatively new directions. Yet too many people take their emotional old, no longer useful “clothes” with them into summer, fall, and the next winter like last year’s parka and snow pants.

At least once a season, I go through my closets. I sort my clothes, shoes, belts and handbags into a pile to give away, a pile to take to consignment, and a pile I want to keep. You’ve guessed it. The pile that I either consign or give away is stuff that I have to face the truth about: I simply am never going to wear the stuff. Either I’ve outgrown it, (drat!), or I no longer need it or like it.
I always feel lighter, less encumbered somehow, when I have completed this arduous task, having procrastinated on it long enough.

So it is with mental and emotional spring cleaning. And yet, too few people do this. They continue to take their emotional winter clothes with them year after year, in the form of outworn defenses and no-longer-useful thought processes.
For example, people who are stuck in their lives likely are at an impasse because of a trauma that hasn’t been resolved. Or an early decision they have made as a result of an experience that they have promised themselves never to repeat. This is the best self-protection that children can come up with because they are capable only of concrete reasoning.

According to the great Swiss psychologist, Jean Piaget, children aren’t capable of abstract reasoning until they are in their mid-teens. Concrete reasoning means that children are not capable of questioning their thoughts. They just unquestioningly think them. So if a child concludes that Mom and Dad got a divorce because s/he was a bad girl or bad boy, they carry that with them on an unconscious level until they are helped to raise that early decision to the level of consciousness. Then they can make a new, decision that is less damaging to their growth and development. This is a graphic example of an early decision run amuck and then corrected – spring cleaning at its best.

What lurks in the cob webs of your mind that needs to be brushed away? What hides in the dark corners that need to be faced and put to rest so you are no longer held back? What baggage is in your trunk of unhappy memories? Finding and putting these archaic experiences is essential. Otherwise, they will continue to haunt you and overshadow your ability to live the life. Then you will continue living someone else’s life, not your own.

In May, I am offering two opportunities to help you “spring clean.” The first will be on an acreage in Ocala, FL, on May 15th and 16th. The second will be held in Minneapolis, MN, at the lovely 1893 Nicollet Island Inn, on the banks of the mighty Mississippi River on May 22nd and 23rd. At each of these events, I will guide your mental and emotional spring cleaning.

For more information, visit my web site, www.drbetherickson.com. Click on Services and then Group Consultations on the left. This will allow you to access a video where I explain about the Florida Consultation Group and read specific details. The Minneapolis group will be a mirror image of the experience in Florida.

And of course, call my toll free number, 888-546-1580

Dr. Beth

What Makes a Marriage Successful?

2010-03-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

This week’s show on “Relationships 101” on http://www.webtalkradio.net was an animated and fascinating discussion with Doctors Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz on ingredients of a successful marriage.

Here’s what made the conversation so interesting.
1. For starters, this power couple has been married to each other for 43 years and counting. And they plan to make it to their Golden Anniversary.
2. They have interviewed over 1000 couples on 6 continents in over 70 cities, and they’re not done yet.
3. The first criterion the couples they interviewed for their qualitative research project had to meet was being married for at least 30 years.
4. Once they met that criterion, the Schmitzes had a standard interview protocol that allowed them to determine if these marriages were successful, or merely long.
5. If they were deemed successful, then the interview proceeded.

The results of their work are summarized in their recent book, Building a Love That Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage.

On the show, I challenged them on areas where I thought our work and perspectives differed. For example, in none of their examples did I read their views on the importance of effectively resolving conflict to a successful marriage. While they acknowledged that they, too, occasionally fight, their relationship and those of the couples they interviewed were peaceful the majority of the time. And so is my marriage. However, I absolutely know that couples who refuse to fight never enjoy the depth of intimacy that is possible when couples can fight fairly and successfully work through their inevitable differences.

Tune in to this week’s show on “Relationships 101” on webtalkradio.net. Here’s the link. http://tinyurl.com/yzxnexy

Enjoy the show. And don’t worry if you can’t listen live. Shows remain in the webtalkradio.net archives for 3 months.

Dismantling Defensive Scaffolding

2010-03-06T05:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I blogged about Having the Guts to Allow Someone to Love You. And I promised an article on how to dismantle the defenses you erected in order to keep yourself safe. Of course, these steps are much easier said than done. So be patient with yourself.

Although these remarks are in the context of having the courage to accept love, the process I am outlining here can be applied to dismantling defenses in general.

Let’s suppose that you have finally seen that you are in your own way when it comes to receiving love. Then what? How do you change that?

Step 1: Realize that you react defensively, knee-jerk style when a spouse or partner shows their love toward you.

Step 2: Develop an observing ego. Do this by metaphorically learning to sit on your own shoulder and watch yourself interact.

Step 3: Initially, you probably will realize you have reacted defensively sometime after the fact. That’s okay. This realization will be a major building block to your ability to stop the pattern.

Step 4: Even when you notice yourself reacting defensively, it is unlikely that you will be able to stop yourself at first. But it is important that you notice your patterned response. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’ll get better.

Step 5: Finally, you will be able to see yourself reacting defensively when you are in the middle of it. This allows you to back up and start again. Now you can choose a better, more functional reaction.

Here’s a caveat. If you are emotionally invested in a relationship with someone who fits this description, ask yourself an important question. What’s in it for me that I choose to love someone who is emotionally unavailable?

Remember this: It’s a lot easier to want than to have.

Having the Guts To Let Someone Love You

2010-03-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

Have you ever tried to love someone who was bound and determined not to allow it? I have. It sure is frustrating, even infuriating, isn’t it?

Since to love and be loved is a universal human need, it surely isn’t reasonable and logical for anyone to reject love. But on a whole other level, it makes perfect sense. This concept is counterintuitive. Let me explain.

People who are afraid to be loved suffer from a very deep intimacy fear. But they don’t know they are afraid. This is because the reasons they got this way have long since passed into their unconscious mind. This is especially true if the situation that created this logjam happened in their childhood.

Keeping themselves at arm’s length from anyone who offers love serves to insulate them so effectively that they don’t even recognize that they are afraid. They just “know” they are easily irritated about this, or feel self-righteous about that because they believe they can’t trust anyone.

Perhaps the most precarious part about trying to relate to these people is that the more you attempt to give them love, the more they will fight you, rejecting your attempts. This often becomes a crazy-making pattern. This allows them to build the wall brick by brick that they hope will keep them “safe.” Never mind it’s a lonely, empty, frightening existence. But at least they can’t get hurt this way, they often reason however unconsciously.

It takes courage to allow yourself to be loved, because it tends to stir up childlike feelings of dependency. Along with this are powerful feelings of fear, which is the reason people develop this counter dependent response in the first place. The unconscious rationale for their defensiveness is, if you just don’t allow someone to really love you, you’ll never become dependent and can never be let down.

The bottom line is that when these defenses were constructed, they were an early decision designed for survival. However, these defensive strategies no longer serve them in adulthood. Therefore, these self-protective barriers need to be dismantled. Check back on my blog tomorrow to see how to go about doing that. Clearly, it is easier said than done.

A baby step to get you started is to follow the advice of Martha Beck in a recent issue of O The Oprah Magazine. She wrote, “Every time life brings you to a crossroads, from the tiniest to the most immense, go toward love, not away from fear.”

More tomorrow.

Challenging Workplace Relationships

2010-02-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

There are many energy vampires in the workplace. People who run around like Chicken Little proclaiming, “The sky is falling!” Whiners who incessantly complain about how they’ve been wronged by a boss, co-worker, or family member. And yet, they attempt no constructive solutions. Chatterboxes who talk incessantly and say nothing because they are anxious and don’t know constructive ways to bind their anxiety. And then there are bullies. And it makes matters much worse when those bullies are bosses. These "leaders" have managed to bamboozle someone higher up about their qualifications to lead. And where they exercise their “leadership” the most is in creating a highly toxic environment.

Toxic bosses regularly set team members up for failure, blaming them when they can’t accomplish the impossible. They empower people, who are already difficult enough to work with, to become impossible.

And yet who can simply quit their job in this recession?

Many times, people want to help make the situation better, but they don’t know how. This is particularly true when they are not in a position of power on the job. These employees must grapple with questions such as:

• What happens when you have a big blow up with someone you work with, but you have to continue working with them? How do you do that? Is it even possible?

• What about having ongoing tension or conflict with someone you work directly or indirectly with. How do you manage that?

• How do you collaborate if you're being forced into a situation where you have to work with an old nemesis? Do you set aside old grievances and the knowledge you have about this person to start over again for the good of the team? Is that even possible?

It can be precarious to blow the whistle to upper management. But there are times to do so and clearly, there are times not to do this. But how does the average employee know which is which? How can they be constructive without jeopardizing their own job?

Today, I have started a discussion group on LinkedIn to tackle workplace issues such as these called Challenging Workplace Relationships. Please join me in reading the comments and adding your own questions and opinions. Let’s make this a useful discussion group for folks who are struggling to connect with those who have constructive suggestions and solutions.

And please join me on March 8th on “Relationships 101” on www.webtalkradio.net when I interview Roger Hall, an executive who literally spent his career traveling the world helping companies to neutralize their toxic, conflict-ridden work environments. We will specifically focus on coping with bullies in the workplace.

You won't want to miss these interesting and essential conversations.

We’re Not Raising Our Children; Society Is

2010-02-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday on my radio show, “Relationships 101,” I interviewed psychotherapist J.E. Wright, author of The Sexualization of America’s Kids. He specializes in treating children and adolescents who have been victimized by the sexualized messages with which they are bombarded daily. Unfortunately, those messages generally are not from their parents or other responsible adults. Rather, they come from television, their peers wwho are just as confused as they are, the Internet, social media and MTV. And the more parents are unaware of this, the more they are unable to appropriately protect their children from this barrage of distorted messages.

One of the net effects of this situation is that these media have contorted children’s barometer of what is normal. “Dials” on kids’ heads that once told them what was normal and what was not, when it comes to sex and sexuality, have been twisted into a new normal. And that new normal isn’t all that healthy, unless parents intervene and offer alternatives to the messages their kids receive from the culture. Too often, the result is sexting, random oral sex parties, and skiddle parties where kids set out whatever drugs they can get their hands on like adults set out chips and dip.

What is a parent to do? Parents, take heart. There are several things you can do to prevent your kids being confused and programmed by sexually titillating material with which they are inundated. One is to teach your kids about normal sexuality at home by modeling it. For example, it can be helpful to step from the shower to your bedroom naked. This helps children realize the nude body is not so mysterious. Have conversations with children about what they think of a particular commercial and why they think sexy, beautiful women frequently are seen in car commercials. Regularly dialogue with their kids from the time they are young, even though they most likely will be uncomfortable and resistant at first. If so, ask if you can talk with them about it in a few days. This lets them know that you are interested in talking with and listening to them without it disintegrating into a fight.

If that doesn’t work and if a child begins to act out his confusion at school or with other children, it is essential that you seek professional help. Otherwise, this dangerous behavior can become a calcified pattern that your child may well bring into adulthood. Then the consequences of this confusion may be much more significant and dangerous.

Be sure to tune in to “Relationships 101” next Monday, when I will speak with psychotherapist Jeff Ford on “Internet Addiction.”

"A Lot of Forgiveness Goin’ On!"

2010-02-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

As I wrote in my last blog entry, I conducted an extended session with a young man who flew in from the East Coast. He sought my help to resolve issues created by the untimely death of his father when my client was 15. Unfortunately, his father’s dying was not the worst of it. Rather, it was the silence of both of his parents’ before and the continuing virtual silence of the mother afterward. For all of them, there was an elephant in the room that everyone walked around, as the teenage boy withdrew farther into himself.

The young man arrived in Minneapolis on Friday morning ready to get down to brass tacks. The flood of emotions began after about twenty minutes in my office, accompanied by profuse tears.

He had many "ah-ha" moments throughout the 5 hours and 15 minutes we worked together. When I asked his permission to summarize some of the major ones in my blog, his response was immediate and clear. “If it will help somebody, sure!”

First, I should note that it is a relatively simple process, though still painful, to resolve a loss at the time it occurs. That is, if there are no variables that complicate it, such as a family’s conspiracy of silence surrounding the loss, as my client experienced. However, when additional factors become entangled into the loss, resolving it is a painstaking process. It requires coming to terms with a host of often interlocking components that each must be understood.

Furthermore, just intellectually grasping what happened or didn’t isn’t enough. The range of feelings surrounding events must be experienced and expressed, in order for the dark clouds of grief that often turn to depression to lift.

Here is a summary of some of his healing realizations, in his own words.

“I had always felt there was something wrong with me that I felt either sadness or anger about my
father’s death.”

“I always felt a lot of shame because there was so much I couldn’t figure out, and that was
controlling my life.“

“The constant feedback that my feelings were wrong was crippling.”

“No one else in my whole family was [expressing feelings], so something must be wrong with me
that I felt sad and angry. I never knew how anyone felt.”

“[As a result], I became this other person completely, ruled by demons.”

“I always felt I’d been chosen to suffer.”

“I’m finally admitting to myself that I have been suffering. And I feel like I’m getting myself
back.”

Even reading that courageous young man’s feelings in isolation on paper is gripping. So many years, he isolated himself and felt isolated. So much pain, much of it unnecessary, if only someone had understood and effectively helped.

What’s important now is that he has chosen to help himself, and that he wants to help others by sharing his lessons from this difficult but maturing experience. I would be proud to have him as my own son any day.

Longing for Dad: Resolving Father Loss

2010-02-10T15:05:00.000-08:00

This weekend for two days, a young man with whom I have been consulting by phone for the last couple of months is flying to Minneapolis from the East Coast to work with me. He found me when his mother spotted my book Longing for Dad: Father Loss and Its Impact and purchased a copy for both of them.

My client’s father had been ill with cancer for a year, but my client, who was then 15, wasn’t told of his father’s condition until a week before his death. This gave my client no opportunity to say good-bye to his beloved father. And worse still, his mother left him on his own after her husband’s death because, she admits, he was having a hard time and she didn’t know what to do. So there he was, trying to make sense of this traumatic experience all on his own. Yes, his mother brought him to a therapist for 2 or 3 sessions, but the therapist didn’t know what to do with him, either. So all his grief went down inside.

In essence, he lost both of his parents when the father died.

He recalls having tears once. He sobbed on his sister’s shoulder for a few seconds at the graveside until he could regain his composure. He then stuffed all his feelings down inside.

When he initially called to begin work with me, he was extremely depressed and, by his own admission, lost. His being clueless about how he felt translated to his being virtually paralyzed when it came to relating to women or knowing what he truly wanted to be when he grew up.

Although we made much progress in our phone appointments, I was delighted for him when he requested to come to Minneapolis to work face-to-face with me on the extremely arduous task of resolving his father’s death. He had been left alone with it for so long, that I interpreted this request as a giant step forward toward his being willing to trust and to ask for what he needed.

I have spoken with his mother three times. Now, in retrospect, she wishes she had been more assertive in breaking down her son’s protective shield and protecting him herself. Surely, this would have helped him with his skittishness with women. Undoubtedly, she was grieving and adjusting to being a widow herself. However, what a difference it would have made for her son if she had been more effective in protecting him and talking with him at the time.

Parents, please do not leave your children on their own to make sense of life’s traumas. They don’t have the cognitive machinery to do so until they are at least sixteen, according to the great Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget. And they need your support and constancy, then more than ever. If you don’t know what to say to them, just sit with them. Ask how they are feeling and how you can help. Above all, don’t abandon them. Just being there for and with them is an elegantly simple balm.

Would You Please Be My Messenger?

2010-02-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

Just today I received this comment on my Blog. “I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.” Lucy

Thank you Lucy for posting your comment. I truly appreciate knowing that my message has been received. My goal is to help make every reader’s life happier, more successful, and every relationship better and more fulfilling.

Lucy's comment was posted on a Blog Post from November 2008, so I am sure this lady had scrolled through several postings before leaving me this comment. Whether you are a faithful reader or simply a periodic visitor to this Blog site I sincerely hope you have been enlightened, entertained, educated or simply amused by my postings.

Lucy and every person who reads these posts, I have a special favor to ask of you. I do not know if your own email address book has one address or thousands of addresses but once you have read these posts and have like Lucy “enjoyed reading them” and believe this is a blog worth “visiting often” would you send the link to access my blog http://drbetherickson.blogspot.com/ to your list with an invitation to visit. The recommendation of someone known by each of us carries great weight.

If you believe as I do that my message is important, I ask you be my messenger to help get the word out about my blog. I will be forever grateful.

Dedicated to your Health and Happiness.

Dr. Beth

Finding Love

2010-01-27T14:40:00.000-08:00

It took my husband and me decades to find each other. We each had been married, divorced, remarried, and divorced again when we finally found each other. Having been around the block and then around it again by the time we met, we knew what we were looking for.

We both sensed even before we actually met our search was over. Even my 17 year-old great nephew could see. He told his mom after he had met Paul, “Aunt Bethie sure got it right this time, didn’t she?”

Paul and I each had at times despaired of ever finding the love of our lives. But we never gave up. And you shouldn't, either.

Our first date was magical. I walked into the mostly full restaurant where we were to meet and walked directly over to him. Before we said a word, we hugged. And the rest, as they say, is history. We talked about marriage on our first date, but we gave ourselves six months to live together, just to be really confident in our choice.

What made us so confident? All of our experiences with dating and marriage had been the school of hard knocks that taught us about ourselves and what we were seeking. Each time a relationship went south, regardless of who initiated the breakup, we had practiced and learned. And best of all, we loved. All of this was priceless, if disappointing,knowledge.

What is the best favor you can do for yourself if you are single and starting over? Remain open- hearted. Of course, you need to go into a new relationship with your eyes open as well. But don’t be afraid to be loving. You will learn the most about yourself when you do.

The other favor you can do for yourself is to learn as much as you can about yourself and what makes you tick. About your contribution to the relationship disappointments you have experienced. About your defenses and how you protect yourself that gets in the way of giving and receiving love. About your dysfunctional patterns that limit your success in relationships. And about the partners you have chosen, you can see with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, that virtually guaranteed the your relationship(s) wouldn't work. In other words, instead of blaming your partner(s), identify your contributions to the demise of each relationship have been in.

And don’t wait. Volunteer. Start a book club or a gourmet club. Be busy with other people and activities that are soul food for you. Take art, cooking or singing lessons. Go on vacations with friends or family. If you think of this period as waiting, you will be impatient and prone to making a mistake just to end the waiting and feel like you have some control.

And most of all, make a decision. Decide that you have no intention of remaining alone for the rest of your life. And then commit to remaining open to new possibilities.

Who knows. You may receive a visit from Cupid this season of love. And if you don’t and in order to salve your loneliness, hire a competent relationship therapist or consultant who can help you make sure you get out of your own way while providing support in this very important interim of incubation.

A Blueprint To Assess the Viability of Your Relationship

2010-01-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

Last night’s teleconference on deciding whether to go or to stay in a relationship was an animated conversation indeed. In it, I was asked to create a kind of checklist for assessing the health and viability of relationships. Although I hesitate to reduce this major life dilemma down to a checklist, I acknowledge that people have different learning styles. So I agreed to take up the challenge of attempting to delineate some questions to ask yourself as you struggle to resolve this life-changing question. I don't have to tell people who wrestle with this question that either way they decide, their life will be forever changed.

At the risk of stating the obvious, no relationship is all good or all bad. Rather, successful relationships contain relative strengths and weaknesses. So as you answer these questions about your current relationship or do a postmortem on a prior one, keep in mind that most relationship attributes are neither all or nothing.

Please fill in the blank with numbers ranging from 1 to 5, with 1 being not very much and 5 being nearly always.

_____ 1. Is there reciprocity, give and take, in the relationship?
_____ 2. Do you work together to solve problems?
_____ 3. Do you enjoy being with each other?
_____ 4. Do you laugh and have fun together?
_____ 5. Do you each seek to understand your partner’s feelings?
_____ 6. Do you feel understood?
_____ 7.Do you respect each other’s opinions and perspectives, even when you disagree?
_____ 8. Do you want similar things out of life?
_____ 9. Are you both willing to compromise, rather than insisting on having your own way?
_____ 10.Do you feel safe expressing your feelings and needs?
_____ 11.Do you respect each other?
_____ 13.Do you look out for each other?
_____ 14.Do you trust each other?
_____ 15.Do you feel like your partner has your back?
_____ 16.Do you like your partner?
_____ 17.Is there a minimum of blame in your relationship?
_____ 18.Are your feelings and needs respected?
_____ 19.Do you and your partner operate as a functional united front, especially regarding children?
_____ 20. Do you feel treasured by your partner as you treasure him/her?

When you have completed this self-test, study your responses. Were you surprised by any of your answers? If your spouse or partner had completed this self-assessment tool, in what ways might his/her answers be similar? different? What can you infer from this self-assessment tool about the strengths in your relationship? the work areas in your relationship?

If you wish to have my help in working with the results of this survey, please remember that I offer a complimentary consultation. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to arrange it. And please keep in mind that I also offer relationship coaching and consultation.

What Makes People Resilient?

2010-01-19T14:09:00.000-08:00

I am blessed to have two friends who have severe cases of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Of course, neither of them would go so far as to consider their steadily deteriorating health a blessing. But they each have managed to maintain their optimism, good humor and grace in the face of this horribly daunting illness. Both live the bulk of their lives in wheel chairs. Each is losing his eyesight, with one already having been declared legally blind. Yet they still face each day with a gusto that I wonder if I would have if I were in their situation.

What makes people resilient? Is it innate? Or is it cultivated? That’s the age-old nature vs. nurture question. I think the answer is “Yes. It’s both.”

I consider myself to be very resilient. In part, because of my native intelligence. I’m no genius, but I have devoted my adult life to doing the best I can with the “horsepower” I have been given and to help others do the same. And in part because my mother actively cultivated our resilience by her words and by her role model. After Daddy died, Mama was a widow at 48, left on her own to raise the last four of us kids. I never once doubted she would take care of us. And she managed. Both her counsel and her example advised us to “Make the best of it” regardless of situations we faced, whether it was getting a C on an Algebra test or a boyfriend breaking up with us.

What has made my friends with MS so adaptive and unflappable? First, I need to say that clearly, they both have their bad days, just like the rest of us do. But they have learned how to think of and care for others, not merely dwelling on their own miseries. I am humbled to say that I regularly am the beneficiary of their kindness and good humor. They both consciously avoid having a “poor me” attitude. Although each confides in me, it is to get my help and perspective, rather than out of a “pity party.” They are good, helpful, pleasant friends whom I am blessed to have in my life.

How can adults instill resilience in children? Perhaps the most important way is to put their children in situations that are mildly taxing. For example, it is challenging enough to learn to play the piano. I started taking lessons at age seven and continued for ten years even into college. Having to play the piano at a recital was taxing. But it was do-able. I just had to get a grip and do it. Another way is not accepting slap dash efforts children make. When I taught English in high school, I had a student who had just completed a year’s inpatient hospitalization for depression. On the first day of school, I assigned a short paper to be handed in the next day. This student approached me after class to tell me she had not completed her assignment because she had been psychiatrically hospitalized the year before. My response was one she said later she’ll never forget. “So? What does that have to do with your not handing in your assignment?” You can be sure she was not late with an assignment for the rest of the year.

What adults should not do if their intention is to build resilience in children is to not praise each and every little thing a child does with the ubiquitous, “Good job!” For example, my husband and I went to a conservatory last spring so he could engage in his favorite hobby of photographing flowers. On a trip to the rest room, I noticed a mother supervising her 4 or 5 year-old daughter’s hand washing. When the child on tiptoes turned off the water, the mother pronounced, “Good job!” I wondered to myself a) What was such a good job about doing a routine activity like washing her hands after using the bathroom? and B) What would the mother have left to say when the child brought home an A on a report for Social Studies or English? “Good job” by that time would surely seem to the child to be lame.

If everything children do yields a gratuitous “Good job!” they learn two things: 1) to be praise junkies dependent on gratuitous words of others in order to function; and 2) to expect praise from others, rather than establishing their own internal gauge for a job well done.

How Do Coaching and Therapy Compare?

2010-01-15T08:49:00.000-08:00

It seems like there are getting to be relationship coaches everywhere you turn. With little or no training, many entrepreneurs decide to call themselves coaches. They hang out their proverbial shingle and begin trolling for clients. Many say they specialize in coaching people in marriage improvement, having no more expertise than being divorced themselves.

What is coaching, anyway? How is that different from psychotherapy? How do you know when you need therapy?

Generally speaking, coaching tends to focus on the present and future. A coach’s main action will be to help you identify action steps you need to take and see to it that you carry them out. For example, if you intend to start a business, a coach will ask you to figure out your top five goals and the strategies you need to employ to carry them out. Your coach’s main function then will be to hold you accountable for carrying them out.

On the other hand, sometimes you need the training and expertise of a therapist. The primary way in which coaching and therapy differ is in depth. For example, if you have anger or depression issues that haunt your everyday life, a therapist would help you explore and unpack the roots of those issues. Freedom comes in understanding those roots and how they are still affecting you. This knowledge gives you options, rather than simply knee-jerk reacting to situations that trigger your obsolete ways of responding.

For example, I am working by phone with a young man from Massachusetts whose father died of cancer when my client was fifteen years old. To make matters worse, neither of his parents told him about his dad’s illness and impending death. So he was in total shock when his father died. And he was angry, too. In an attempt to cope on his own, he withdrew from his friends, sports, the rest of his family, and the world. And that is where he had stayed, until he began working with me. Needless to say, his isolating himself severely compromised his social development, which was my secondary concern, once we had emotionally buried his dad. His work included a trip to Minneapolis so he could literally put an end to his isolation.

It is easy to see, then, that psychotherapy goes way beyond the scope of coaching. Clearly, there is a place for both modalities in helping people to make changes in their lives. However, if you find yourself repeating the same mistakes or unhelpful responses to life, you would be wise to seek the services of a competent, well-trained psychotherapist with whom you have good chemistry. Whom you choose for your therapist is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. So choose carefully and wisely.

If you wish to have further clarification about the similarities and differences, feel free to contact me at my toll-free number, which is 888-546-1580.

I’d Love Your Input

2010-01-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

Most people this time of year intend to start the new year right. For some people, that means examining the validity of their intimate relationship. Knowing whether to stay or go takes on even greater urgency as they contemplate their life and the new year.

What do they want and need to do in the new year and decade? I suspect, at least partially in response to folks already pondering this question, something interesting has come up.

Over the last several weeks, I have received a series of questions from people in my online caring community, requesting my feedback on how and when to know that it’s time to leave a relationship.

I have blogged my answers to that question. People have commented on my blog. And still the questions come in.

Here’s how I need your input.

I am considering doing a special private, exclusive conference call to give people my insights as they struggle with this life-changing question. Whichever fork in the road they decide to take, their life will be different.

Of course, I can’t – nor would I – advise people about whether to go or to stay.

And having been divorced myself, I place no judgment whatsoever on people who choose to divorce. Or to stay, for that matter.

And I know from both my personal and professional experience, life’s questions don’t come any
bigger than this! The weight of this conundrum only increases when there are children whose lives will be impacted for the rest of their lives, for better and for worse, by their parent's decision.

Is hearing my thoughts on this vital topic something you would be interested in?

If I offer such a call, you would attend?

If yes, please send an e-mail to me at drbetherickson@aol.com indicating your interest in participating. If there is sufficient interest in such a call, I will schedule it and send you information about it very soon.

Don’t forget. I offer a complimentary consultation on any relationship or personal issue you are struggling with. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580)to schedule your consultation.

“When a Best Friend Dies”

2010-01-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

Best friendships are arguably the most underrated of all intimate relationships. And yet, research has shown that close friendships act as a kind of “behavioral vaccine,” as two female researchers wrote. Strong social supports improve an individual’s sense of happiness and overall well-being. Conversely, loneliness and lack of social supports are linked to an increased risk of heart disease, viral infection, and higher mortality rates.

My big sister Julie’s best friend died on Christmas Day. Bev had been hovering near death for ten days before she died at 91 in hospice with her six children gathered around. Nearing eighty herself and a widow, Julie had never before had a best friend. Oh yes. She had coffee klatch friends that typically are found in small towns across mid-America. And church basement ladies with whom she had served countless after-funeral lunches. And friends she saw at work or in her volunteer activities. But never a best friend. Until five or six years ago, when she and Bev became chums.

She had proudly introduced Bev to me twice. And she told me stories of their trips to visit her friend’s daughter in Florida. And of excursions to the Wal-Mart in the next town. This is the kind of hanging out that female best friends enjoy. So I knew when I received the first e-mail from her saying that her friend was gravely ill, this would be significant and difficult for Julie.

I began e-mailing her daily. And on Christmas Eve, I called her. Normally, Julie likes to exchange basic information while on the phone and finish the call. That day, however, she talked for over 35 minutes, reminiscing and worrying for her friend’s safe passage. I felt complimented that she would let me take care of her, rather than the reverse as she had done so many times throughout my life.

Even before Bev died, Julie began using the past tense in referring to her, as though she was already dead. I thought that was curious, so I mentioned it to my best friend, Karen, when we spoke. “She has lost so much, so she is used to experiencing the death of loved ones.” Indeed, she already was preparing herself to deal with Bev’s absence.

I wondered and continue to do so what it will be like for Karen or me when one of us has to bury the other. And my other best friend as well. I have already asked them to make certain their partners notify me if anything happens to either of them. I suspect that, because both Karen and Faye live in different cities, it will be easier for one of us to be left behind. It also will be easier for us to remain in denial, with our minds playing tricks on us to blunt the loss. If so, that will impede our recovery.

I know this much is true. I am blessed by all of my friendships, particularly those to whom I can tell all my secrets -- my best friends.

"Dear Anonymous"

2010-01-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

I had two strong reactions when I read the comment you posted on my blog on 12/23. Thank you for leaving it. I invite all of my readers to comment. It puts me in touch with the caring community I am building online.

My first was heartbreak for you. After five years with this woman and three sessions with a counselor, you are primarily being beaten up? It sounds like you haven’t gone back to see the counselor, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. It is possible for a well-trained family systems therapist to work individually with one member of a couple and then bring the other partner into joint therapy. However, doing so requires extraordinary skill. In order for that to work, the therapist must know how to balance alliances to and join with both of you.

Clearly, your relationship issue with your significant other requires more skill than the male-bashing that this counselor does in the guise of therapy. It may seem like she is helping your s.o. out by siding with her. But look at it this way. After 3 years, she’s still suffering from the after effects of the divorce, and the counselor is both allowing and encouraging her to remain in her misery? Your s.o. has won only a small victory!

Your story is exactly why I wrote my first book, HELPING MEN CHANGE: THE ROLE OF THE FEMALE THERAPIST. It was not because I felt that men needed to do all the changing in a relationship. However, that was the prevailing sentiment at that time. It was a time of feminists’ backlash against the power men had claimed in relationships up until the 1950’s. HELPING MEN CHANGE was published in 1993 after an editor who heard my presentation about my men’s groups offered me a contract on the spot at the end. She said, “I’ve been looking for two years for the right woman to write this book. If you want a contact, you’ve got it.”

What made me “the right woman?” My ability to see relationships as systems. I believe to my core that relationship are an interlocking web of covert agreements that people strike between each other that stabilize and perpetuate their relationship. So to blame one of them for all the relationship’s woes is simply not accurate. Nor is it fair. It really does take two to tango.

My other reaction was anger at the counselor. Male-bashing is simply not an adequate therapeutic strategy! Nor would the reverse be appropriate if a male therapist were to perpetrate it on female clients. Her response to both of you belies unfinished business of her own that has created a major blind spot for her and has crept into her work. I can only theorize about what that might be. But I can tell you this. It is indefensible.

How do I work with couples differently from this? The core of how I work focuses around a few key questions. Often, they can't be answered the first, the third, or even the tenth time I ask them. These are abstract, emotionally-laden issues. But they must be answered by people.

1. What are you getting out of continuing to fight with each other about this situation?
2. How is it helping you? (Yes, you read that correctly.)
3. What do you suppose you two would be thinking about and working with if you weren’t struggling with the aftermath of her divorce?
4. What’s in it for you to stay?

I don’t have to tell you that five years is a long time and a lot of investment. So it behooves you to advocate for your relationship by finding the best therapist you can to help you. And if your s.o. refuses to see anyone other than the person she’s been working with (who, as you see, has not been very helpful) then get some help to sort through your feelings and questions on your own.

If you can’t answer the questions above and would like my help, remember I offer a complimentary consultation. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to schedule a appointment.

To Leave, Or To Stay?

2009-12-24T10:54:00.000-08:00

In my most recent blog entry,I posed a question that someone sent me, requesting my help to decide whether to go or to stay in a marriage. This is Part 2 of my answer.

If you have sought marital therapy with a specialist in marriage and family therapy and you still are uncertain, the following questions can provide a kind of checklist for you.

Top 5 Questions to Ask Yourself:

1. Have you invested in understanding and improving your situation, or have you merely attended therapy? Worse yet, have you refused to get professional help completely? If you answered the latter questions in the affirmative, you have not been fair to your spouse, yourself, and any children whose lives will be impacted by your decisions now. Merely marking time in a therapist’s office will not help you be a better partner in your marriage or in your next relationship. And you cheat both your spouse, yourself, your children, and a new partner, should you decide to leave.

2. Have you taken responsibility for your part in the problems you are having? It is human nature to blame others for your situation. That way, you don’t have to change yourself. So you seem to get off scot free. However, it takes two to tango. It took two to create your situation, and you both need to invest in changing it. When you don’t step up and own your own contribution to the difficulties in the marriage, you give away your own power to change it.

3. Have you stopped blaming your spouse for everything that is wrong in your marriage? This is a close cousin to #2. There is no more blame when you have soul-searched and come up with your contribution to your problems. Take note. Assigning blame is not the same as accepting responsibility.

4. Have you owned your own feelings? Here’s a tip to remember. Starting sentences with “I feel that . . . “ is not the same as sharing feelings. Stated this way, it’s an opinion that masquerades as a feeling. To wit: “I feel that you shouldn’t work such long hours.”

5. Do you have a clear sense that you’ve done all I can, and it’s time to leave? If you can’t answer “yes” to this question, then it likely isn’t time to leave. In my experience both personally and professionally, people know when it’s time. They don’t have to “overthink” it.

As always, if you have difficulty applying these suggestions to your own situation, I offer a complimentary consultation. Just call my toll free number (888-546-1580) to arrange for it.

“Knowing When to Hold ‘Em and When to Fold ‘Em”

2009-12-23T11:08:00.000-08:00

Recently, I received a question from someone in cyberspace who asked for my help to know when to let go and when to keep fighting for their marriage. “After many years of counseling on and off, I’m still not feeling like I want to be with my spouse. How do you know when it’s time to throw in the towel?” The question was such an important one that I decided to offer some guidelines to help you answer it.

In order to provide the best help, I am blogging my answer in two parts.

First, I must offer a caveat. There is no right or one-size-fits-all approach to relationships. There are always exceptions. Use your own best judgment in applying these criteria to your situation. If you are confused, feel free to call my toll-free number (888-546-1580) for a complimentary consultation with me. I don’t have to tell you what an important decision you're facing. So it is best to give this question its proper due.

Dr. Beth’s Rules of Thumb for Sorting Out This Conundrum

Have you tried counseling? Especially with a long relationship, chances are that walking away without first seeking professional help can prolong your healing process. It leaves too many unanswered questions, most important of which is "Have we tried everything we can?" If you honestly can answer "yes" to this question, you have one indicator that you can go with a clear conscience.

Was it with a trained marriage and family therapist? This is an extremely important consideration. Why is that?

Several factors distinguish “real live” marital therapists from those who say they do marriage counseling.

o The graduate degree alone may not necessarily be relevant. Too often, people tend to disqualify those with a master’s degree in either social work or psychology in favor of someone with a Ph.D. or and M.D., just because they are doctors. However, the primary function of most psychiatrists (M.D.’s who have little or no supervision or training in providing psychotherapy) usually is prescribing medicines. Further, clinical psychologists typically have studied how to conduct research and how to diagnose and assign individual pathology. These don’t necessarily make them empathic and competent couples therapists. They may be. But they also can be analytical and lack the warmth required to create a safe space for delicate and often painful work.

o Having taken a course on Intro. to Family Therapy in graduate school does not make clinicians trained marital therapists. "Real" family therapists have studied marriage and family therapy, whether in graduate school or through an ongoing investment in continuing education courses.

o I recognize that many clinicians aren’t as fortunate as I was to complete two years of post-doctoral training in marriage and family therapy. However, if someone you are contemplating seeing can demonstrate an investment in making the paradigm shift from individual to systemic thinking, working with that type of person is best.

• A what shift? Because I already had a Ph.D. and had a psychotherapy credential (I was a Certified Reality Therapist), I remember how baffled I was in trying to make the shift in my way of thinking about relationships, psychotherapy, and my role as a therapist. In fact, I felt as if all I learned in the first semester of my post-doc was how little I knew! There is a qualitative difference in each approach.

o What that shift in perspective entails is learning to see relationships as an interlocking system of individuals who had formed a synergistic -– if problematic -- relationship that is larger than each of the individuals separately.

o That means that people unwittingly, usually unconsciously, cooperate in the creation and maintenance of the problems that are plaguing them and for which they seek professional help.

o Blaming one person, usually the identified patient, for all the family’s ills is not helpful at best and pathologizing at worst.

So the first question to ask yourself is in considering the question of going or staying is, “Have we sought professional help?” The next question is, “Have we found the best help possible?”

Even working with someone from a long distance who is well-trained and empathic usually is more effective and productive than meeting with someone who may have an alphabet soup of initials but who lacks the ability to see relationships as a system. These counselors tend to blame one person for all the problems and to let the other person off the hook. This does nothing productive. In fact, it creates a whole ‘nother problem.

Stay tuned for my next entry that will consider how to know whether to stay in a current relationship or, to go.

“Highlights from a Holiday Formal Dinner Dance”

2009-12-19T13:51:00.000-08:00

Paul and I got dressed to the nines last night and went to the Officers’ Club for a gathering of folks with whom we celebrate the holidays this way every December. I love to be with my husband any time, but it is especially exciting when he dons his tux and we step out. There’s something about that tux that brings out an extra measure of chivalry in him and that makes him even more handsome to me.

Anyone who knew me when I was a radical in my youth would be shocked that I married a military man. Paul, a career officer in the Air Force, retired and went on to pursue first a Master’s degree in History, then an MBA, and eventually law school in his 50th year. He indeed is very smart. And I like smart people who love learning.

The first person who caught my attention last night was a small woman in a wheel chair. She was with a group of friends and her husband and daughter who doted on her. I had seen her several times before at the Club, but I never had greeted her. My two friends with Multiple Sclerosis have sensitized me to what life in a wheel chair is like, so I was determined that, at least for a moment, she not feel invisible. I introduced myself and said, “Dare I even ask, do you have MS?” “Yes,” she quietly said and turned away. I wondered if I were out of place asking a stranger that question, as I stepped away to give her privacy while she struggled to transfer from her wheel chair to her place at the table.

There was only one young military man present with his tall, beautiful wife. Decked out in his Marine full dress uniform, he was quite handsome himself. After dinner, he and his Grandfather, dressed in his old Marine uniform that still fit, had their picture taken together. They stood at least 6 inches apart, making sure they didn’t touch. On the spur of the moment, I playfully said they should take their picture again with their arm around each other. The older man said not unkindly, “No. We’re Marines!” as if to say, “Perish the thought!” I thought how sad it is that he and Marines' unspoken rule deprived these two men of the affection everyone needs and deserves. Later, I bought the young man a beer. He told me he’s frustrated that he has to wait six months to be deployed to Afghanistan. “I can’t wait to go!” he said.

I love flirting with one man in particular, always careful to do so in Paul’s presence so I send a clear message to both of them that I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. I am blessed that my husband trusts me and is not in any way jealous or possessive. This gray-haired gentleman impishly stepped over to our table and playfully invited me to “dump” Paul so he and I could get together. I said it wouldn’t happen, and he trounced back to his table in mock horror, turning around to wink as he rejoined his wife.

Perhaps the highlight of the evening, beyond basking in my husband’s love and the magic of the evening, was encountering a woman sitting at the bar with her husband. I spotted her immediately and instinctually was drawn to her. She was reflexively rubbing her shoulder, so I knew she was in pain. I went over to her and asked her permission to touch her hands. When she agreed, I pressed some acupressure points. She noticed a slight decrease of pain. When I picked up her other hand, I was shocked to find a bulbous and swollen knuckle, the telltale sign of someone struggling with severe rheumatoid arthritis. I merely put my hand gently over her knuckle, continuing to talk softly with her and joke with her husband. When I took my hand away, her knuckle was noticeably less swollen and red. I had moved some of her energy that had log jammed in and around that knuckle. But I am convinced that the warmth of our human contact was the major factor in this.

On the way home, I couldn’t stop myself from telling Paul what a lovely evening I had had, how much I love being with him, and of my love for him. I have tears in my eyes now as I write. I hope I never stop appreciating what a gift our marriage and his love are to me.

If you wish to take a look at some pictures taken of us last night, here is the link to my Facebook page. http://tinyurl.com/ydje7m6

Paul and I wish you warm holidays and a fulfilling new year.

"Nurturing Gifted Children"

2009-12-09T14:51:00.000-08:00

Current research indicates that spanking actually lowers kids’ I.Q.

Who knew?

I had known that spankings can do psychological harm to children and damage their relationship with their parents. But I didn’t know the impact was even more widespread than that. If spanking lowers kids' IQ, then by inference, it impedes their school performance and in general, their ability to get along in the world. And it creates an aggressive response in those children who have the misfortune to come in contact with a parent's belt or open hand.

Let me say from the get-go that the majority of people who become parents feel the weight of the responsibility that comes with it. Not to mention the weight of being on call when their child needs them 24/7. They take their responsibility seriously. Most are well-meaning, loving parents, even when they mess up and lose their cool. Or even when their kids push their buttons and they "wig out."

That is just regular, garden-variety kids. Rearing intelligent, intense kids can be especially challenging. It takes a special knack to parent them. By definition, intellectually gifted children are intense. The more intellectually gifted the child, the more intense he/she is. Which means that he/she feels everything more deeply, reacts more strongly, challenges more vociferously, has greater emotional needs and requires more intellectual stimulation than the average bear. These are the kids whose achievements most people admire. But it can be quite a challenge for parents to nurture their growth to adulthood.

So let's tip our hats to the parents of those children who give us a run for our money, who ask us questions we don't know the answers to, and who feel things more poignantly than others. And let's high five those kids who are naturally intellectually curious, smart and sometimes smart-alecky, and most assuredly who love whole heartedly.

One of them likely will find the cure for cancer, how to extract oil from the ground without devastating it, or write the next Great American Novel or storied music as Mozart did at age 4.

“The Top 5 Signs Your Marriage Needs Help”

2009-12-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

You’ve just had a fight with your spouse. Is this a harbinger of a brewing storm? Or is it normal? How do you know when your marriage needs help?

I have seen marriage from every possible camera angle. I've worked with couples to save and heal their marriage before it becomes irretrievible. I’ve worked in premarital couples counseling to help the smart ones assess their strengths and identify their weaknesses as a couple. I have done couples counseling with folks who’ve been married for five months or 40 years. Sometimes, they seek my help for marriage enrichment, and sometimes because their marriage is in trouble. I have done divorce and post-divorce counseling to help couples stop recycling the same problems in their divorce that precipitated their divorce. And I have been a divorce mediator for couples who seek a saner way of divorcing, and an arbitrator for couples who insist on continuing their marital conflict long after they have divorced.

From all this experience, I offer the following 5 major signs that your marriage probably is in trouble.

1. When you and your spouse continually rehash the same argument, you probably need marriage help. Whether you literally fight about the same topic,or the dynamics of the fight are the same, your marriage is in trouble. In healthy marriages, couples know how to address their issues with each other before they become ongoing problems that tear at the fabric of the marriage. So if you find yourselves having an old, familiar argument that goes nowhere, you are wise to seek couples counseling before you dig a rut so deep that it is impossible to get out of it.

2. If arguing and fighting are the primary way you and your spouse emotionally connect, your marriage is in danger. In a strange way, fighting is "safe" because neither of you has to feel vulnerable to the other when you are in conflict. Yet fighting generates an intense connection. However, this mode of connecting becomes emotionally – and sometimes physically – dangerous. If this description fits your relationship, your marriage definitely will need professional help.

3. If you find your self-esteem eroding since marrying your spouse, your marriage is becoming too emotionally costly for anybody’s good to be left the way it is. Of course, your marriage isn’t necessarily the only challenge to your self-confidence. But especially if you sense that your spouse is deliberately undermining you, you are in danger of losing yourself in your relationship's dysfunction. This benefits nobody, and you likely will need couples counseling to help reverse this corrosive negative dynamic.

4. If it seems like everything and everybody is more important to your spouse than you, this makes for very lopsided investments in your relationship. Maybe you tend to feel that way anyway because of difficult prior experiences that had nothing to do with your spouse. In this case, ideally you would need your spouse’s help to heal that old wound while you both work on becoming more equal partners. Further, if you have married a very self-centered spouse, you definitely will need professional help to correct this increasingly untenable situation, if indeed it is correctible.

5. If you find yourself just not liking your spouse any more, something is going very wrong. I am not talking about the temporary feeling everyone occasionally experiences when you are convinced that marrying your spouse was the dumbest decision you’re ever made! Rather, if this feeling is persistent and gets worse, you definitely will need professional help before there is nothing left between you.

In conclusion, while there certainly is no one-size-fits-all approach to assessing and improving a marriage, I hope this gives you some guidelines. If you are uncertain as to how viable your marriage is and what can be done to improve it, remember that I offer a complimentary consultation to help you assess your situation. Just e-mail me at drbetherickson@aol.com to request your appointment.

"Finding the Right Therapist"

2009-12-04T14:50:00.000-08:00

At least once a month, I get e-mails from forlorn people who have read my book LONGING FOR DAD: FATHER LOSS AND ITS IMPACT. In one such letter, a woman told of her husband's ongoing battle with depression. After reading the book, she finally had an explanation for his debilitation depression. As I read another letter written by a man in Dubai who was pleading for help, tears rolled down my cheeks. Soon to be a father himself, he realized that he would not be up to the task unless he dealt with his father's abandonment of the family when he was 2 years old.

The e-mail I got today told of having just finished reading LONGING FOR DAD. He recognized the need to get help to heal his father loss, because of "its unexpected continuation into adulthood.... I have tried to get help with a couple of therapists, but they fall very short of actually understanding my issues and helping me to deal with them. How do I find someone to talk about these issues [with] that understands the issues you've discussed in your book?"

I have maintained for years that whom people choose as their therapist is second only in importance to whom they choose to marry. How does the average consumer of psychotherapy services know whom to choose as his/her therapist? This is a particularly important question when issues are old and cut deep such as father loss.

Here are my top 5 suggestions for helping you determine who is the best professional to see.

1) Don't be afraid to ask the prospective therapist if he/she has had personal experience with your issue. Of course, don't expect for him/her to go into chapter and verse. But knowing a subject from a textbook and knowing it personally are two totally different things.

2) Ask the prospective therapist his/her beliefs about the place for feelings in his/her therapeutic approach. If you need to heal trauma such as a father's death or abandonment, it is not possible to truly do that without experiencing your emotions about what happened. If the proepective therapist indicates a theory of therapy that doesn't allow for feelings, you are in the wrong place.

3) Ask yourself how it feels being in this person's presence. If his/her demeanor detached and intellectualizing, it's not a good sign. Did you feel like you clicked? What does your gut tell you? Then trust your intuition to tell you if you are in the right place or not.

4) How good a listener is the potential therapist? Is he/she attempting to really tune into what you are saying, or is he/she looking around, watching the clock, or otherwise preoccupied? One of the most therapeutic tools a therapist can possess is the ability to create a "holding environment." This is a safe place for the expression of strong emotions. And in order to accomplish this, you need to be able to feel like the potential therapist is with you and not elsewhere.

5) Don't worry about whether the professional has an M.D., a Ph.D., an LICSW, a marriage and family therapist, or a master's in counseling. The degree matters far less than the 4 elements I have listed above.

If you would like a free consultation on choosing the right therapist for your issue, especially if it's sensitive, I invite you to call my toll free number (888-546-1580)for a complimentary consultation.

“Managing the Holiday Blues After Divorce"

2009-12-02T15:03:00.000-08:00

Expect the first holidays after a loss of any kind to be difficult. In fact,any “first times” can be expected to be hard, for example your first anniversary or birthday without your spouse. That’s just the way it is. Even if the divorce were your idea and you’re glad the marriage has ended, you probably will feel like a fish out of water during the first holiday season you spend apart.

Since childhood, we wait expectantly for holidays as a time of surprises and togetherness. Most families overtly or covertly agree to ignore Aunt Bernice if she were too much “in her cups” at the dinner table. And everyone colludes to not encourage Uncle Fred if he holds forth too long and heartily about the next year’s elections, high taxes,or corporate greed. Family is family, and any misbehavior generally is ignored in favor of family unity,harmony and preserving the family's Currier and Ives and Norman Rockwell holiday pictures.

Extended family members also can have difficulty with a former family's absence. If a family member sides with your former spouse, as my mother did for a time when I divorced my first husband, the pain is intensified. And even if no one does, you can expect to feel like a fish out of water when it seems like everyone else is coupled and celebrating together.

Ten Tips For Being Single Again For the Holidays

1. Don't push yourself to go out and fake being sociable. Give yourself permission to do what feels good to you. If that means going out but coming home when you have had enough of pretending you are not hurting and are having a good time, then do that. If it means staying home and taking a bubble bath by candlelight, do that.

2. Don’t get prematurely involved with someone just because you don’t want to face the holidays alone. At the least, you will be bored and waste your time. At the worst, you’ll get hurt again because this is a vulnerable time when you are susceptible to choosing someone out of desperation.

3. Don’t sleep with anybody just because you are lonely. That will only confuse you at a time when conflicting feelings are swirling around you anyway.

4. Don’t expect people who have never been divorced to understand why this is such a difficult time. This is especially true if you initiated the divorce. They just won’t get it unless they’ve faced that prospect themselves.

5. Don’t go on a wild, break-the-bank spending spree to make yourself feel better. You’ll only feel miserable when the bills come.

6. Don’t change the subject away from your grief. The sooner you reckon with and resolve your feelings about the divorce, the sooner you genuinely will be able to more forward.

7. Do use New Years as a time to take stock of what is good in your life despite the divorce. Set your own goals to aim toward in the coming year to help you make sure it’s a better one.

8. Do ask for support when you need it. Sometimes that means crying on a friend’s shoulder. Sometimes it means taking a long, cleansing walk with a trusted advisor. Sometimes it means having a cup of tea and talking about anything but the divorce or your former spouse. You’ll know what you need. Honor it.

9. Do make your own plans for the holidays themselves. Plan fun activities with people with whom you feel safe. Go visit special relatives or friends with whom you can be yourself.

10. Do realize that this, too, shall pass. Your life will normalize. You will feel like yourself again.

In the meantime, be patient with yourself. Love yourself a little.

10 Magical Daily Minutes That Will Improve Your Marriage

2009-12-01T13:50:00.000-08:00

If you are like most married people, you work, take care of your children, worry about paying your bills and staying healthy, and spend a lot of your “free time” on laundry, grocery shopping and home maintenance. Working on your marriage and strengthening your bond as a couple may not even make your to-do list.

But what if I told you that devoting just ten minutes a day to your spouse can produce magical results?

As a marriage and family therapist, I know how important this “couple time” is, not just to husband and wife but to children who gain when their parents are in a happy and stable relationship that centers on them and not on their children.

Everyone has ten minutes to spare, whether at the beginning of the day or after they come home from a day of separate activities to reconnect with their spouse for what I call “the daily magic ten minutes.” Doing so will set the remainder of the day or the evening right for everyone in the family.

Couples with toddlers and very young children can do this too. Of course, they will need to make sure their children are safe when they plan their alone time. If your children are slightly older, you might make this new habit into a game. I urge parents to tell their children playfully, “Unless the sky falls in, or a whale eats you up, or there’s blood, please don’t interrupt us. Mommy and Daddy need to take a break. But we’ll be done in ten minutes.” Put a timer where they can see it so your kids will know when the time is up. If you have children who are old enough to watch their siblings, you can pay them to baby sit while the two of you go off to seek a quiet place to chat with each other.

Daily Magic Ten Minutes Rules
You and your spouse are taking the time you deserve and need in order to keep in touch as spouses and as people once again – and not as parents or employees. As a result, certain topics are off-limits.

No talking about what the children did that day or what happened at work.
This is precious time you are taking for yourselves, perhaps in your bedroom with the door closed, perhaps over a cup of tea or a glass of wine.

Talk about whatever you want unless it's problems. If the ten minutes allotted turn out not to be enough, pick up the discussion again the next day right where you left off. Or contract for more time later in the evening.

Some topics you might want to explore together as you get used to this new habit are: books you want to read, trips you’d love to take, hobbies you would like to pursue, purchases you would like to make, thoughts about where you would like to live when you retire, and what you might like to do when you reach retirement age.

Whatever you talk about with your spouse, I hope you have fun with this new time together. Sooner or later, children leave home. And when yours do, you will find that your empty nest will not be a problem. Instead, it will present a continuation of your ability to deepen your relationship with your best friend, the person you married.

Create a Family Tradition for the Holidays

2009-11-25T06:53:00.000-08:00

There are various times in our lives when many of us are forced to be away from the others that we love. Illness or injury requires us to be in the hospital or advancing age may cause the elderly to be in a senior citizen facility.

These situations during the holiday season are much more difficult to face than other times during the year. It costs nothing but time to schedule a visit to a hospital or senior citizen facility to spend an hour or two with the residents.

Ask the nurses who would be appropriate to visit at the hospital and ask the staff at the nursing home to suggest someone that receives very few visitors and go spend 30 minutes asking questions about their memories of the holidays past.

You can help them relive special happy times by simply asking, what was the best Thanksgiving you ever had or what was the best Christmas you ever had.

My husband’s best Christmas was when he was 7 years old and this is his story as told to me.

Christmas is the season of memories, of joyous gatherings, of renewal of the spirit and sense of wonder. I have recently thought of what was my favorite Christmas memory and without hesitation this Christmas stands out as the absolutely most wonderful Christmas ever.

My favorite Christmas was in December 1949. This event made that particular Christmas memorable beyond all others. I received a gift of love from afar in the form of a package from my favorite aunt and uncle.

School was out for Christmas vacation, ending just the day before at noon. It was Saturday, the day before Christmas and I was outside playing in the yard when the green truck with red trim and the gold letters REA stopped in front of the house. I did not pay much attention as many REA trucks had stopped there before to deliver packages to the Flower shop and greenhouse across the street and none had ever brought a package to my house. I continued to play until the deliveryman closed the door of his truck and with a brown package in his arm he started toward my house. Up the walk he went toward the front door. I ran and jumped on the porch just as he rang the doorbell.

I asked, “Who is that for?” “Master Paul Moe,” the deliveryman replied. “That is me, I exclaimed.” “This package has to be signed for, can you write your name, the deliveryman asked?” “No, I stated matter-of-factly.” That was when the door opened and my mom was at the door. Mom took the package and signed the receipt.

“He told me that was mine, can I open it now?” “No, you have to wait until Christmas to open this, mom said.” “Why do I have to wait until tomorrow, I asked?” “Because the package says do not open until Christmas,” mom answered. My excitement was evident. I wanted so much to at least hold this unique gift delivered by the man in the REA truck. Mom said, “stay outside and play, dinner will be ready in less than an hour and if you come in you cannot go back out.” I remember wondering, where did it come from, what is in that plain brown paper wrapper. Waiting would not be easy, I was sure I could not wait to see what that REA deliveryman had brought for me.

Later I went into the house and under the tree was a new box wrapped in silver paper with the image of Santa Claus sprinkled liberally over it and a tag that said to Master Paul Moe. As I walked toward the box I heard the stern voice of my father. “Stay away from that tree and leave all of the presents alone until tomorrow.” “It’s mine I whined, why can’t I even touch it.” “Leave it alone until tomorrow, if you know what’s good for you,” my father warned.

For the rest of the day and evening that package sang its tantalizing siren song to me and many times I heard the sharp rebuke from dad, mom and my sisters, ”GET AWAY FROM THAT TREE AND LEAVE THAT PRESENT ALONE!” Going to bed that night with that gift so close but so far away was torture. Christmas arrived as always very early in the morning in the Moe household and all of us kids ran down the stairs to see what Santa had left under the tree.

I went straight to that miracle that had arrived the day before. Inside the silver paper with Santa’s image was a card that read, Merry Christmas from your Uncle and Aunt. Before me was a pop-gun with three corks and a target. The target had 7 figures suspended from a round metal bar and each when it was hit would roll over the bar and bring any to the outside with them. If you hit the exact center all seven targets would roll over the bar and it was a perfect score.

I laid out the target and lay on the floor taking aim and fired the first cork. It hit a target and two of the silhouettes rolled over. I reset the targets, aimed and fired my pop-gun again and miracle of miracles all seven of the targets rolled over simultaneously. A perfect hit and perfect score from a gift of love delivered from afar by the REA deliveryman. I never got a perfect score with that toy again and never again did the green truck with red trim and gold REA letters stop to deliver a package to our house.

The memory of that gift delivered from afar, the smell of the Christmas turkey cooking in the kitchen, the warm glow of the tree all alight still form the image of what Christmas should be in my mind.

If your own holiday is not going to be that marvelous I have created a free gift for signing up to be on my newsletter mailing list. It is called Hot Holiday Tips for 2009. I have listed 8 survival tips which you will receive as a thank you for signing up. To get your own Free Holiday Relationship Survival Tips when you join Dr. Beth's email updates go to http://www.drbetherickson.com/ Click on JOIN near the top left of the page enter your first name and email address and you will receive instant access to my free gift.

What was your own most memorable Christmas? Please share by posting the memory in the comments.

Couples and Secrets

2009-11-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

Recently, I received a reporter’s query asking for my thoughts about Couples and Secrets. Ironically, I had just finished taping a segment for "Relationships 101" on the impact of family secrets on individuals who remain in the dark about very important parts of a family member’s – and therefore, their own – history. I thought I’d share the reporter’s questions and my answers. Perhaps they will provide some guidelines for managing secrets in your intimate relationships.

Is it okay for couples to keep secrets?
It depends on the nature of the secret. The only instance I can think of where keeping a secret is acceptable is when disclosure of it would only hurt a partner. For example, sharing how many lovers you’ve had previously and how good the sex was is in this category. Divulging such information could unnecessarily bruise your new partner. This is especially so if the partner has self-esteem issues.

What secrets should be shared?
It is essential to disclose family secrets or salient information about your past. To not share such information, only to have it discovered later, will feel like a bait and switch. This could cause your partner to question your veracity about everything. For example, a parent or grandparent’s mental illness, having terminated a pregnancy, and having filed for bankruptcy are pieces of information that must carefully be shared.

When do you open up and share? Before or after marriage?
Of course, it is always a risk to divulge any highly vulnerable material. And it should be shared before a couple marry. This allows both partners to decide whether or not they still want to be in the relationship in light of this disclosure. Just as the partner on the receiving end of the information gets to decide, the person sharing also has decisions to make based on the partner’s reaction. If, for example, an individual shares her decision to terminate a pregnancy and her partner flies into a rage and begins preaching hellfire and brimstone, that person won’t feel very safe for disclosing other sensitive information. Then this could severely compromise the relationship.

Do you wait to share a secret until you know you’re in a committed relationship?
Disclosing delicate information like a personal or family secret can become an avenue to strengthen the bond of already committed partners or facilitate their making a commitment.

If you are uncertain about how to manage a personal or family secret, feel free to call my office (888-546-1580) for a free consultation. I can help you decide how to proceed in everyone’s best interests.

Are You Emotionally Divorced?

2009-11-16T14:04:00.000-08:00

It is a common misconception that people are divorced the moment the judge signs the legal documents. Not so. While they may be legally divorced, now comes the hard part. Being legally divorced is only relevant from a logistical standpoint. Yes, there is important paperwork that needs to be done. The Social Security Administration and credit card companies need to be notified. One or both spouses need to move out. Time sharing guidelines for any children of the marriage need to be negotiated. Extended family members need to be told. There are myriad ways that each of you needs to begin to create a life apart from the other. But all of this doesn’t necessarily mean you will be divorced in the most important way: emotionally. Being emotionally divorced is a process that occurs over time.

How can you tell if you are emotionally divorced?
• You no longer cry at the drop of a hat about your lost spouse, marriage, in-laws, or time with your children.
• You are no longer angry about what happened – or didn’t.
• You feel neutral about your spouse. The attachment to him/her as a spouse has dissipated, even if you still are friendly and cordial.
• If you have children, you are committed to and able to cooperatively co-parent with your ex-spouse.
• If you have residual anger, hurt, or sadness, you are able to set that aside in favor of cooperatively co-parenting with your spouse.
• You can talk with or about your spouse without blaming him/her or yourself for the end of the marriage.
• You have accepted responsibility for your part in the marital dysfunction and divorce.
• You have developed a live-and-let-live attitude toward your former spouse.
• You have released any residual resentment or longing to be reunited.

In short, when you have accepted and grieved the end of the marriage. Only then are you genuinely ready to move on.

Do these sound too hard to attain? Do these markets seem Pollyanna or pie in the sky? Then keep working on it. They are worthy goals toward which to strive.

Those who share children with a former spouse and who are forced to interact with him/her can expect to have a more difficult time with post-divorce recovery than childless couples. In the later case, you can walk away and never have to interact with him/her again. People in either situation who remain angry, vengeful, and blaming are stuck emotionally. Resentments that burn like red hot coals pose a grave risk to your psychological life going forward. You will gain nothing but loneliness and bitterness.

It is a common misconception that love and hate are opposites. On the contrary. They are merely heads and tails of the same coin. Love and indifference are opposites. Lack of any particular feeling one way or the other about a former spouse, except respect for him/her as a human being, is the goal toward which to strive. Then you will be emotionally and legally divorced.

Unhappy Marriages Cost Businesses $6.8 Billion a Year

2009-11-13T14:22:00.000-08:00

All businesses are concerned with boosting productivity and reducing health care costs and employee turnover. This combination has become even more crucial in today’s competitive and challenging economy. Often missed, however, is the significant economic cost businesses actually bear for carrying employees on the payroll who are unhappily married or undergoing divorce.

Whether corporate America notices it or not, employees in failing relationships are costing it about $6.8 billion a year. Employees with relationship woes are frequently absent or sick, present at their desks in body but not spirit, or just too stressed out to do their jobs properly. Stress-related problems cost corporate America $300 billion a year.

What is more, couples who aren’t getting along are more likely to be troubled by domestic violence in an attempt to “solve” their conflict, which costs corporate America $7.9 million in lost work days each year. In addition, employees in such relationships are more prone to substance abuse problems, anxiety and depression that, in turn, lead to higher health care costs.

As bad as failing marriages are for corporate America, the financial fallout for divorce is no better. A 2006 research study found that the projected cost to a company of an employee making $20 an hour who gets divorced is more than $8,000. In fact, recently divorced employees spend eight percent of their work days away from work because of relationship-related issues. That is the equivalent of being absent from work an entire month!

Even more telling, researchers have found that it can take as many as five years for employee productivity to return to what it was before an employee got divorced.

So far I have examined what happens to employees in troubled relationships who stay on the job. But what happens if the stress of a bad marriage or difficult divorce leads an employee to quit? The financial impact of this situation varies depending on whether the employee occupied a blue collar position or managerial post. A company forced to replace a blue collar worker will spend 150 percent of his/her total benefit package to do so. Meanwhile, the true cost of replacing a manager is 250 percent of his/her total benefit package.

As a marriage and family therapist and relationship consultant, I am offering these figures not just to illuminate a little-known problem, but also to suggest a solution. I believe it is imperative that all executives concerned with the welfare of their employees realize that the health of employees’ marriages is directly correlated with the health of their business’s bottom lines. Companies can not afford to turn a blind eye to or ignore the marital problems of their employees. Instead they must look for creative ways to help their employees improve their relationships. This will be a win-win situation for everyone. The employees and their spouses can enjoy the benefits of a strong union. And their employers stand to gain stable and happier employees who are more able to make a strong contribution to the day to day operations of the companies for which they work. Of course, then employees and their families are spared the high emotional cost of marital turmoil and divorce as well.

Happily Married Employees Are Good for Business

2009-11-12T14:49:00.000-08:00

Employers care about a lot of things that relate to their employees, who are, after all, their most valuable asset. But how many of them have discovered that happily married employees actually increase their business' profitability? Sadly, the answer is not very many. But that situation is changing because an increasingly growing body of research points out the many benefits that companies achieve when their employees are in stable relationships.

Among the many benefits you can expect are:

Happier and healthier employees. Happily married men, for example, are absent fewer days and stay in their jobs longer. People in good marriages tend to practice healthier lifestyles, so they avoid being out sick. That means they are less likely to tap expensive health care services.

Greater commitment. Happily married couples who both work outside the home have been found to have a stronger commitment to their employers. This is especially important given that the average employee will change jobs seven times in his lifetime.

Younger employees. It’s astonishing but true. A happily married male is the equivalent of 18 months younger than his biological age. Meanwhile, a happily married female is about six months younger than her chronological age. Younger, healthier employees not only use fewer health care services, but also they also bring more enthusiasm to work with them every day.

More productive workers. Researchers have shown that employees who have good relationship skills – like the ones needed to sustain a fulfilling marriage – are among the most productive, even when they are exposed to significant stress at work.

Workers who get better over time. Many things deteriorate over time, but not so with employees who come from long marriages. Their performance actually improves with each year they remain married.

Workers who sing your praises. Companies that support their employees’ emotional needs through sound corporate policies are prized by employees. They recognize that such a company is an excellent place to work. Not only are they reluctant to move on to greener pastures, but also they are also likely to spread the word to others about what a great place it is to work. Of course, having that reputation is priceless and will make attracting new employees a lot simpler.

One more thing. If these “intangible” benefits still don’t convince you that the health of your employees’ marriages is your business, then perhaps this next fact will make the difference. For every dollar a company spends on physical and relational wellness programs, the return on investment will be huge – and that’s not factoring in the increased happiness of the couples involved. One study involving nine companies ranging in size from 50 employees to 50,000 employees found that the return on investment was nearly 500 percent. Other studies place that figure even higher, at close to 700 percent.

I hope that reading this information leads you to explore this topic further and to learn what companies are doing to make strong marriages their priority.

Costs of Low Trust at Work and at Home

2009-11-11T08:06:00.000-08:00

“Our distrust is very expensive.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bestselling author, Stephen M.R. Covey, wrote a wonderful book called The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything. An M.B.A., business consultant, and CEO of FranklinCovey, Mr. Covey unapologetically talks about the importance of trust in a business context. He takes on the myths that trust is a soft topic and is too risky and potentially costly for businesses.

But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Among the multiple costs of low trust in business are speed and efficiency decrease, taking productivity in the same direction. Thereby, costs increase, as does corporate sabotage. Teamwork to produce high quality products is diminished and is replaced by covert cooperation to create a negative culture.

Yes, Covey acknowledges, there is a risk in trusting people. But clearly, there’s an even greater risk in not trusting. Covey refers to this as “the low trust tax.”

How do these concepts map over to personal relationships?

There are typical makers of low trust marriages, such as extramarital affairs, constant conflict, stonewalling and general lack of cooperation on matters that should be faced jointly. But there are more subtle indicators of low trust relationships as well.

In low trust marriages, people don’t disclose important information. While they may readily offer up the mundane parts of their day and of their existence, they withhold the important and real stuff: their hopes, dreams, fears and feelings.

Little wonder these people become bored with each other and with living like roommates, or detached siblings, or their children’s chauffeurs. Being lovers and confidants who have each other’s backs eludes them completely.

With each passing month, the alienation grows, taking on a life of its own until one or both spouses scream, “Uncle! I can’t take it anymore!”

Now their pain provides a prime opportunity for the couple. Yes, you read that correctly. An opportunity is created by admitting there is a problem, before it’s too late and the emotional cancer has metastasized too far, and the walls are too high and too thick, and the numbness has crept in so thoroughly that there is no longer any will to work to change. These are the more subtle, insidious aspects of a low-trust relationship that too often make those marriages a statistic.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You don’t have to join the ranks of, as the nineteenth century American philosopher Henry David Thoreau wrote, “The mass of men [who] lead lives of quiet desperation.”

Each of us gets to choose.

7 Deadly Sins Against Relationships

2009-11-10T10:05:00.000-08:00

I have devoted my professional life for over three decades to helping people improve the quality of their relationships and their lives. Recently, I have begun thinking about how to summarize the best and the worst things people do in relationships.

In my most recent book, Marriage Isn’t for Sissies: 7 Simple Keys to Unlocking the Best Part of Your Life, I list and discuss the 7 most essential skills people need to possess in order to have a satisfying and healthy relationship.

Those 7 Keys are:
1. Deepening Trust Affair-Proofs Marriages
2. Taking Time for the Daily Magic Ten Minutes
3. Setting Good Boundaries Keeps Everyone Safe
4. Sharing Feelings Enhances Intimacy
5. Fighting Fairly Solves Problems and Builds Intimacy
6. Healing Past Hurts
7. Cultivating a Nurturing, Close Sexual Relationship

Here are the 7 Deadly Sins Against Relationships.

1. Emotional Reactivity. When individuals are unable or unwilling to respond to each other and to the world in a calm, reasonable manner, situations easily degenerate into explosiveness and misinterpretation of each other’s words and intentions. This typically occurs when people grow up in a family where individuals are poorly differentiated. These couples have difficulty getting genuinely close because emotions are weapons that are used to create distance. Therefore, feelings drive a wedge between them.

2. Being controlling. There is a vast difference between being controlling and being in control of yourself. Controlling people have a high need for structure and order as they define it. They leave little or no room for others’ needs and opinions. They often overtly are tyrants. But they also can be the more subtle – and more infuriating – kind of controller who gets his/her way by passive aggression and manipulation. By contrast, people who are in control take responsibility for themselves, their emotions, and their lives.

3. Blaming and Shaming. People who use this strategy to get their way generally seek power over their spouse, partner, or children. It is a defensive strategy so they can remain “safe” by being holier than thou. What they don’t realize is how they give away their power to improve situations in the process. It is only in taking responsibility for ourselves and for our actions that we claim the full measure of control of our lives.

4. Jealousy. People who are jealous to a fault are either highly insecure, extremely controlling, terrified of being abandoned, or all of the above. Jealousy is different from envy, which is a normal human emotion. Jealousy carries emotional freight. and is not endearing. In fact, it backfires, often serving the unconscious function of creating psychological and emotional distance in a relationship. It is a significant barrier to intimacy.

5. Negativity. The renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, found that for every 1 negative comment couples make to each other, there should be 5 positive comments to counteract the impact of the criticism. Yet some couples seem to subsist on a steady diet of negativity, sometimes disguising their intent saying they are being honest with each other. They may be honest, all right. But it is not an intimacy-generating sort of honesty. Furthermore, viewing the world through a lens of scarcity and negativity, perhaps more than anything, is contagious. It eventually infects
both parties with despair and hopelessness.

6. Unfair Fighting. There are three main earmarks of unfair fighting. They all involve defensiveness. First is "hitting below the belt,” that is, using previously shared information as a weapon against the other person. This can be extremely brutal if it is flung at your partner in the midst of a fight. Second, attempting to control conversations and the other person so no vulnerability is required. Third, self-righteously blaming the other person for all problems in the relationship. A close cousin to this Deadly Sin is accusing.

7. Stonewalling. This is one of the most detrimental sins in a relationship. When partners stop openly communicating and become stone walls to each other, all overt communication stops. It is replaced by anger, conflict, and isolation that smolder inside each person. As partners add stones to their wall, they become more and more alienated from each other until the cracks in their relationship eventually become unrepairable. Then an emotional – if not an actual – divorce ensues.

If you have any questions about these 7 Deadly Sins – or
anything else – feel free to call my toll-free number
(888-546-1580) for a free 20-minute consultation.

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Murder in the Military

2009-11-06T11:36:00.000-08:00

What on earth happened at Fort Hood, TX, yesterday?

As inscrutable as the actions of the shooter Major Nadal Malik Hasan seem, there are some possible explanations. Although there may have been other contributing factors, two stand out in my mind.

When I practiced marriage and family therapy in a northern suburb of Chicago, my office was near Great Lakes Naval Training Station and Fort Sheridan, an Army post that has since been closed. This was within 7 years after the U.S. left Viet Nam. Some soldiers were still haunted. Some veterans became my patients because I saw them with their spouses. They had been referred by a psychiatrist who said they needed “talk therapy.”

It is not commonly understood that relatively few psychiatrists do psychotherapy with patients. Instead, they are taught to diagnose patients’ conditions and administer medications to treat the symptoms in somewhat of an assembly line fashion. Which explains why most outpatient psychiatric appointments are 15 minutes or less.

I can only imagine psychiatrists’ frustration. Most of us in the helping professions go into the field because of a wish to help. However, if, in their training, they are not given a range of tools beyond their prescription pad, it is easy to imagine they could become overwhelmed by the daunting task of treating vets with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

All of us who work with traumatized patients from whatever source, whether it’s childhood sexual abuse, an early and lengthy hospitalization, a sudden death in the family, victims of torture, a death from a disease that seemed to drag on and on, rape and the like know that witnessing their agony can take a toll on us.

For example, one patient I treated had been a medic in the Viet Nam War during the Tet Offensive, one of the bloodiest conflicts of the war. Imagine the horror he had seen. And the helplessness he must have felt when he could not save his fellow soldiers who died before his eyes. To intensify his impotence, he had spent his first year stuck in a crib in an orphanage where only his basic needs of food and clean diapers were attended to. I shudder to imagine the helplessness and isolation that baby experienced. As research on infants in Israeli kibbutzim found, a large number of the children died if they were only fed and diapered by multiple caregivers and not cared for by their parents. This, of course, caused them to change their child care arrangements.

For me to still remember that patient almost decades later means he clearly made an impression on me. And no doubt, the cumulative effect of his story and countless others subjected me to Compassion Fatigue or Secondary Stress Disorder. Fortunately, I have not been undone by what I have seen and heard.

But Major Hasan apparently was not so fortunate. As a psychiatrist, he worked with vets going to Iraq and Afghanistan and those returning and was about to deploy himself. No doubt, he had been bombarded with soldiers’ stories, worries, fears, nightmares, flashbacks and suicidal thoughts and actions. So much so, that I surmise he chose “death by cop,” attempting suicide by putting himself in harm’s way stateside where he had control, rather than have to experience what he inevitably would work with there. And he almost succeeded.

In fact, he did not die. He lies in the hospital on a ventilator today.

The other factor that must have contributed to his “losing it” was loneliness. Paradoxically, the life of a mental health practitioner can be a lonely one if you are single. “How could that be? You’re with people all day every work day.” We are. But if we are good at what we do and responsible enough not to meet our own needs through our patients, it can be lonely indeed taking care of everyone else.
To intensify the loneliness, Dr. Hasan was single and had no children. No one was at home to help him debrief, or hug him, or distract him, or just be with him. Having been in the military since high school, I suspect that the Army had become the family he didn’t have.

Let me be clear. I do not condone or excuse Dr. Hasan’s actions. Forty-three people are paying the price for his cracking under pressure. However, being able to understand and explain something is not the same as excusing it.

As President Obama said yesterday in a briefing after the Fort Hood massacre, it is indeed “ … horrifying that these soldiers were hurt by their own people.” Then on CNN this morning, there was news of 8 people being killed in a high rise in Orlando, Florida.

What kind of country are we becoming that murder-suicide seems to be the way for lonely, lost people to grab their 15 minutes of fame at the expense of other people? And that violence seems to becoming the norm for “solving” issues?

Please comment after reading this post. Let’s talk.

Launching Kids

2009-11-05T15:29:00.000-08:00

“Schoolmasters and parents exist to be grown out of.”
John Wolfenden, Sunday Times, London (7/13/1958)

My husband and I went on a date to see Phantom of the Opera again. And 10 days later, I still have Andrew Lloyd Webber’s powerful music and Charles Hart’s haunting words stuck in my head.

At intermission, I mentioned to my husband the father-daughter theme that was coming up. He scoffed at the idea, saying the musical was only about lovers. He shook his head in mock horror saying, “I’m married to a shrink!”

However, in Act Two, he began to see the theme he hadn’t previously caught in his four prior viewings of Phantom. Initially, when Christine sang, “Wishing you were somehow here again,” the reference is sufficiently vague that we are not sure whether the “you” is Raoul, the lover of her dreams, or the Phantom, the father figure in whose underground lair she has shared a life.

That’s usually the way it is when children leave home to go out into the world. They feel torn.

By the next song, the father-child theme clearly emerges when the Phantom sings to Christine “…wandering child, longing for my guidance.” And then, “Our games of make believe before are at an end . . . . “ And, “Past the point of no return . . . .

Singing forlornly of his life without her, “. . . no kindness, no compassion anywhere.” Then of “the infection that poisoned our love!” presumably referring to Raoul’s love for Christine that will take her away from the Phantom and his dismal existence without her.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

It is just as hard for parents as it is for their children when kids leave home.

As my wise and unselfish mother told me one of the times I left home, “Parents can’t hang onto kids.”

Those “helicopter parents” who do are selfish and haven’t done their job of getting their children and themselves ready for them to leave home and start their own life.

So when the season of graduations from kindergarten, middle school, high school, and college, and of summer weddings, blushing brides and earnest grooms, parents need to remember my mother’s sage words.

It is parents’ job to prepare their children to fly on their own while holding their place in the family. Then kids can come back for the emotional pit stops they need to eventually fly completely on their own.

For parents, it is a loss. And grief is inevitable. But if you have done your job well, your children will come back to visit. They will want to stay connected.

If you fight them, they will stay away at their own peril.

So learn to let go, as painful as that can be. That is the kind of parenting your kids need from you now.

Don’t make seeking their own destiny “the infection that poisons our love.”

We never outgrow our need for our parents. We just need them differently as we mature.

If you are having trouble letting go as a parent, or figuring out how to find your own way in the world, remember my offer of a **Free** half-hour of coaching by phone.

Feel free to write and take me up on my offer to drbetherickson@aol.com. I will need your name and email adddress to I can provide you with the time to call and a toll free number to reach me

Dedicated to your health and happiness,

Dr. Beth

What Kind of Universe Do You Inhabit?

2009-11-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

There are two basic ways to live life. One is with a mindset of Abundance. The other is with a Scarcity mentality.

One or the other of these is the prism through which you view the world.

What makes this significant? The lens through which you view the world shapes your entire perception and version of reality.

Do you believe the world is basically a trustworthy place?

Oh yes, you know there are bad guys out there. And bad things do happen to good people. But you have faith in people’s ultimate goodness. And even the worst of times will turn around. That peace in its various facets will come again. So you don’t skulk around, certain of danger lurking around every corner living your mental and emotional life in a bunker.

It is no surprise that people who look for negativity in life find it. They attract negativity into their lives and then bemoan their bad luck, or other people’s evil nature, or how it’s not their fault.

Or are you open-hearted and open-handed because you believe in the transformative power of love and in people’s innate goodness? If your basic belief is one of abundance,
you don’t hesitate to give of yourself and your resources. As a result, good stuff happens to you because you attract it into your life. Your know your life is Abundant, even in stressful or lean times. And you amplify life’s gifts by being grateful for the blessings in your life.

So begin today to develop an Attitude of Gratitude.

Sure, you may be counting your pennies at the grocery store. Be unable to take your usual summer vacation because of the effects of an economy in turmoil, or the kids will get fewer holiday presents. But if you are a citizen of the United States, Canada, or anywhere in the Western world, you are blessed with freedom simply by the accident of birth.

Celebrate that.

Dedicated to your health and happiness,

Dr. Beth

Let Your Brain Make You Better!!

2009-11-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”
John Milton, Paradise Lost, 1667

Is your mind your greatest resource? Or does it mutiny like a motley crew on a pirate ship?

What is the difference between your mind and your brain?

Is it possible to actually change misfiring circuits in your brain that keeps you running in place like a caged gerbil, coming back again and again to the same place, never seeming to get anywhere?

Can you create new neuron connections in your brain that build brand new pathways of thought?

Does your mind have to change your life by sheer dint of will or can you enlist the help of your brain?

Is it possible for you to be in charge of your mind plus many brain functions?

These fascinating questions and more were discussed when I spoke with my guest, Dr. Rick Hanson, on “Relationships 101”on www.webtalkradio.net. Dr. Hanson is a neuropsychologist and the author of Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. But it could as easily be called Neuroscience for Dummies. It’s that readable. And Dr. Hanson is that understandable.

Link in to the podcast at http://tinyurl.com/yk6kawv to hear me tell a sweet story from a neurological perspective about the game my grandson and I play. And how I worked with a couple to resolve trauma in the wife’s childhood, thereby rewiring her brain and putting her restructured mind in charge of her life.

If you are the type who loves “Ask Dr. Science,” I think you will find this show both fascinating and touching.

Please do post a comment. I sincerely would love to know what you thought of this conversation.

Is there a specific topic you would like to have discussed by an expert on "Relationships 101" or on this blog. Write me at www.AskDrBethErickson.com and leave me your suggestion. I would love to have my discussions relevant to my audience.

If you have a question you’d like to ask me, go to www.AskDrBethErickson.com and leave me your question. You will get an answer your questions from me personally. I promise.

Dedicated to your health and happiness,

Dr. Beth

Like Cats Chasing Their Tails

2009-11-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

“In human affairs, the best stimulus for running ahead is to have something we must run from.”
Eric Hoffer, The Ordeal of Change, 1964

Who needs t.v. when you have a kitten in your house?

Our kitten, Ben, has an elaborate game of the old standby for cats: the Chase the Tail game.

Running faster and faster around in circles, sometimes he gives up on ever catching that darn tail.

Other times, he sneaks up on it and pounces while his tail plays hard to get.

But he grabs that darn tail between his legs, sometimes nipping at it, other times combing and stroking it after he catches it.

Then his tail surrenders.

Yes, Ben has many strategies for catching the mischievous, elusive tail.

And so do humans.

Sometimes our “strategies” are designed, however unconsciously, to keep us running around in circles after tacking one foot to the floor, bemoaning our misfortune that nothing ever changes, that our spouse, or child, or boss, or co-worker, or sibling only wants to fight, or won’t listen, or doesn’t care, etc, etc.

Other times, we won’t allow ourselves the sweet pleasure of success because no one else in our family has accomplished much. We simply haven’t had a role model for success, and we don’t want to risk being shunned by family members who struggle or are jealous.

Or because then we might be expected to reach even higher.

Or because of our fear of failing. You can ask most elementary school kids, and they can tell you that you can’t fail at something if you never try.

Yes, we, too, can develop elaborate games of keeping ourselves stuck.

And, of course, these games get us to the same place where Ben ends up: No where.

Are tired of being a cat chasing your tail but you don’t know where to start or how to stop?

Feel free to contact me by e-mail drbetherickson@aol.com or at my toll free number, 888-546-1580, for a free consultation.

I would be happy to have you take me up on my offer of a free consultation.

Dedicated to your health and happiness,

Dr. Beth